Should I Go to Restorative Yoga or Just Take a Nap?

It was Friday night after a long week. I was exhausted, but I had recently signed up for a trial yoga membership in an effort to practice more "self-care," so I looked up the schedule and found a late-night restorative yoga class that promised to leave me feeling "balanced, rested, and elevated." Yes, please, I thought as I grabbed my mat and hurried through the cold to the warehouse-like studio.

Once inside, I was instructed to grab what felt like a large carry-on of props: two blocks, a firm pillow-like thing called a bolster, and two blankets. I dragged this load into the dark room, laid everything out, and was prepared to be restored. I couldn't wait to feel balanced, rested, and elevated—look at me and my Friday night self-care!

As the class started, we moved through a few stretch-like positions slowly, then set up for our first restorative pose. I followed instructions and positioned the bolster-pillow-thing under my stomach while in child's pose. The teacher instructed us to turn our head to the right and lay it on the bolster. Great. Done.

Then I waited. And waited. And waited. After what seemed like an eternity, we were instructed to turn our head to the left and... lay it on the bolster.

My mind erupted. Are you kidding me?

If I knew I was going to walk in the cold just to lie on a pillow and turn my head every 10 minutes, I would have just gone to bed early instead! After the 75-minute class ended, I stormed home and that's exactly what I did (... and slept like a baby).

At the time, I didn't put together that my childlike slumber could have been a positive side effect of the class, but I was curious as to why anyone would pay money for what seemed like a 75-minute group-snooze. So I decided to do some research and talk to people who are fans of the practice.

Restorative yoga was first developed to help people heal from injury, illness, or burnout by holding certain poses for longer stretches of time (5-20 minutes) compared to a traditional yoga class. Some claim that it is the most advanced practice of yoga due to the difficulty of achieving conscious relaxation—it's all about moving past the "Um, now what?" I was fixated on in that first class and learning to achieve a state of active relaxation.

EDITOR'S PICK

OK, great. But couldn't I just take an hour-long nap instead?

Elian Zach, yoga instructor and founder of the Woom Center in New York, believes that naps and yoga are both useful self-care tools, but they're not interchangeable. "When restorative yoga is done right, it can facilitate a deeper rest than sleep. What happens is almost the equivalent to REM sleep, but when we sleep, we dream and can experience anxiety. It's not necessarily always a quality time of rest."

Eileen Goddard, a restorative yoga teacher at Yoga Vida in NYC, shed some light on all the added equipment. "In order to fully relax, we need to feel supported, both physically and mentally. We prop up in restorative yoga, particularly at the joints, to give the body this experience of full support." Goddard adds that another important prop is the presence of the teacher, which offers another level of support.

And the studio atmosphere itself can make or break a good restorative yoga class. "The environment needs to exude a personality that is soothing and calming," Zach says, adding that at the Woom Center, they have everything from a 3D sound system and overtone-emitting instruments to three unique aromatic combinations that alchemist Michelle Gagnon developed to help students unwind. (Which, whoa.)

This is all starting to sound a little better than a nap—but what are the real benefits of this type of self-care?

Yogis who practice restorative yoga regularly (at least once a week) report feeling more focused and experience better sleep post-class.

"The biggest benefit of practicing restorative yoga is the opportunity for your nervous system to switch over from the 'fight or flight' stress response to the 'rest and digest' relaxation response," Goddard says. Other reported benefits include improved management of pain, anxiety, and depression as well as lower blood sugar and even weight loss.

A study from the American Diabetes Association observed a focus group of obese women who practiced restorative yoga over a 48-week period and a group who engaged in a stretching program over the same time period. They found that those who practiced restorative yoga lost a significant amount of subcutaneous fat over the six-month program compared to those in the stretch group, and those same women continued to lose during the maintenance period once the program was over. The study credits this to the practice's focus on relaxation and stress reduction, which led to a decrease in cortisol (the hormone we blame for abdominal fat).

Sign me up! Restorative yoga for life! I have self-care figured out now!

I won't be removing Pilates and cycling classes from my schedule any time soon—you can't just replace regular exercise with restorative yoga. Instead, even the study noted that restorative yoga is a "complementary, ancient practice" that should be used in addition to regular exercise.

