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3 Signs a Toxic Person is Manipulating You (and What to Do About It)
Chances are high you've encountered a toxic person in your life. You may have even realized this "friend" or family member was no good (kudos to you!), but it can often be hard to distinguish between feelings of love and friendship and feelings of guilt and manipulation. Toxic people are really good at purposefully confusing us.
We reached out to Nancy Irwin, Psy.D., as well as author, therapist, and general badass survivor Shannon Thomas, LCSW, to help us spot the toxic people in our lives—and learn how we can separate ourselves from them.
So, what exactly makes a person toxic?
In order to detoxify our lives, we first need to be able to understand and spot a toxic person. They look like everyone else, talk like everyone else, and can even be disguised as your best friend, family member, or partner. "Toxic people are master manipulators, skilled liars, and great actors," Thomas says. "They can be hiding everywhere."
One way to tell you have a toxic person in your life: Every time you encounter or hang out with them, you feel exhausted, emotionally drained, and negative. There's always something with this person.
Irwin describes a toxic person as anyone who is abusive, unsupportive, or unhealthy emotionally—someone who basically brings you down more than up. "You may begin to feel dependent on him or her for their opinion, doubting your own," she says.
"Toxic people are draining and leave you emotionally wiped out," Thomas says. "They want you to feel sorry for them and responsible for all their problems—and then fix these problems too."
Are you dealing with a toxic person?
"The best gauge is to see how you feel after interacting with someone—our physical and emotional reactions to people are our best indicators," Thomas says, noting that you should consider whether you're more tense, anxious, or angry after seeing that person, texting with them, or talking to them on the phone.
Other signs to keep an eye out for, according to Thomas, is if the person is constantly judgmental, obsessively needy, and/or refuses to take responsibility or apologize for their actions.
"This could be someone who uses drugs or drinks excessively, lies or asks you to lie for them, is controlling, or belittles what you do," Irwin says. She also says the life of a toxic person is often out of control financially, professionally, physically, personally, and/or interpersonally.
How does being around a toxic person affect your life?
"Toxic people have the ability to affect all areas of our lives, and we are often blind to this," Thomas says. "We make excuses for them. We believe and internalize the lies they feed us. And, in turn, that affects how we view ourselves and our worth. Toxic people receive pleasure from taking joy away from the things we once loved, such as work, friendships, hobbies, and even our love for ourselves."
Getting a toxic person out of your life is all about setting boundaries.
"If you feel unheard or unseen, and feel used or coerced into doing things that are really not 'you,' you may be influenced by a toxic person," Irwin says. "Toxic people can cause you to doubt yourself or do things you ordinarily would not do—you may feel a desire to 'be cool' or fit in or get their approval. Every case is different, but toxic people can negatively influence others by manipulating them to do things. They tend to create chaos through negative habits: using, lying, stealing, controlling, criticizing, bullying, manipulating, creating drama, etc."
Signs You're Being Manipulated
"Many people don't know they're being manipulated until it's too late," Irwin says. "You know you are being manipulated when you begin doing, saying, or believing things that are serving them, as opposed to you. Healthy people encourage and empower you to be your best. Manipulators tell people that they know what's best for you."
So what are the red flags—the actual, concrete signs that someone is manipulating us? Thomas breaks it down into the following three categories:
1. The Blame Game
No matter how many painful situations a toxic person purposely puts you in, they won't apologize. They constantly find ways to make you responsible for their actions.
For example, remember that Christmas party when Sally ToxicPerson got drunk, made an ass of herself, and ruined the whole night—then blamed you for not watching her alcohol intake, implying the whole scenario was your fault? Yeah, that.
2. Isolation
Have you noticed that you no longer spend time with other people? A toxic person will demand your full attention and shame you if they feel like you're not giving them enough of yourself.
For instance, John ToxicPants monopolizes all of your time, to the extent that he freaks out when he sees on social media that you hung out with other friends—without him. You then realize you spend nearly all your free time with this person and have forgotten what your other friends look like. It's not good.
3. Walking on Eggshells
Toxic people thrive on keeping you on your toes and use emotional outbursts to do so. You never know what type of mood they'll be in, and you have to watch what you say around them—or you'll receive 15 text messages about a molehill of a problem that manifested into a mountain, along with a laundry list of all the reasons you're a terrible person, your career is going nowhere, and you're not as good as they are.
