When Do You Ovulate? Here’s How to Track Your Cycle

Menstrual cycles have been tracked for a long time to pinpoint your period. But what’s the best way to track when you’re ovulating?

These days, many prefer the ease of an app over the traditional calendar, but it’s the same idea: Knowing roughly when your ovary releases an egg can be pretty useful.   

Whether you’re trying to boost your odds of pregnancy or lower them, let’s break down eggsactly how to pinpoint when you’re ovulating.

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What is ovulation, anyway?

Ovulation happens when one of your ovaries releases a lil’ egg that travels from your fallopian tube to your uterus.

Around days 6 to 14 of your menstrual cycle, follicles in one of your ovaries begin to mature. By day 10 or 14, an egg develops from one of your follicles. The egg then continues on its mission around day 14.

When does ovulation happen?

Ovulation happens typically once a month if you have a uterus and are of childbearing age — usually around day 14 to 16 of a 28-day menstrual cycle (AKA, about 2 weeks after your period). In rarer cases, some people might release multiple eggs within 24 hours of each other.

Once an egg is released, your mature egg (aw, so grown up!) is ready to be fertilized. If sperm fertilize your egg, surprise, next comes conception and pregnancy.

Otherwise, your egg will dissolve within 12 to 24 hours. When fertilization doesn’t happen, Aunt Flo comes-a-marching: Your egg and uterine lining will shed in about 2 weeks.

Then, much like Groundhog Day, the whole thing starts over. And over.

When do you ovulate on birth control?

The pill typically prevents ovulation. For instance, combination birth control pills contain estrogen and progesterone, stopping your egg-formation process. These hormones also thicken up your cervical mucus, making it harder for sperm to wriggle into your uterus.

The progesterone-only pill, AKA the mini pill, also thickens your cervical mucus, thins your uterine lining, and suppresses ovulation. For maximum effectiveness, the pill should be taken at the same time every day.

According to the National Health Service, about 9 in 100 women on either pill have an accidental pregnancy each year. The pill’s effectiveness can vary based on the time you take it, other medications or supplements, and certain medical conditions.

If you’re concerned about an unplanned pregnancy, talk to your OB-GYN about how to play it as safe as possible.

In general, it’s best to use a backup barrier-form of birth control (condoms FTW!) for at least the first week on the pill. Ovulation can still happen until your bod acclimates to hormones.  

How long does ovulation last?

Ovulation only lasts for about 12 to 24 hours, but peak fertility lasts for quite a bit longer.

According to the University of California San Francisco, sperm can survive for up to 5 days in the female reproductive tract. So, there’s a pretty big window for fertilization to occur. This means that there’s about a 5 to 6-day window you can get pregnant (and you don’t even have to do the deed during ovulation).

Signs and symptoms of ovulation

Not everyone experiences symptoms of ovulation. Sometimes, though, people may notice some or all of the following signs:      

1. Ovulation bleeding

Bleeding doesn’t exclusively happen during your period — it can also occur during ovulation. Unlike most periods, though, ovulation bleeding is typically super light. Basically, some people notice some faint spotting that might require an underwear liner at the most.

The spotting is usually light pink or red in color, which is a sign that the blood’s mixed with cervical fluid. It should only last for 1 or 2 days or about 11 to 21 days after the first day of your last period.

Only about 3 percent of people have mid-cycle spotting, though. So, it’s not a super reliable way to check for ovulation.

2. Ovulation cramps

Chances are, you know a thing or two about period cramps. While much less discussed, ovulation pain can be a thing too. In fact, German speakers even have a name for it: mittelschmerz, which translates to “middle pain.”

Some describe these sensations like a ”twinge” or a ”pop” in either ovary, a mild burning sensation, or a feeling of heaviness in the lower abdomen. The discomfort is often quite subtle and short-lived.

3. Basal body temperature

Checking your temperature each morning when you wake up may lend clues to when you ovulate.

Your basal body temperature (BBT) is the temp you have when you first wake up — before you even check your emails or trudge your way to the French press. During ovulation, your BBT rises by about 1°F or less and stays that way until menstruation.

This slight increase happens due to the hormone progesterone, which helps your uterine lining become thick and spongy to prep for implantation.

4. Revved-up sex drive

If you’re more than ready to get down and dirty, you might be ovulating. No one’s sure exactly why some people get horny before their periods, but it could be due to a rise in estrogen and testosterone levels during ovulation.

5. Soft cervix

Your cervix (essentially the lower portion of your uterus) gets a little softer than usual, sits a little higher, and becomes more moist during ovulation. 

Earlier in your cycle, your cervix is firmer and closed. When you keep tabs on your cervix, you’ll start to notice the changes.

6. Egg-white discharge

Wait, what’s that stuff in your undies right now? If you notice an influx of different-looking discharge, ovulation may be the culprit.

Cervical mucus consists mostly of water. When estrogen levels surge during ovulation, this fluid becomes more voluminous, stretchy, and clear — almost like egg whites. Basically, it’s the wave that sperm ride to the egg.

During peak fertility, you might notice a lot more than usual. When it looks stringy and sticky, it could be a clue that you’re ovulating or close to it.

So, how do you know you’re ovulating? 

1. Track on an app or calendar

Since ovulation typically occurs around 10 to 16 days before your period starts, an app can be a helpful way to track when it happens. If you prefer the old-fashioned way, a calendar totally works too.

Here’s how to track it with regular-old pen and paper:

1. Record the start date and duration of your period for 8 to 12 months.
2. Take note of your longest and shortest cycle.
3. Subtract 18 days from your shortest cycle — that’s the first day of your fertile window.
4. Subtract 11 days for the duration of your longest cycle.
5. Your fertile window = the time between the 2 days you wrote down.

For best results, your menstrual cycle should be roughly regular each month. You can also improve your estimates by coupling it with other methods like checking your temperature and cervical mucus.  