So, intense workout, restorative yoga class, or just a nap? Why not all three. "There is room for high-intensity classes," Zach says. "There is a time for sharing space with others and another to sit alone and veg in front of the TV. Sometimes that's OK, but sometimes you want to find self-care in a bigger way. Restorative yoga isn't lazy—it's a proactive act of self-care."

E.J. Johnson is a Brooklyn-based comedy writer and performance artist. If you like pictures of pink sparkly things, you can follow her @ej.sunshine on Instagram.



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Being a Woman Runner Can Be Scary As Hell. Here's How to Keep Going

Content Note: Assault and Sexual Harassment

I run to escape the day-to-day stress, the kind that grinds us all down: unanswered work emails, dishes that somehow pile up in the sink, the general lack of hours in the day. It feels so freeing to literally outrun my stressors, even if just for 30 minutes or an hour.

I run to feel human. I stop thinking about myself in relation to my work or my relationships, and simply connect with my body. I run to feel the physical pain, the self-doubt, the impulse to give it all up and call my husband for a ride home—and to feel the accompanying ecstasy when I run through the pain and out the other side, then keep on running.

I run to feel powerful. Mostly, I run to feel free.

But I'm never really free when I run.

Because I'm not just human—I'm a woman. And as a woman, I can never feel fully, totally, entirely free. When I run, I can relax into the sensation of freedom for a little bit... until I hear a catcall, sense a car creeping behind me for blocks (or even miles), or become overly aware of every snapped branch as I speed down a forest trail. Since I'm a woman, when I run, I can never fully escape—inevitably, I'm removed from the moment.

Running presents itself as one of the most democratic sports around.

To be a runner, you don't need fancy gear. You don't need a gym membership (or even the courage to step into a gym). You don't need professional training or a rare body type—provided your body is equipped for running, odds are good that your body knows how to run. And for so many women, this is part of the appeal of running.

According to Statista, running is one of the most popular sports worldwide. In the U.S. alone, a whopping 60 million people engaged in running, jogging, or trail running in 2017—and the majority of these runners are women.

"Two things I've grown to love about running are that you can do it anywhere and it's an amazing way to explore a new place," says Katie Sullivan, director of brand and marketing at Swerve Fitness in New York City.

Samantha Baron, an education coordinator at Sentergroup, Inc., who lives and runs in downtown Chicago, agrees. "Running's something I can just go and do," she says. "It's something that's so seemingly gender-neutral."

But the experience of being a runner isn't gender neutral.

The average runner of any gender deals with standard safety concerns, like getting lost or avoiding traffic. But runners who present as women are much more likely to face a host of additional issues on their runs, most of which revolve around physical safety.

Harassment is so pervasive among women runners that it's practically become normalized. "My immediate reaction is to say I haven't been harassed," Sullivan says. "But then I realize that I can't actually remember a run in NYC—day or night—when I wasn't peppered with catcalls and sexual comments. They were all what I'd typically characterize as 'harmless,' but the recent shift in our culture has made me rethink the way I tolerate them."

Cultural conversations about sexual assault and gender inequality can help women validate their own experiences. They can also make women more cognizant (and perhaps more fearful) of the potential threats lurking outside their front doors.

"Recent events definitely have an influence," says Colleen Elrod, a nursing student who has run primarily in suburban environments. "Now, no matter what time it is, I feel like I'm taking a risk every time I go out for a run."

EDITOR'S PICK

And this isn't paranoia.

A 2016 Runner's World survey of more than 2,500 female runners and approximately as many male runners uncovered the extra concerns that weigh on women who run:

  • The majority of participating women runners reported they are sometimes, often, or always concerned about being physically assaulted or the recipient of unwanted physical attention while on a run.
  • 43 percent of all women surveyed experience at least occasional harassment while running—compared with only 4 percent of men. That number increases to 58 percent among women runners under the age of 30.
  • Of the women who reported being harassed, 94 percent said their harassers were men.
  • 30 percent of women respondents have been followed by someone on foot, on a bike, or in a car while running.
  • 18 percent of women have been sexually propositioned mid-run.
  • 3 percent shared they have been physically grabbed, groped, or otherwise assaulted while running.

And just as the #MeToo headlines surfaced, so have stories of women runners who have experienced assault.