You might have a friend like Sean ToxicSon, who can't handle a casual hangout. Every time you see him, there's a whole emotional scene, he brings up a problem that you caused or need to solve, or involves you in a draining exchange that stresses you out and makes you doubt yourself and your character.
Cleanse the toxicity and steer clear of the bullsh*t.
OK, now that we know what a toxic person looks like and how they're manipulating us, how the eff do we get them out of our lives and never to fall prey to their manipulation games again?
Do you have to change your number and get a new email address? Not quite—unless you've been experiencing abuse—but you do need to set boundaries until you are able to fully stop communicating with them. Thomas recommends you start with detached contact, which means you still have occasional interactions but from a new emotional state.
"Getting a toxic person out of your life is all about setting boundaries," she says. "For example, you may not return a toxic person's call right away and instead wait 30 minutes to call back." This can help you work through the anxiety of not jumping when they tell you to jump.
"The best way to remove a toxic person is by implementing no contact," Thomas says. "While this path has its own set of challenges, once the removal of toxicity has occurred and the dust has settled, having no contact is the most concrete way of moving forward and away from a toxic person."
Irwin recommends giving yourself some distance before you start tapering off the contact, noting that this is harder if the person is your current partner or a former partner you have kids with.
"If they are a co-worker, perhaps you can transfer to another department or cubicle farther away," she says. "You may need to talk to HR. If they are a sibling, you might try family therapy and set boundaries. If they're an ex, lose their email/phone number."
Take time to heal and get positive.
Removing a toxic person from your life is only part of the battle—definitely a big part, but you'll also have to give yourself time to heal. Even though a sizable weight will be lifted off your shoulders, a lot of damage has been done emotionally (and sometimes physically) in these relationships.
Ultimately, it is the right decision to end your relationship with this person, but that doesn't make it easy—and it can be a process. "It's all about healing in stages and realizing it will not happen all at once," Thomas says. "It's important to take it day by day, celebrate the little victories, and have patience as you overcome the minor setbacks. Surround yourself with supportive individuals who love you and are on your side."
And remember to be generous—to you. "Forgive yourself for being taken in by a skilled manipulator," Irwin says. "Learn from that experience and listen to your heart to make your own choices going forward." And if you need a little help? That's perfectly OK. Be proud of yourself and all the steps you've taken to make your life better.
Kari Langslet is an avid dater, impulsive adventurer, unofficial therapist to friends and family, and animal lover. You'll usually find her at a dive bar playing Jenga with her dog or headbanging into oblivion at a Brooklyn show. Stalk her on Instagram and Twitter @karilangslet.
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4 Reasons You Should Drop the F Bomb During a Workout
If dropping an expletive (or five) makes you immediately flash back to mom shoving a bar of soap in your mouth—or worse, dousing your toothbrush in liquid soap, which yes, mine totally did—take a deep breath: Swearing is actually good for you.
This may not be what your parents wanted you to hear, but it's true. Letting that F bomb fly has scientifically proven benefits that can actually improve your life—including your sweat sessions. Don't believe me? Here's proof that the time has finally come for you to embrace your inner sailor and cuss whenever sweat builds.
You'll actually work out harder.
When you're in the middle of, say, tire flips, it's not uncommon to hear someone let out a guttural cry—and many think this kind of release makes them perform better. While that may be true, others prefer to whisper a simple "f*ck" under their breath. Nothing crazy, just a verbal display of how they really feel about trying to lift this heavy object and propel it forward.
If that sounds more like you, have hope: It's likely working. A new study published in the Journal of Psychology of Sports and Exercise found that swearing can increase physical performance, strength, and power during your workouts. Researchers put 81 athletes through one of two tests: a 30-second high-resistance stationary bike test or a 20-second handgrip strength test. Some athletes were randomly chosen to utter a swear word every three second—any one they wanted, though study author David Spierer says "f*ck" was chosen most often—while the remaining athletes kept their language PG.
The results showed that swearing produced a 4.6 percent increase in initial power during the bike test and an 8.2 percent increase in handgrip strength during the latter test. Sure, an 81-person sample size isn't going to 100-percent prove anything—but why not test the theory out for yourself?
"Swearing can improve the amount of weight lifted, force generated, and sprint speed," Spierer says. "But it can also be used to generate enough force to open a pesky jar of pickles. We think that using swear words can improve one's ability to handle various tasks of difficulty or tasks that may be painful."