2. Check your temp

Check your basal body temperature in the morning right when you wake up. Remember to check it while you’re still in bed, before you move around to ensure the reading’s as accurate as possible. If it’s about a degree higher than normal for several days, you might be ovulating.

You should use a thermometer specifically designed to measure BBT. These thermometers have extra features, like temp recall and accuracy of up to 1/100^th of a degree.

This method might not be completely reliable, and a research review even concluded that the method is only 22 percent accurate in detecting ovulation. Make sure to combine taking your BBT with other methods for best results.

And, take note: A late night of drinking, traveling, or illness can also get your BBT out of whack.

3. Survey your cervical fluid

Keep your eyes on your cervical fluid for clues about ovulation. If it looks thick and clear like egg whites, you might be ovulating.

To check your fluid, simply check the residue in your undies or use a clean finger to survey the liquid. A stringy texture is a decent indicator that ovulation’s going on.

4. Scope out your cervix

To see if you’re ovulating, you can use clean fingers to reach inside your vagina and feel your cervix. If it feels firm (kind of like your nose cartilage), you’re prob not ovulating. If it feels soft and moist (more like your lips), then you might be ovulating.

This is obvs not an objective test, but it can lend a helpful hint.  

5. Use an ovulation predictor test

During ovulation, your bod starts making more luteinizing hormone (LH), causing the egg to be released. An ovulation predictor test can help detect the levels of LH in your body, which can help predict when ovulation goes down.

Also known as a luteinizing hormone (LH) test, the pee strip or digital test measures the amount of LH in your urine. You can pick one up at any drug store.

According to the American Association for Clinical Chemistry, these tests have varying accuracy levels and should not be used to definitively predict when ovulation occurs. Again, using a few methods can help you pinpoint ovulation with more accuracy.

How to prevent pregnancy during ovulation

Not on birth control, but want to prevent pregnancy during ovulation? Natural birth control tracking methods like fertility awareness methods (FAMs) can help you keep tabs on your menstrual cycle so you can predict ovulation and avoid pregnancy.

According to Planned Parenthood, when used correctly, FAMs are about 76 to 88 percent effective when used as birth control, meaning that about 12 to 24 out of 100 couples who rely on FAMs will become pregnant each year.

To use FAMs to predict ovulation, here’s what to do for the best results:

• Combine several FAM methods. According to Planned Parenthood, you can track ovulation with the temperature method, the cervical mucus method, and the calendar method for best results. A fertility app and regular LH tests can also help you keep tabs on ovulation.
• Use a barrier method or abstain during ovulation. During your estimated ovulation window + 3 days before and after, abstain from sex or use a barrier-form of birth control (like a condom) to prevent pregnancy.
• Talk to a nurse, doctor, or counselor. Tracking your fertility takes a lot of time, patience, and expertise. If you’re committed to this method, you can also chat with a nurse, doctor, or counselor familiar with FAMs to help guide you through the process.    

How to get pregs during ovulation

Tracking ovulation is a tool to help increase the odds of pregnancy. If you’re hoping to have a baby, these tips might help:

• Use several methods to track ovulation. Combining multiple predictive methods, like the calendar method, LH test, and BBT method, will help increase the accuracy of your ovulation window prediction. Being consistent definitely helps too.
• Have sex before and after ovulation. You’re most likely to get pregnant 2 or 3 days before your ovary releases an egg, so be sure to hit the sack around this estimated time period.
• Talk to a professional. Tracking your fertility can be exciting — it can also be overwhelming. For best results, talk to a doctor who specializes in fertility. They can offer the guidance you need.

The takeaway

Tracking when ovulation occurs is tricky and notoriously unreliable, but you can take steps to improve accuracy. Combining several methods (like the calendar, temperature, and cervical mucus methods) and chatting with a medical professional may improve results.

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Omega-3s: Which Types Do I Need and Where Can I Catch ‘Em?

You’ve probably heard over and over that omega-3 fatty acids are good for you, but have you ever wondered why? And also, which omega-3 is the best kind?

First, what’s an omega-3?

Omega-3 fatty acids are a type of essential polyunsaturated fat. Your body needs them to keep your heart healthy, boost your brain function, and keep inflammation at bay.

Here’s a quick rundown of the three main types — we’ll save the deep dive for later:

• Alpha-linolenic acid (ALA). ALA is an omega 3 that’s found in some plant foods. Although it can be converted into EPA and DHA, this process is extremely insufficient, so it’s important to get EPA and DHA from other sources like seafood.
• Eicosapentaenoic acid (EPA) + Docosahexaenoic acid (DHA). These fatty acids are concentrated in seafood like fatty fish and shellfish and play important roles in regulating inflammation, cellular health, and fetal development.

Keep scrolling for the deets on how many omega-3s you need to thrive, which types matter, and how to catch ’em all in your daily diet.

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How much omega-3 do you need?

The National Institutes of Health recommend the following daily ALA intake based on how old you are and whether you were assigned male at birth (AMAB) or assigned female at birth (AFAB).

Recommended daily amount of ALA

Age	AFAB	AMAB
👶 to 12 months*	0.5 gram	0.5 gram
1–3 years	0.7 gram	0.7 gram
4–8 years	0.9 gram	0.9 gram
9–13 years	1 gram	1.2 grams
14 years and older	1.1 grams	1.6 grams

*The recommendation for li’l bebes is their total omega-3s. All other rows are just ALA.

What about EPA and DHA? A joint statement from the Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations and the World Health Organization recommends that adults who are not pregnant or lactating should consume at least 0.25 grams of EPA and DHA daily.

PSA for the mamas

Growing a human is hard work! If you have a bun in the oven, aim for 1.4 grams of ALA and 0.2 grams of DHA and a bit of EPA per day. These fats are critical for fetal development.

Breastfeeding? Shoot for 1.3 grams of AL and at least 0.3 total grams of EPA and DHA per day too.

How to meet your daily goal

You can totally get your daily fill from healthy foods, but some people also take omega-3 supplements.