This October, well-known runner and safety advocate Kelly Herron was 12 miles into Vancouver's "Girlfriends Run for a Cure" half-marathon when she was accosted on the course by a male bystander. Herron made the split-second decision to abandon her record race time and pursue her assailant in order to press charges.

Sadly, this wasn't Herron's first encounter with assault while running. In March of 2017, she fought off a brutal attack in the public bathroom of a popular Seattle park. These experiences prompted Herron to create the platform Not Today Motherf***er (NTMF), which brings awareness to the topic of runner safety (especially for women runners) and provides personal safety tips to women.

But harassment and assault aren't even the worst that can happen.

In the summer of 2016, the running community reeled as three joggers were killed in the span of nine days. Those cases were deemed unrelated, but they all shared one thing in common: Each victim was a woman.

Just as our culture tends to blame women for being sexually assaulted, people searched for ways to explain away these deaths as evidence of the women's poor judgment. Even though all three women were running during the day on routes that were familiar to them (which is not to say they would have been responsible for their murders if they'd made different choices), the armchair advice poured in from social media: Women shouldn't run alone. Women shouldn't run in the dark. Women shouldn't run with headphones on. Women shouldn't run too far from where they live. Women shouldn't…

Freedom, meet constraint.

The fear of harassment or assault doesn't just affect women while they run. By its very nature, harassment is meant to communicate to its targets that they are not safe.

Research into the consequences of street harassment has found that people who are harassed tend to experience body-image issues, increased depression, heightened fears of rape, and internalized shame. These are consequences that extend far beyond a ruined workout.

EDITOR'S PICK

In an attempt to avoid harassment and assault, women runners tend to alter their behaviors: They change their running routes, alter their schedules, and adopt new habits in the hopes of feeling safer.

Many women choose to be strategic about when they run.

"I started training for a marathon back in July," Elrod says. "In order to get my long runs in, I'd have to start running between 4 and 5 a.m. Even though I live in what I consider a very safe part of town, there have been so many recent stories about people being harmed while running that I never felt fully safe unless the sun had completely risen and I was on a two-way, busy, double-yellow-lined road."

Sullivan also modifies her runs. "I rarely run at night, but when I do, I wouldn't venture on the West Side Highway (fewer people, fewer eyes on you) or into a park," she says.

And they're not alone. Sixty percent of women respondents in the Runner's World survey said that potential threats cause them to limit their runs to daylight hours.

Many modify what they wear too.

"I definitely consider the time of day when choosing my wardrobe," Sullivan says. "On a super-hot weekday afternoon this summer, I decided to run in shorts and a sports bra, and found myself running through several crowds of men spending their lunch break outside—I'll never make that mistake again."

And then there are the safety measures put into place.

Every woman interviewed for this article shared that she sometimes alerts a friend or family member to her intended route prior to a run and asks them to follow up if they haven't heard from her by a certain time.

Some women adopt more advanced measures too. For example, Elrod often runs with 911 queued up on speed dial and her phone in her hand. This mirrors data from the Runner's World survey, which found 73 percent of women respondents who are concerned about safety run with a phone rather than unencumbered.

Other women bring along weapons for physical protection. "When I lived in cities, I would run with pepper spray as well as with my keys between my fingers," says Caitlin Murphy, a critical care nurse who resides in Steamboat Springs, Colorado.

Baron brings along mace on every run. "It definitely makes me feel better to know that I have it," she says.

The 2016 Runner's World data found that 21 percent of women bring pepper spray on their runs at least some of the time. One percent have gone so far as to carry a loaded gun.

Of course, not every woman who runs is harassed, assaulted—or even terrified—every time she laces up her sneakers.

The odds of harassment often diminish outside of urban environments. "Because I'm living in a small mountain community, it just feels safer. And when I'm out, I see people I know," says Heather Hower, a trail runner who resides in the Colorado Rocky Mountains. "It's like everyone is watching out for each other a little bit."

Even in urban environments, some women are more concerned about vehicles or other roadside hazards than they are about would-be attackers. "Probably my biggest issue is cars," Baron says.

And of course, men are also sometimes the targets of harassment or assault. But as a general rule, the contrast between cis male runners' concerns and those of other genders remain stark. The Runner's World survey previously cited found that only four percent of male runners reported experiencing harassment while running—compared to nearly half of all women surveyed. Meanwhile, only one percent of men reported being sexually propositioned on a run (compared to 18 percent of women), and 93 percent of surveyed men reported they are rarely or never concerned about unwanted physical contact or assault as they prepare for a run.