Why? One theory is that swearing may cause a disinhibition—or distraction—in the brain, Spierer says. That disinhibition means the person cursing doesn't focus on the difficulty of the task at hand (see tire flips above), but rather the curse words they're dropping. So the next time you have to do an exercise that feels particularly painful, go on and let your favorite curse word distract you.
You'll feel less pain.
The last time you stubbed your toe or slammed your funny bone into the table, it's likely you screamed an expletive. (Nearly) everyone does it because swearing can help relieve pain—in a 2009 study published in Neuroreport, psychologists asked subjects to come up with a list of words—including curses—that they would use if they hit their thumb with a hammer. They were also asked to come up with a list of words that they'd use to describe a chair (because those are more neutral and you're not likely to sling profanities when talking about how a chair looks).
Once participants had their words, they were randomly divided into swearing and non-swearing groups. Both groups had to submerge their hand in ice water for as long as they could, spewing their selected word all the while.
The results will shock no one: Those who opted for expletives were able to keep their hand submerged longer. But here's the fun part: They didn't keep their hands in the water for a second or two longer. Oh, no: They were, on average, able to keep their hand under for almost 50 percent longer than those making their mamas proud with their non-potty mouths. They also reported feeling less-intense pain, leading the researchers to believe that swearing reduces your sensitivity to pain.
And yes, all of these results can be transferred over to your workout because when you exercise, it's likely you're feeling some sort of pain (not the "I'm injured" kind, more the "I'm tearing my muscles so they can grow bigger and stronger" variety). So drop a few four-letter words next time you feel like dying during burpees—they may feel just a smidge less painful.
You'll bond with your workout buddies.
Whenever you're in a group workout, there's that moment when you lock eyes with someone else, even if just for a second, and you both exhale deeply before moving on to the next exercise. That's non-verbal bonding, a way for both of you to basically say, "I feel your pain." But scientists want you to take that nonverbal companionship and add—you guessed it—actual words.
In her recent book, Swearing Is Good for You: The Amazing Science of Bad Language, Emma Byrne discusses (quite colorfully, I must say) how swearing can fuel bonding and likability. She exemplifies it in the workplace in particular. "From the factory floor to the operating theatre, scientists have shown that teams who share a vulgar lexicon tend to work more effectively together, feel closer, and be more productive than those who don't," she writes. And science backs her up: A 2017 study published in the Journal of Managerial Psychology suggests that swearing with coworkers can help foster a sense of belonging and mutual trust.
Those feelings of partnership can easily transfer to the gym, especially for those who prefer working out alongside other people. Many boutique studios now have athletes partner up for a circuit, so next time you're in one, don't just stop at the deep exhale—throw in a "f*ckin' a, right?" and the two of you may feel close enough to grab a post-sweat protein smoothie, cheers-ing to the fact that you really did survive those box jumps.
You'll release pent-up emotions.
One of the best parts of working out is the emotional and mental clarity it can provide. Nekeshia Hammond, Psy.D., a psychologist at Hammond Psychology & Associates in Brandon, Florida, says swearing while you sweat can help further that release. That's because curse words are processed by the limbic system of the brain, which is primarily responsible for memory, emotion, and basic behavior—not language, explains Spierer.
So rather than using curse words as another way of expressing, well, words, we use them to emphasize and show emotion, anger, discontent, and elation. Doing that during a workout can provide an avenue of release that you may not find elsewhere—basically, you're "letting go" of the emotions that were pent up inside you, which can, in turn, help you sort through any sticky situations going on in your life.
That said, Hammond warns that swearing can still have negative connotations, especially if it becomes a real distraction during your workout. "Swearing may bring up some negative memories that throw off your concentration," she says. And we all know a lack of concentration can lead to injury."It's harder to work out if you're still thinking about the fight with your significant other or how much work you didn't get done at your job."
Her tip: If you're emotionally charged or feeling distressed about something going on in your life, press pause on the profanity and instead concentrate on the workout itself as a stress reliever. But if you're feeling good going into it, let the F-bombs fly for as long as they make you feel like the badass you are.
Samantha Lefave is a freelance writer who is living, eating, and sweating her way around the world. You can find her Instagramming her favorite destinations, squeezing a Friends quote into every conversation she can or—when there's downtime—eating peanut butter straight from the jar.
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