The most natural way to boost your levels is filling your plate with yummy seafood, nuts, seeds, and leafy greens (including algae!).

Some food manufacturers also fortify their products with added omega-3s (#bless). Check the labels of these frequently fortified noms:

• milk
• yogurt
• eggs
• soy drinks
• juice

What about supplements?

Sure! Omega-3 supplement pills are widely available and generally safe.

You’ve got several types to choose from:

• Fish oil. Made from fatty fish packed with EPA and DHA.
• Krill oil. Made from krill (duh), a small crustacean that EPA and DHA.
• Cod liver oil. Filled with EPA, DHA, and vitamins A and D.
• Algal oil. Vegetarians, this one’s for you! Made from algae, it packs in the DHA — and sometimes EPA.
• Flaxseed oil. Fills your ALA tank (also veggie!).

All the deets on ALA 

ALA is the most common omega-3 in the grocery store. You’ll find it in lots of plant foods like leafy greens, plant oils, seeds, and nuts. To maximize ALA’s health benefits, your body converts it into EPA and DHA. If it doesn’t get converted, it gets stored like any other fatty acid.

The next EPA-sode

Feeling a little achey and sore? There’s an omega-3 for that.

Science says your body uses EPAs — found in seafood — to help fight inflammation.

Research suggests that EPA could also help soothe depression and anxiety, though that doesn’t mean fish oil pills can replace a legit antidepressant.

A 2011 meta-analysis of research on omega-3 supplements and depression shows that supplements with greater than 60 percent EPA were effective at treating depression, while lower concentrations of EPA were not.

Consuming EPA = eating algae or fatty fish. But remember, your body can also get a teensy bit of EPA from ALA.

DHA lowdown

Say hey to DHA, the brain and vision booster!

EPA and DHA usually work hand in hand. Research indicates that they have several benefits when consumed together:

• decreased risk of Alzheimer’s
• a healthier heart
• less risk of heart attack
• weight management
• healthy fetal development

Again, you can convert small amounts of ALA to DHA, but you need to get it through diet too.

Omega-3 conversions

Let’s pull back the curtain: ALA is the most common omega-3, but it’s not actually useful on its own.

So, what’s a human body to do? Convert those bad boys! Your liver works hard to turn ALA into EPA and DHA, but it’s not a very efficient process — a conversion rate of less about 5 to 8 percent.

tl;dr: Omega-3 conversion is a thing, but ingesting EPA and DHA through food and supplements is a much faster way to increase your levels.

All the omega-3 types

There are at least eight other omega-3 fatty acids, and they’re all tongue-twisters. (Thank goodness for acronyms!)

• hexadecatrienoic acid (HTA)
• stearidonic acid (SDA)
• eicosatrienoic acid (ETE)
• eicosatetraenoic acid (ETA)
• heneicosapentaenoic acid (HPA)
• docosapentaenoic acid (DPA)
• tetracosapentaenoic acid
• tetracosahexaenoic acid

Which foods have the most omega-3s?

There are sooo many omega-3 rich foods. Here’s a sampling.

For ALA…

• canola, soybean, and flaxseed oils
• walnuts
• whole or ground flax seed
• chia seeds
• beans

Catch extra DHA and EPA in these fish-tastic options…

• salmon
• tuna
• sardines
• mackerel
• herring

Could you be de-fish-ient? 

Serious omega-3 deficiency — pretty rare in the United States — has been linked to scaly skin, arthritis, itchiness, and inflammation.

But a lack of symptoms doesn’t mean you’re all clear in the omega-3 department. Medical experts suggest that many American adults don’t consume enough DHA and EPA to live their healthiest lives.

One study noted that though the American Heart Association recommends 2 servings of seafood per week for adequate omega-3 intake, most Americans don’t eat that much fatty fish.

Omega-3 demands on mamas is even higher. But research shows that pregnant people do not eat enough fish and seafood to get the EPA and DHA they need for their own health and for fetal development.

tl;dr? Chances are, a little boost of omega-3 rich foods could help you get your levels into the healthy zone.

What the health? Why you should care about omega-3s

Like any dietary fat, omega-3s give you energy — but they’re useful in other ways too!

Omega-<3s for heart health

You’ve probably heard that omega-3s are good for your heart. But why?

Here are all the ways it effects your heart health, according to a 2017 research summary:

• It lowers healthy folks’ risk of a heart attack or heart failure.
• It raises HDL levels (the good cholesterol, yay!), but *also* might raise LDL (the bad kind, boo!).

Omega-3s for expectant mamas (pregnancy)

DHA in pregnant mothers helps develop babies’ retinas and brains. Even some baby formula sold at the grocery store is fortified with DHA so the little munchkins get what they need.

If you’re pregnant or hoping to be, start beefing up your EPA and DHA intake stat. Recent research shows that higher levels of omega-3 during pregnancy are associated with these benefits:

• lower risk of premature birth
• fewer infants with low birth weight
• fewer infants needing intensive care
• lower infant death rate
• lower fasting blood sugar in mothers with gestational diabetes
• less risk of postpartum depression

Unfortunately, there just isn’t much scientific evidence to definitively link omega-3 prenatal vitamins with a baby’s overall health, so eat more seafood to see results.

Cancer prevention

Researchers are eager to prove omega-3s can reduce cancer risk, but evidence is still spotty.

A few studies suggest that omega-3s could specifically reduce your risk of breast cancer and colorectal cancer.

Boosting brainpower and aiding Alzheimer’s prevention

There’s some evidence that taking DHA along with vitamins E and B could help sharpen older adults’ memory and brainpower.

A 2016 analysis of 21 studies showed that eating more fish or DHA is associated with a lowered risk of dementia and Alzheimer’s disease.

Eye see you: reducing the risk of macular degeneration

Folks who eat a lot of omega-3-packed fatty fish tend to have a lower risk of age-related macular degeneration (AMD). In other words, they’ve got great vision.