The striking difference between the experience of running while male and running while female is even reflected in Google search results. Type in "male runners stats" and you'll get pages and pages of results pertaining to marathon finishing times, training guides, and other sport-related info. Search for "women runners stats," on the other hand, and stories about the dangers of running while female show up in the first few results and continue to spill onto the following pages.

While running may be a more democratic sport than most, it's still challenging for women to escape the realities of deep-rooted cultural misogyny—no matter where, when, or how fast they run. In order for women runners to be really free, our culture first needs to reconcile with its pervasive misogyny, and men as a collective group need to stop harassing and assaulting women.

"I always wish someone would go into all the high schools and say something to make high-school boys not catcall women," Herron says—pointing out that boys who learn to treat women with respect are less likely to grow into men who don't.

Until that day, Herron says there are several strategies women can employ to feel safer on their runs.

"The No. 1 safety strategy is just to be completely aware of your surroundings," Herron says. To that end, she makes a habit of continually scanning her surroundings and wears open-ear headphones that allow her to enjoy music while simultaneously hearing what's going on around her.

Herron does occasionally bring a weapon, but she's very selective about what she uses. "If you're going to carry a weapon, it should be something that you're very comfortable with, very skilled at, and have lots of practice with," she says. Her preferred option is a Go Guarded ring, which is a plastic, serrated-edge weapon that can be worn on any finger. She points out that it's also essential to keep your weapon in your hand at all times. "It's not going to be any good in your fanny pack," she says.

Herron also advocates for self-defense classes. "I would recommend a self-defense class to anyone," she says, crediting the skills she learned in such a class with helping her fight off her first attacker. "The fact that my self-defense class was brought in by my employers—that's something that I'd love to see more HR departments do. Taco Tuesday is great, but you can also give employees the tools that could potentially save their lives."

Finally, it's important to look out for each other. And that can happen in several ways.

"Men often ask me what they can do to make women feel safer, and I tell them to be on the lookout for creeps," Herron says. "Sometimes just making eye contact can be enough to deter them. I also think guys need to call each other out for harassment and misogyny."

Talking openly about women runners' experiences can be another form of solidarity. "In coming forward with my stories, I wanted to let other women who have been accosted or assaulted know that they're not alone," Herron says. "Sharing the stories and hearing that it's happened to other people can be very healing, so that you're not kind of caught in this spiral of shame and blame."

While having to think so much about safety may curtail women's freedoms while running, Herron says putting strategies in place can help women feel confident enough to continue heading to the streets and trails. "While I don't think we can ever get to a place of 100 percent freedom, I think we can do everything we possibly can to free ourselves of worry and fear."



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The Scary Skin Care Trend That Actually Works

When someone tells you that a great way to improve your skin is to puncture it thousands of times, you wouldn't be blamed for being skeptical. For one, ouch. And for another, aren't we (as in all living beings) supposed to avoid being wounded?

But that's exactly the deal with microneedling, the trendy procedure that dermatologists and beauty magazines have been hyping for years—because it works. It's not cheap and it's not magic, however, so here's some more info you'll want before you go poking holes in your face.

The Science Behind Microneedling

Back in 1995, doctors began trying to improve patients' "depressed" scars, such as acne pits, by poking hypodermic needles just under the surface of the skin. The idea was that, by doing so, you'd trigger the healing process, which includes signaling cells to produce more collagen. Inspired by that concept, others went on to find ways to multiply the effect, leading to the invention of the Dermaroller.

"It's very controlled injury," said dermatologist Sejal Shah, MD, after her assistant lathered lidocaine onto my face, numbing me so I could get some injuries of my own. Shah explained that other procedures, such as laser treatments and peels, do the same thing. Those other treatments also injure the surface of the skin, making recovery time significantly longer than with microneedling.

There's a lot of scientific research out there to support the use of microneedling: On its own, it's been proven to improve the look of acne scars and wrinkles. It is also used in conjunction with skin products and medications to improve conditions such as melasma (sun spots) and alopecia, with patients seeing measurably better results than with the products alone.

"You're creating micro-channels into the skin so you can deliver products or ingredients into the deeper layers directly," says dermatologist Doris Day, M.D.

The Fountain of Youth… With Teeth

A less measurable effect, as anecdotally reported by dermatologists like Day and Shah, is how the procedure rejuvenates the skin.

"As you get older, the body's ability to produce collagen just goes," Shah says. Sun damage and lower levels of estrogen contribute to decreased collagen production, and that's how our skin gradually loses its baby suppleness and begins to submit to gravity. Microneedling is one way to sound the alarms in skin cells and get them, at least temporarily, to plump up again.

EDITOR'S PICK

The In-Office Procedure

At Shah's office, I tried out Vivace, which adds fractional radio frequencies to the microneedling procedure—which basically means there's also heat coming from the needles. Shah explains that the heat reaches deeper than the needles themselves, which the Vivace's robotic arm inserts at depths of .5mm to 3.5mm.

Traditional Dermaroller needles range from .5mm to 2mm. The SkinPen, which Day likes to use because it's FDA-approved for acne scars, goes from .5mm to 3mm. Devices like the Vivace and the SkinPen allow the doctor to vary the depth depending on what they're treating and the area of face they're treating.

So, the real question on everyone's mind: How much do those tiny needles hurt?

With the Vivace, the most uncomfortable part of my procedure was the numbing cream, which made me feel odd and swollen like I'd been to the dentist. I could feel the needles ever so slightly as Shah worked on my forehead—the most sensitive area, thanks to it just slightly covering your, you know, skull—but it never really hurt. Honestly, I've used face washes that stung more. After about 15-20 minutes, the good doctor was done, and an assistant applied an Avene soothing sheet mask just to hydrate my skin.

After microneedling, dermatologists can add a variety of products, depending on the issue they're looking to treat. Antioxidants and retinoids would boost the rejuvenation effect, as might PRP (platelet-rich plasma)—the so-called vampire facial in which the doctor takes a sample of your blood and puts it through a centrifuge and then applies it to your skin.

"Most of what you want to put on is very gentle because it can be absorbed through the skin quickly," Shah says. "I don't do acids or vitamin C or anything that can be kind of irritating to the skin."

Doctors also typically recommend about three microneedling procedures to get real results (more for serious acne scarring), plus an occasional maintenance round. That's the only downside of this thing I can see: the price. Vivace costs about $800-850 per treatment, and traditional microneedling is about half that.

The At-Home Alternative

Now that you're totally OK with the concept of sticking needles in your face, why not just try it at home? Well, for one, this isn't an apples-to-apples comparison. The rollers sold for at-home use are much shallower than the ones at your doctor's office, where professionals are armed with numbing cream and proper sanitary practices.

Day is not a fan of home microneedling. "If there's one dull needle on the device, then you're rubbing that dull needle all over, and that can actually create scars because now you're creating a blunt injury, not a sharp one," she says.

There's also the risk of the needles becoming contaminated with dirt and bacteria. We don't even replace our toothbrushes and lipsticks frequently enough—can we be trusted with sharp objects? Because at-home dermarollers come with these sanitation concerns, office procedures may be a smarter choice (and lead to better results).

But if you take proper care of your device, an at-home microneedling device can provide some benefits.

"The real purpose of those devices is to improve penetration of products," Shah says. "You see improved skin with that, of course, because they make your products more effective."

The Results

When I dared to look at myself in the bathroom mirror at Shah's office, I was relieved to see only a couple of red dots on my face, which disappeared that night when I rinsed my face again. While the channels the needles made were wide open for the first four to six hours, Shah advised me not to put anything else on my face. After that, however, I was free to go back to my typical skin-care routine.

Traditional microneedling has a slightly longer downtime—depending on depth of treatment, some have close to three days downtime, while some people may heal more quickly. Doctors typically advise against any makeup for 24 hours after the procedure.

But by the next morning, I didn't really need any makeup. I had zero redness, and my skin was glowing—even after a five-hour flight that day. A week later, my skin texture was still noticeably smoother and maybe even firmer, and my pores seemed smaller. This was not a miracle, however—I still have a line in the middle of my forehead, the first signs of laugh lines, and the signs of my full decade of teenage nose pimples.