One study of 2,275 people 65 and older found that the folks who ate fatty fish at least once a week had a 53 percent lower risk of AMD.

More vision virtues

It’s clear that there’s a connection between omega-3s and healthy eyes.

There’s mixed evidence that EPA and DHA supplements could also help treat dry eye disease. Basically, we need more research to prove (or disprove) it.

Taming arthritis

Research is still limited on the link between omega-3s and rheumatoid arthritis (RA).

Studies do show that people with RA who consume fish oil and long-chain fatty acids need less pain medication. There’s also evidence that omega-3s improve swelling, pain, and stiffness.

Other ailments that might benefit from omega-3s

Scientists see lots of potential for using omega-3 fatty acids to improve health. Check out the research:

• Children with ADHD have lower levels of DHA and EPA, so supplementation may improve cognition and attention.
• High fish consumption is associated with a 17 percent lower risk of depression.
• According to a review of four studies, omega-3 supplements may improve lung function in people with cystic fibrosis.

What’s the harm in supplementing?

Side effects of taking omega-3 supplements tend to be mild. You could experience the following:

• a bad taste
• bad breath
• smelly sweat
• nausea
• heartburn
• upset stomach
• diarrhea
• headache

PSA: Keep your doctor in the loop

Always tell your doctor if you’re taking a supplement, especially if you’re also taking prescription medications. There’s always a possibility of interaction between your meds and supplements like fish oil.

For example, high doses of fish oil can interfere with clotting, which could be a big problem if you’re already taking an anticoagulant drug such as warfarin (Coumadin).

Bottom line

Omega-3s are an important nutrient for maintaining a healthy heart, lungs, and immune system. Your body can make some of the omega-3s, but you also need a good dietary supply of ALA, EPA, and DHA.

Research is mixed on how much omega-3 supplements impact health, but there’s good evidence that they improve heart health, lower inflammation, and help with ailments like rheumatoid arthritis and macular degeneration.

Remember to talk to your doctor before starting any new supplements.

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Want to Experience More Joy? Easy — Make Other People Happy

Is it presumptuous to say that everyone’s going to have an answer for where they were during the 2020 United States Election? Maybe. So, I have another question for you. It’s a question that’s more pointed and a little uncomfortable, especially if you hold certain privileges in the race, ethnicity, and wealth department. It’s a question that captures everything 2020 has tested the mettle of so far, and it’s this: If you got to vote, did you do so in the interest of progress for your community? 

Illustration by Brittany England

A better world means making sure everyone has their needs met

Earlier this year, I wrote about redistributing comforts and holding myself accountable when wanting to be selfish again. If you haven’t read them yet, bookmark them. For now, I’ll give you the tl;dr, which is: For a better world, we have to invest in the joy of others. An act that sounds so simple until you realize how much the pandemic, the very close elections, and racism have continuously taken away from us and others this year. 

In the midst of media chaos, it can be dizzying to have to pivot to a new focus every day. Especially if you can’t afford to stop doomscrolling. So, maybe this will help. Here are five questions I regularly ask myself, to keep my spirit and efforts in check.

How much more time would I have for listening to others, if I prioritized my relationship with them first? 

With the very close election results looming over my head, I found a lot of clarity in this piece about parasocial relationships by Kelly Yeo. It helped me understand not only why we hang our hopes on politicians and celebrities, but also when these relationships become so dangerous they override our ability to hold space for the real people in our lives.

If you suspect you might be in a parasocial relationship, Yeo gives us the lowdown on breaking up that one-sided love. 

How can I directly contribute so that other people are free to experience joy too?

With Thanksgiving also being famous for a time of volunteering, it seems pertinent to do what I can to (safely) make sure that as many people as possible can eat. And since COVID-19 has taken that opportunity for connection away, especially for adults 65 years and older, maybe this is the year we can consider stepping in?

If you haven’t checked out what your local food bank might need this holiday season, I highly recommend calling them as a place to start.

Doing your COVID-19 prevention part:

While we look at recovery rates and lowering death rates, we still have a lot to learn about long haulers and the long-term symptoms that linger and confuse the body, no matter your age. If, for the sake of accidentally creating more long haulers, you’re not going anywhere this holiday (or because home is not comforting), that’s valid.

And even if you’re alone, you don’t have to feel lonely. We’ve got you. From food to party ideas, gifts and decorations, we can make sure the investing part is celebratory and literally for yourself. 

How am I protecting my energy so that I don’t burn out from going through the motions? 

There’s a lot of misunderstanding about boundaries. Indigo Sage clarifies their purpose in a tip-based article. The idea that boundaries keep us away from each other is a myth. Boundaries are like instructions for a garden, and it’s following those instructions, by listening, respecting, and complying to each other’s needs, that allows for people to grow.

Do yourself a favor and freshen up on your boundary knowledge.

What if I stopped looking for one person to meet my needs and built a network of relationships instead? 

This essay, by Jennifer Murphy, gave me a lot of hope. It was like peeking into my future as a relationship anarchist. I’ve only been practicing relationship anarchy for (almost) a year now, and let me tell you: Investing time in building multiple strong relationships (instead of finding the one) not only brings more security, it also expands my capacity for sharing joy. And when you’re going through difficult times, having so many fruitful relationships is like being loved in succession.

If the term relationship anarchy is new to you, then you must read this piece. If you need to deconstruct the concept of traditional relationships even further, I highly recommend Gabrielle Smith’s primer on unpacking the relationship escalator.

Am I motivated to make my own life larger — or am I hoping others have the opportunity to live large too?

In modern day tradition, I’d like to bring up the 21st century parable of our former relatable fave Jennifer Lawrence. People Magazine reported that Lawrence made headlines for formerly voting Republican due to the fiscal benefits she’d get. I’d also like to bring up CEO Dan Price. Inc Magazine reported that he famously cut his own salary so that all his employees could earn a minimum of $70,000. 