"It's not going to be a facelift, and it doesn't necessarily get rid of everything," Day says.

Oh, well—there are always filters for that.

Sabrina Rojas Weiss lives in Brooklyn, surrounded by her fellow freelance writers and competitive stroller-pushers. Her work has appeared on Refinery29, Yahoo, MTV News, and Glamour.com. The views expressed herein are her own and are meant to be taken with a grain of salt. Follow her on Twitter @shalapitcher.



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Holiday Heart Syndrome Is a Legit Concern This Time of Year

Though it sounds like a warm and fuzzy Hallmark Christmas movie or an adorable craft you’d see on Pinterest, the term holiday heart actually refers to a relatively common health problem. I should know because it happened to me. A few years ago, after a couple of pre-dinner glasses of wine, I noticed my heart was pounding. I lay down, assuming that if I got some rest, it would have to slow down. But to my bewilderment, it didn’t. For at least an hour, it continued to thump wildly in my chest.

Panicked, I took to the internet to self-diagnose (cause I’m a millennial and that’s what we do, obvs). Sure enough, there was a name for what I was experiencing: holiday heart syndrome.

By definition, holiday heart syndrome is an “acute cardiac rhythm and/or conduction disturbance” associated with alcohol consumption. In other words, your heart goes wonky when you drink too much—even if you’re a healthy person who doesn’t experience heart problems otherwise. Your heart may pound or beat irregularly in a misfiring pattern known as atrial fibrillation, or you may even feel lightheaded, faint, or short of breath. (Symptoms are usually quite noticeable, so you’ll know if you’re experiencing it.)

Why “Holiday” Heart?

While this can happen any time we drink a bit too much, the condition earns its “holiday” moniker for good reason. Americans’ alcohol consumption spikes dramatically as we enter the holiday season. As parties and festivities fill our calendars, we’re packing them with booze: A quarter of annual distilled spirit sales occur between Thanksgiving and Christmas, and one study found that average alcohol consumption during the last two weeks of December was 70 percent higher than the rest of the year.

According to Alcohol.org, 27.3 percent of men and 16.7 percent of women report drinking enough on New Year’s Eve to have difficulty remembering the celebration. And for some, the reasons behind the excess are not so festive. The holidays see a major surge in mental health issues like anxiety and depression, which may often lead to increased drinking as a coping mechanism.

Who Does It Affect?

Just like this syndrome isn’t limited to the holidays, it’s also not confined to any particular population of people, healthy or unhealthy—and it may not take much of a binge to make you experience it. I had my “attack” after just two drinks. Am I simply extra susceptible? For reasons unknown, it turns out some people are. For the very sensitive, just one drink can precipitate heart arrhythmias. Stress and dehydration—two additional hallmarks of the holidays—also appear to play a role in increased risk. Most people, however, only experience an episode of holiday heart syndrome after binge-drinking.

Is There a Way to Avoid It?

It’s true that abstaining from alcohol is the only foolproof way to prevent holiday heart syndrome, but that may not mean we’re doomed to a dry December. Nieca Goldberg, M.D., cardiologist and medical director of the Joan H. Tisch Center for Women’s Health at NYU Langone Medical Center, encourages moderation instead of excess.

“Just because it’s the holidays doesn’t mean you should increase your alcohol intake,” she says. (For reference, “moderate” consumption is widely defined as up to one drink per day for women and up to two per day for men.) For those who may be sensitive, keep drinking mindfully with frequent check-ins as to how you’re feeling.

What to Do When Holiday Heart Hits

If a telltale thumping heart or an erratic pulse flares up after a few cups of eggnog, you probably don’t need to freak out. Simply stop drinking. Most cases of holiday heart syndrome resolve within a few hours or up to a day. But more serious symptoms require medical attention. Any time you experience shortness of breath, lightheadedness, or feeling faint (or actually fainting) after alcohol consumption, go to the hospital right away, instructs Goldberg (and common sense).

Any Long-Term Effects to Worry About?

If you’re like me (which is to say a perpetual hypochondriac), you may wonder whether an episode of holiday heart syndrome has sinister implications for your long-term heart health. Does it make you more likely to have a heart attack later in life, for example? While there appears to be no indication that holiday heart means your ticker is headed for permanent trouble, chronic alcohol use does come with plenty of health risks, both for your heart and your general health.