Lawrence is probably doing well and good, but her choices back then only benefited her and people like her. The impact she had making lives better was minimal when it didn’t have to be. Price, on the other hand, who also cut his salary to $0 during COVID-19, has ensured the well-being of over 100 people and their families.

This comparison felt especially stark as I was refreshing the search term “election results” every day until Friday. With all the election anxiety going on, I felt desperate to find wins, and in the search, I realized that there are so many wins to celebrate. So many wins to motivate us to keep on fighting, no matter who the president is, for whichever year.

So to end this, in a metaphor that would make my mother proud, and in case you were skimming this: The moral of the story is to be more like Price, a person who has redistributed his comforts to make sure others can live, not just barely, but fully and joyfully. 

Christal Yuen is a senior editor at Greatist, covering all things beauty and wellness. Find her musing about therapy on Twitter.

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Why I Stopped Searching for “My Person” and Started Treasuring My People

Illustration by Maya Chastain

When I was 21, I signed up for doula training and started volunteering as a birth companion. I think I wanted to witness love — a different kind of love than what had consumed me the year prior. In a way, I saw the birthing process as the reversal of a doomed relationship. I found catharsis and healing in comforting a person through a process that (typically) started in pain and ended in joy.

Struggling with mental illness throughout my twenties showed me which relationships were steadfast and which were fragile. Due to trauma, nature, and bad luck, I’ve sometimes been what Bell Hooks refers to in Communion as a “truly despised female category: the woman who loves too much.” Yet in my darkest moments, the people I’d had romantic relationships with (namely, cishet men) were nowhere to be found. 

I realized at some point that the love I grew up believing would save me — romantic, cisheteronormative, exclusive love — was something I needed to challenge. And I soon discovered love doesn’t have to follow those rules.

Commitment and mutual affection show up in many different ways, and I wanted reciprocity. I wanted to give love to the people who had been there for me when I needed it most.

How relationship anarchy brought liberty into my life

Relationship anarchy, a term coined by Andie Nordgren, is the philosophy that relationships should not exist in hierarchies — that friendships, for example, shouldn’t automatically be seen as less important than romantic relationships.

As relationship coach Mel Cassidy told me, you don’t need to be non-monogamous to be a relationship anarchist, and those who choose monogamy can still learn a lot from these principles. “By stepping out of that inevitable ‘relationship escalator’ model, people can find so much diversity to explore in the ways they connect,” says Cassidy.

Learning more about RA has helped dissipate the feeling of urgency. Acceptance arrived in its place, and essentially, I’ve stopped searching for “my person.” 

Here’s why…

There is no “The One”

It might hurt to hear it, but your other half is probably not out there looking for you. The good news is that, hey! You’re actually whole just the way you are.

That’s not to say love from others is unimportant. It’s crucial. But prioritizing romance over other relationships, like friendships, can be damaging, to us and to the people we love.

Time is a valuable asset. When we pin our hopes and dreams to a single person and prioritize finding them or tending only to their needs, it can lead us to neglect our community. If we set aside our friendships to focus on a single “soulmate,” our community may not receive the time and energy it needs to thrive, and community is so important for our mental health.

As Cassidy says, “human beings are relational creatures: we didn’t evolve in dyadic units, we evolved in groups. In Western culture, the mythology of ‘the one’ has led to the notion that our partner should be able to meet all our needs all of the time.”

These expectations can be harmful to both our partners and ourselves, as bearing all that emotional weight is a lot of pressure. 

Unnecessary pain

Upholding hierarchical relationships as the default, as what is healthy or expected, is precarious. When we place all our little love eggs in such a fragile basket, we might be setting ourselves up for more heartache, whether it’s in one fell swoop or in a thousand little ways over the years.

For me, being in love under patriarchal ideals (i.e. finding a man to fulfill me) has always felt like opening up my chest and saying, “look inside, take whatever you want.” As someone who struggles with emotional dysregulation, it has sometimes felt like I’m missing a protective layer of flesh.

Being loved under those expectations felt like I was trapped, burrowing in the ground until my fingers bled, trying to get out from under the light of their gaze.

Once I went on a (fairly awkward) double date with a guy I loved and his grandparents. As his grandpa grilled me on all the classics I hadn’t read, I overheard his grandma compliment me. My first instinct was to catch his reaction. I needed him to confirm it before I accepted it, because I could only see myself as worthy through his eyes.

Prioritizing growth and transformation

Suffice it to say, that kind of love (which artist Florence Given might call “hetrifying” ) simply isn’t for me anymore. I believe I missed out on forging some incredibly loving, healing bonds because I was laser-focused on finding some guy to notice and love me, when I was already being noticed and loved by so many others.

Of course, there’s a space where these hopes used to be. A space once occupied with dreams of vows and permanence. Dreams of being scooped up and away from the bad things, the bad parts of other people, the bad parts of myself.

Cassidy told me feeling this empty space is normal to an extent, as these expectations of unconditional love are “so ingrained in us.” But they also said that “taking the time to consciously invest in non-romantic and non-sexual relationships is one way we can challenge the ideas of scarcity that keep many people in patriarchal monogamy. Actively nurturing the primary relationships in our lives — the ones we have with ourselves — is incredibly healing, nourishing, and transformative.”

Shifting my focus to my friends, my family, and myself in recent years, I’ve discovered I can let love in without it becoming all-consuming. I can allow simple moments and passing pleasures with those I care about — like a dip in the ocean, a crackly bonfire, sleeping next to the sound of rainfall — take priority over a fantasy that hurts more in the long run.

I’d love to get all Robert Frost on you, like “I took the road less travelled by, and that has made all the difference,” but the truth is, a lot of people will forever challenge whether this is my path, or simply the vestiges of what I’ve learned to live without.

And that’s okay.

I’m not certain other people’s opinion of my commitment matters 

Cherishing my people over one person means being fully present for my nieces and nephews, it means cultivating new friendships and continuing to foster old ones. It means developing a stronger sense of self, and a better foundation of self-respect. I’ve found people who are here to stay, and I’ve started to believe I am worthy of that level of commitment.