“Heavy drinking can lead to a condition known as alcoholic cardiomyopathy, an irreversible weakening of the heart muscle that can result in heart failure,” Goldberg warns. And long-term alcohol use increases the risk of numerous health problems we’d all like to avoid, from liver disease to cancer to dementia.

Thankfully, during the holidays, there are plenty of other ways to celebrate besides binge-drinking. Decorate a gingerbread house, bust out your best ugly sweater and go caroling, or cozy up in front of a fire. Or, sure, have a drink here or there—just be mindful and keep it moderate.



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How to Handle a Toxic Sibling

If The Brady Bunch were a reflection of real life, siblings wouldn't have any troubles worse than slight jealousy and the rare football-throwing mishap. But as you may have noticed from your lack of bell bottoms and days that don't end in cheesy life lessons, The Brady Bunch is pretty far from the truth. On TV, sibling relationships are treated as special, unique bond that can never be broken. In real life, however, sibling ties are just like every other relationship—complicated.

Just because you share parents and memories of holidays past doesn't mean your sibling relationships will be close. But when a brother or sister becomes a toxic influence on your life, what can you do? I spoke to psychologists to find out the best ways to recognize toxic behavior, mend broken relationships, and discover when it's time to cut ties completely.

Not All Siblings Are Close

"Sibling relationships are complex," says licensed social worker and therapist Shannon Thomas. "Societal expectations are placed on us that we should be besties with our siblings, especially if they are the same gender. If we don't have a close relationship, we often feel embarrassed to admit it to friends. We think, Who doesn't like their siblings? Many people, actually."

Thomas says that many clients suffer from guilt over sibling relationships that are less than perfect, even though it happens all the time. In a survey about family estrangement in adults from the University of Cambridge, 68 percent of participants felt a stigma from detaching from a family member. Out of 807 participants, 361 people were estranged from a sister, 362 parted ways with brothers, and 118 split from both. Though a difficult relationship with a sibling feels especially hurtful and rare, it's more common than it seems.

But when does a relationship go from unpleasant to toxic? And how do you know it's time to call it quits with someone you've shared so much of your life with?

Assess the Damage

"Toxic siblings cannot only be a burden to you but can create pain for the rest of the family," says Kristen Fuller, M.D. "There is no black-and-white line of when an individual should cut their siblings out of their life, but there are many questions you can ask yourself when attempting to decide whether or not your siblings are too harmful to hold a valuable presence," Fuller says.

Consider these queries when dealing with the family member in question:

  • Have you considered going to therapy specifically to figure out how to help your sibling?
  • Have you talked to other family members about this situation? If so, what did they say?
  • Was there ever a point in your life where you were close with your sibling? If so, at what point did you start to drift apart?
  • Has your sibling ever physically harmed you or broken the law?
  • Does your sibling make you feel unsafe?

By answering these questions, you'll get a clearer picture of the relationship you have with your sibling. And if you can answer these questions with a therapist, all the better. They'll be able to give you an objective view of the situation and provide tools to deal with a sibling who's probably going through problems of their own.

Now, if the sibling has threatened or physically hurt you, Fuller says it's best to remove yourself from their life right away. It's not worth risking your own safety for a family relationship. But, if the relationship isn't overtly threatening, there are ways to try to make the relationship work.

Communicate Your Feelings

"Hey, sis. You're making my life miserable. I thought you might like to know."

OK, fine, maybe that isn't the best way to start a conversation about how your sibling has impacted your life, but it is important that you share your feelings with honesty. In the Cambridge survey, most respondents wished they could have a more positive, loving sibling relationship with less judgment and criticism. "If we find ourselves anxious before or after seeing them, or their behaviors cause us to seriously doubt ourselves and life decisions, we need to take a step back and assess if the relationship is more harmful than beneficial," Thomas says.

So if your sibling has let you down time and again, constantly judges you, or seems to use you like an ATM instead of a family member, you need to let them know, Fuller says. They may not respond positively to your honest talk, but it will give you both a chance to air out your grievances and potentially start healing.

Make a Plan

After you've expressed your feelings, you can put actionable steps in place to potentially change the relationship for the better. "Create a time-limited plan that includes quantifiable, observable outcomes that can help to guide your efforts and course-correct as needed," says Lindsay Trent, Ph.D., psychologist and cofounder of Basis.