Romance is not excluded from that. It simply won’t take front and center, and I feel confident in that part of my story.

This is where I am. This is my journey. This is my life — for better or worse.

JK Murphy is a Halifax-based writer and photographer who is passionate about mental health and body politics. She loves the ocean and making people laugh. Follow her on Twitter.

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Hot Probs: I Feel Uncomfortable and Unsexy in My Quarantine Body

Design by Alexis Lira

Content note: This article contains descriptions of weight and body perception.

I’ve gained what I feel is a considerable amount of weight over the past year. I’m using the word “feel” because that’s the important word. But just like I’ve gone up a size in shirts and underwear due to my brand-new larger boobs and butt, I’ve started training myself to see my weight gain as nothing outside of how it makes me, personally, feel.

My weight gain isn’t something to worry about people noticing. And it’s not something to beat myself up about by sacrificing much needed leisure time, family time, or work time. I’m reminding myself daily that my new weight gain is just there.

It got there from my anxiety meds not working for me, lethargy, and eating processed snack foods. And now, I can either hate myself because of it or love the extra inches of my body just like I should try to love my whole body. Feeling OK with my body, and working towards feeling great about my body, is the goal that’s worth focusing on.

A quick scroll through my social media feed shows me that I’m not alone here. Whether it’s due to the nightmarish, rocky stretch of 2020 we’ve all been navigating, or another storm of personal stressors, many people are riding the weight roller coaster’s ups and downs and the emotional Olympics that go along with it.

Before I attempt to help out with body weight in Hot Probs #5, I’ll say this: If there are questions you’re grappling with that you’d like me to chime in on, you can ask me about them here. Don’t worry, it’s 100 percent anonymous, and there’s no question that I’ll look down on. And maybe I’ll help you, or maybe I’ll just give you that laugh you need to get through the rest of the day.

Either way, this is Hot Probs… here we go…

The Hot Prob:

“I gained a lot of weight over quarantine and I don’t feel sexy or confident anymore. I’m married, and my wife tells me that we need to make more time for each other, meaning that we need to have sex more often, but I avoid it at all cost because I’m just so uncomfortable in my new larger body.”

I want first to address your mentioning of not feeling sexy because of the weight you’ve gained. Highlighting the word “because,” let’s think about some different life scenarios that could be affected “because” of something.

If I had a sprained knee, I wouldn’t go jogging “because” of that knee. It would physically hurt to do so. If I had a migraine episode, I wouldn’t go out to my friend’s show (remember those) at a loud, packed venue “because” I’d most likely not feel my best during the event.

There are certain physical conditions that may prevent a person from doing various activities. But just like the physicality of cramps, or a migraine episode like to keep us away from activities, our brains sometimes cook up little nightmares that keep us from living healthy and stronger lives.

Your mind may be telling you that having sex with your wife is less than ideal right now because you’ve gained some weight. What if you just told your mind to take a hike and follow your body to the bone zone? The fact that your wife is saying that you two need to make time to be intimate with each other lets me know that she doesn’t mind the extra weight you’ve put on. It sounds like she’s fine with it, she loves you, and wants to be close to you.

Let’s get you on that same level about yourself.

As I mentioned, I also had to put a bit of work into loving the 2020 update of my body. Weight gain seems to happen all of a sudden. It feels like one day I looked one way, and the next day, something was different. Which I wasn’t comfortable with at first. I avoided sex and even bristled when my wife hugged me, fearing that she could feel my fanny pack — meaning the pouch of extra me that had seemingly strapped itself to my midsection. But in time, I arrived at an understanding.

A happy agreement between my body, and my mind

I decided that I like having sex with my wife and eating whatever the hell I want more than I like hating my body. I decided to try not to distance myself from the life I want to live. Yeah, I have a little more weight now. But I can lose weight if I want to and if I decide it’s important to me.

What I can’t do is risk losing my wife by pushing her away continuously. What I refuse to do is sacrifice my energy hating my body. It’s the only one I’ll ever have and it’s stuck by me since I was a baby and my mom helped me into a pair of jeans for the very first time.

I want you to be at peace and show yourselves the same level of kindness you’d show to anyone else. It can be easy to stress out over just about anything, including body image. Try to fight against that tendency. Try not to stress. And I’ll keep trying too.

Kelly McClure is a writer who has written for NY Magazine, GQ, The Hairpin, Rolling Stone, and more. Find more of her work here.

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Do You Have a Celeb BFF You've Never Met? You May Be in a Parasocial Relationship

If you’ve ever had the sense that a certain celebrity is your best friend or found yourself grieving the death of a public figure you’ve never met, you’re part of a one-sided bond known as a parasocial relationship.

Coined in 1956, the term predates the early-2000s rise of celebrity culture and the subsequent age of social media influencers. It describes the “seeming face-to-face relationship between spectator and performer.” 

Parasocial relationships, or PSRs, have in a way become the lifeblood of the modern media landscape, from entertainment to sports to politics. Public figures, influencers, and other content creators literally profit from a combination of being both irresistibly accessible and oh-so-relatable. 

When taken to extremes, parasocial relationships manifest in toxic celebrity stan culture or blind worship of a public figure. Figures with a cult of personality and a strong personal brand drive an almost unhealthy level of fixation.

But the overall outlook on PSRs shouldn’t be completely tainted. In a 2018 study, psychology researchers looked at whether PSRs could help people satisfy their need for belonging. They found that Twitter use could help those who “experience chronic ostracism” meet social needs.

Parasocial bonds affect us all, and how well we manage them has consequences for ourselves, our IRL relationships, and the world at large.

If you’re wondering how you can streamline your ties to public figures, here’s a licensed therapist-approved five-step guide to identifying PSRs and ending toxic ones.

Illustration by Brittany England

Examine your social media and content diet

Though it may sound daunting, KonMari-ing your PSRs might require you to do an audit of how you consume content.

Start your examination in these areas:

• influencers you follow on social media
• gamers you follow on streaming platforms like Twitch
• celebrities and other public figures whose news coverage you follow
• YouTubers and other video content creators you follow
• athletes, artists, and performers whose careers you follow
• podcasts you listen to 
• self-help and inspirational coaches (yes, even Instagram therapists)

Even emotions evoked by the deaths of notable figures like Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg are considered parasocial interactions — micro PSR interactions that might give you pause during this self-examination.

“We know it’s possible to grieve people that we didn’t even know,” says licensed therapist Barbara Shabazz. “We spend so much time following them, we feel like we know them. We get invested in their journeys and stories. The psychological effects can really be the same [as in our real-life relationships].” 

Depending on who you are and how you spend your time, this process of accounting for your content consumption might look different.

Identify your key PSRs with introspective questions

Analysis of your content and social media consumption will likely start to reveal notable figures you gravitate toward. Shabazz recommends writing a list of qualities you can identify in them.

“Ask yourself, how do these people’s goals and values align with yours? Because so much of this is distraction,” she says. “We get lost in this rabbit hole that we go down. A lot of it involves comparison. When we’re being distracted we’re not focusing on working towards our values and our goals, which is huge in this.” 

Her advice, however, hangs on the notion that you’ve already begun examining yourself with the initial, lifelong question “Who am I?” In her work with clients, Shabazz primarily helps them discern their specific goals and values. She has found that people’s unhealthy social media-driven obsessions with others can distract them from their own mental health and personal growth journeys.

Natalie Jeung, a licensed therapist with Skylight Counseling in Chicago, says one of the first questions to ask yourself is “What does this relationship mean to me?” Jeung’s clients, many of whom are avid gamers, find themselves invested to the point of devastation when video game streamers they idolize are outed as perpetrators of crimes. 

As a follow-up, Jeung hypothetically asks, “What is this fulfilling? Are you infatuated with their life, or is this person a role model, or is there drama with this person? What is this relationship doing for you, and what is it about this person that you’re captivated by?”

Assess the health of your PSRs

To assess whether these parasocial bonds are healthy and beneficial, Jeung recommends further honest examination of how much time and emotional investment you’re putting into your PSRs. For example, she says, if your ability to do work is being impaired, that’s an obvious red flag. 

“One of the most unhealthy things we might experience with parasocial relationships is that we believe they’re our friends and we know them on a deep level,” Jeung says. “On social media, it’s easy to think we know every aspect of someone’s life. How much are you grounded in reality in that aspect?”

Questions to test your PSR health:

1. How much of my time am I pouring into this relationship, and what is the energy behind it?
2. Am I distraught when things happen to this person?
3. Do I get upset when others criticize this person?
4. What fantasies do I have about this relationship?

Once you’ve asked yourself these questions, some obvious red flags might appear immediately, or it might take time for these realizations to come to light.

Break up with your toxic PSRs

To successfully end a toxic PSR, Shabazz recommends first deciding how much you want to continue to engage with a figure and then building new boundaries. This could start with something as simple as setting screen time limits or deleting certain apps.

In general, she recommends reducing the overall amount of time spent focusing on other people’s lives — even when the urge to compare feels irresistible.

“With the comparison piece, of course we’re human and want to belong,” Shabazz says. “I always remind my clients when we do look to other people, we should look to them for inspiration and identification but not comparison.”

Jeung says the most tangible approach is to unfollow a person altogether, but not haphazardly. 

“It’s a good thing to check in with yourself, especially emotionally, as you begin the breaking-up process,” she notes. “I think it’s easy for us to cut someone off and never think about it again, but we end up finding those relationships in other people.”

Explicitly acknowledging how you’re feeling without this type of relationship in your life might be helpful in the grieving and acceptance process. PSRs mirror patterns of behavior in IRL relationships, and a person’s unacknowledged patterns are likely to emerge without direct self-awareness.

Continue the accountability process

After streamlining your PSRs, keep yourself accountable with regular check-ins, possibly on a biweekly or monthly basis.

“You have to decide how much of a balance you want,” says Shabazz. “You have to have enough information to understand what’s going on and be in reality, but you also don’t want to be consuming so much that it ends up being a point of angst, depression, and worry.”

“I like to say energy goes where intention flows. We have to be very mindful of what we’re focusing on. It’s easy to just get caught up. [By making something] bigger than we originally want it to be, we can kind of cheat ourselves out of our personal purpose.”

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Travel Constipation Got Your Vacay Backed Up? Here’s How to Find Relief

Getting away for a little vacation always feels good. Except, uh, to your gut where the literal crappiness of travel constipation can bring your good vibes to a halt.

It goes without saying that this kind of cloggage can seriously cramp your holiday. So what can you do about it? Here’s why skipping town always seems to plug up your pipes — and how to stop vacation constipation once and for all.

Paloma Rincon Studio/Getty Images

Why do you get constipated while traveling anyways?

Basically, your GI tract is sensitive to change. Lots of little things can throw your system out of sync, and traveling tends to involve a lot of them all at once. That can create a perfect storm for poop problems.

Case in point? All of these are common constipation culprits:

• Not eating enough fiber. Like trading your usual oatmeal or smoothie for decadent brunch pastries or having a burger for lunch instead of your usual salad.
• Not drinking enough water. It’s easy to forget to sip when you’re out and about. Both flying and drinking lots of alcohol can make you dehydrated too.
• Changing up your schedule. A different daily routine or jetlag can both disrupt your usual bathroom timing.
• Sitting for long periods or not getting enough exercise. Not moving around — like when you’re stuck in the car or on a plane or just vegging out by the pool for hours — can definitely gum up the works.
• Putting off a trip to the bathroom when you do have to go. When you don’t feel like waiting in line for the airplane bathroom or trying to find a decent public restroom, your poop shute pays the price.