So can you just say "stop being toxic" and call it a day? Sadly, no. Instead, give your sibling firm rules and take note of the outcome. Trent recommends keeping everything in writing, so you have a tangible log of the steps you took to make the relationship work and how the sibling responded. This way, you'll more easily see how things are improving or have proof that they're getting worse.

"Inviting your sibling to collaborate on a plan is a great way to help you co-create shared goals," Trent says. "Their willingness to participate in this process can also serve as an indicator of how invested they are and if it is worth your time and effort."

So, if you want to be closer, try to find ways you both can make that happen. Or if you'd like to be criticized less, let your sibling know that your conversations cannot revolve around judgment. Maybe if a sibling is too needy or always asks for money and favors, set limits on the amount of time and resources you spend on them.

Then use positive reinforcement to help you both reach your goals, Trent says. It's easy to gloss over the little moments when a sibling tries to change their behavior. So whenever you see a change for the better, recognize it and thank your sibling for the effort. By focusing on the good, the sibling has incentive to change, and you'll also feel better about the relationship as a whole.

EDITOR'S PICK

Set Boundaries

Unfortunately, not all siblings want to make things work."If you have shared your feelings with them about how they have harmed you, and they have responded poorly and no change has occurred, at the very least, it's time to set boundaries regarding your interactions with them," Williamson says.

For example, if a sibling is always asking you for money, there comes a point when it's harmful to you and your sibling to keep doling out cash. By enabling their lack of financial responsibility, they won't change, and you will continue to feel used. By establishing clear boundaries, you can regain your sanity, while your sibling has to face the reality of their choices, according to Williamson.

"Maybe this means you only see them at large family gatherings. Maybe this means that you let them know you are no longer engaging in conversation with them when they start to say harmful things to you," Williamson says. "If you have helped them in the past financially, and they only interact with you when they need money or a place to stay, it may mean it's time to tell them that you will be happy to talk with them when they are no longer calling with a need."

Boundaries can be extremely hard, but it's the best thing for the both of you. "It's important to remember that setting boundaries is not unloving," Williamson says. "When we don't set boundaries and people walk all over us, we typically end up harboring resentment, even if it's not shown externally at first." If you don't deal with that resentment, it builds up and tears apart any chance for a relationship.

Instead of lashing out from bottled up rage in the future, set boundaries now. Though you might limit your time with your sibling, you aren't cutting them out of your life completely. But you are making it clear that you won't continue to be used, and their negative behavior can't overtake your life.

When You Have to Let Them Go

At a certain point, you may need to cut ties with a sibling. When you've tried to mend fences, and they keep knocking them down, it's best to put your mental, physical, and financial health first and let the sibling go... at least for a while.

"You have the option to take a break from your sibling," Fuller says. "Encourage them to seek help and maybe potentially become close again after enough time and healing has passed." You can leave the door open for future reconciliation when your sibling's behavior has changed, but in the meantime, limit contact.

Again, maintain your boundaries. If you feel guilty for cutting them out of your life, look back on all the things you did to try to fix the situation. Trent says to look back on your notes to see the list of all the actions you took to make things right. This won't heal your pain immediately but should give you some peace in knowing that the effort was made.

At this point, all the experts recommend going to therapy. A mental health professional will be able to help you maintain the boundaries you've set up, deal with any family related guilt, and guide you through the negative memories of the toxic relationship. Williamson also recommends groups like Al-Anon to get support in maintaining boundaries and recognizing other toxic or codependent relationships in your life.

Fortunately, most sibling estrangements don't last a lifetime. The Cambridge survey found that only 36 percent of participants thought they could never have a relationship with their sibling again (compared to 56 percent of people who were positive they'd never have a relationship with their mother).

Sibling connections are complicated, but when you set boundaries and prioritize your own health, you'll be able to live a better life—with or without your sibling. "Walking away from a toxic relationship does not mean that you are completely shutting a door," Fuller says. "It means that you are giving yourself enough space to heal."

Amber Petty is an L.A.-based writer and a regular contributor to Greatist. Follow along as she shares her weight-loss journey in her new bi-monthly column, Slim Chance. Follow her on Instagram @Ambernpetty.



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