How to avoid constipation during travel (especially after flying)

Don’t worry, you’re not doomed to have constant constipation during travel. The key is taking preventive pro-poop measures, starting with your flight or long drive. Some smooth sailing (er, flying) strategies to try:

Pack fiber-rich foods

Fruits like berries, peaches, apricots, plums, and raisins are an especially good choice. In addition to fiber, they’ve got natural sugars like fructose to stimulate a BM. Plus they’re super portable.

Other high-fiber snacks that are travel-friendly: Nuts, seeds, granola, hummus with whole grain crackers, and popcorn. Just try not to overdo it by eating way more fiber than you usually do, since overloading your system can actually trigger constipation problems.

Drink plenty of water

Good ol’ H₂O keeps digested food moving through your pipes to ensure a smooth, easy exit. Obv, you should be aiming to guzzle lots of liquid every day, but it’s especially important when you’re flying, since plane rides are major dehydrators.

Keep moving

Lack of exercise is a major plugger-upper. If you can’t get your usual workout in, at least try not to sit for too long. Stroll around the airport before your flight, take a few standing breaks while you’re in the air, and plan for a nice long walk after you land.

Try probiotics

Snack on yogurt containing live active cultures including Bifidobacterium, or pop a probiotic with the same good-for-you bugs. Some findings suggest these good bacteria can boost your bowel movements and make them easier to pass.

Limit the coffee and booze

Skip the in-flight java, wine, or cocktails. Both caffeine and alcohol can have a dehydrating effect, which you definitely don’t need when it comes to pooping.

Preventing jet lag constipation

Landing in a new time zone doesn’t just mess with your body’s sleep-wake cycle. It can also send your organs and digestive system into a tailspin and cause issues in the pooping department.

Taking some preventive steps to minimize jet lag means you’ll have more energy during the first few days of your trip — and are less likely to be plagued by “pipe” problems.

• Start adjusting ahead of time. Move meals and sleep closer to your new time zone over the course of a few days. Bump bedtime up by half an hour or so each night if you’re traveling east; do the opposite if you’re traveling west.
• Time your flight right and dive right into your new zone. Aim to arrive at your destination early in the evening and try to stay up until 10:00 p.m. If you get there earlier and are totally zonked, it’s ok to take a short nap. Just keep it under 2 hours.
• Get some sunlight. Exposure to daylight will help regulate your body’s clock quicker, so spend time outdoors.
• Skip the caffeine and alcohol near bedtime. Both will mess with your sleep and further exacerbate the jet lag.
• Avoid exercising near bedtime. Again, it’s sometimes another thing that might make it harder to doze off when you need to.
• Use earplugs and an eye mask to get some rest. They’ll block out noise and light when you need to sleep, so you can get the rest you need and get on schedule faster.

How to poop on vacation

Despite your best efforts to avoid travel constipation, you might still find yourself in a bowel battle while you’re traveling. You can still score a deuce if you play your cards right. Here’s your game plan.

Try to eat at your usual times

That whole thing about your GI tract having its own little schedule? Keeping to your typical mealtimes can support that and keep your system from getting stuck. You don’t have to be a total stickler, but if you usually eat dinner at 6:00 p.m., try not to plan a week’s worth of super late reservations.

Don’t indulge 24/7

Food’s part of the fun when you’re traveling, obviously, but try to keep some balance. Too much rich, fatty fare will clog you up, so try to stick with one treat meal or snack each day instead of going all out, all the time.

Have a warm drink when you wake up

Hot drinks seem to get things moving. Since caffeine can have the same effect, we’d def suggest making time for a cuppa joe first thing in the morning. (Just don’t overdo it on the coffee, since it can still be dehydrating, which could make constipation worse.)

Plan for bathroom breaks (and listen to your gut)

Sometimes a BM takes time, so even if you’ve got a busy schedule, make sure you’re giving yourself time to sit and go. And if the urge to poop strikes, find a bathroom ASAP. Holding it in only exacerbates the blockage problem.

Again, STAY HYDRATED

No matter what your plans are for the day, keep drinking plenty of water and go easy on the booze. When you drink, down a glass of water for every alcoholic beverage. (Bonus: This will also reduce your chance of getting a hangover.) 

Move it to lose it

Physical activity keeps those GI juices flowing, so make sure you’re getting some exercise every day. (Splashing in the pool, playing volleyball on the beach, and dancing til the wee hours all count.)

Don’t spend the whole time stressing 

Feeling anxious about pooping will only plug you up more, so try not to think about it too much. Your body will do its thing in due time. And if it seems like that’s not happening, you can bring in the big guns.

When it’s time to turn to travel laxatives

If all your constipation relief efforts aren’t cutting it, over-the-counter (OTC) laxatives can help. But since these poop producers can have side effects, it’s worth getting the green light from your doc before popping one. Depending on your situation, your doc might recommend:

• Stimulant laxatives. Options like Ex-Lax cause the walls of your intestine to contract and make you poop. Oral ones work within 6 to 8 hours and suppositories work within an hour.
• Osmotic laxatives, softners, and fiber supplements. Options like Milk of Magnesia, Miralax, Dulcolax, Benefiber, and Metamucil add extra water and bulk into your stool to make it easier to pass. They can take 12 hours to a few days to work, and you should drink a lot of water with them.

When should you see a doc about vacation constipation?

If your poop probs have gone on for more than 3 days or you’re super bloated, nauseous, or uncomfortable, check in with your doc to see what they recommend.

And definitely seek help for bigger red flags, like constipation with:

• bloody stool
• vomiting
• fever
• low back pain
• unintended weight loss
• inability to pass gas

The bottom line on a backed up behind

Traveling can create a perfect storm for constipation, especially when you’re flying to a new time zone. But you can beat the backup by prepping ahead of time and taking steps to keep up a healthy(ish) routine on your vacation.

And if the problem persists for more than 3 days, touch base with your doc. They may suggest laxatives or find that something else is going on in your bowels.

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