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10 Awesome, Surprising Ways to Make Your Sex Life Way Better
Look, your sex life is probably really pretty good... but it can be fun to try something new, and while porn can be great for you, most of the sex positions you see professionals engage in can feel more like they fit into the circus than the bedroom. Or maybe you're just that couple who has a great sex life, but you want to add a little spice every now and then to test your boundaries.
So, how do we take what's already pretty great and make it even better? The key is variation—routine and monotony is a one-way ticket to boredom, no matter what you're up to (or how great it can be).
1. Take things out of the bedroom.
"I think the most important thing to continuously elevating your sex life is to make it unpredictable and less routine," says Daizha Morgann, a popular adult film star. Trying somewhere in your house that feels new can provide a rush you won't be expecting. "I highly recommend bathroom sex; all the mirrors are a major turn-on, and you can utilize sitting on the counter to let your partner go deeper than ever before," Morgann says.
2. Don't get undressed.
Whether you're more inclined to wear a necktie or a pair of heels, wearing just an article (or three) of clothing can add another dynamic. "Your partner may not appreciate it, but if it turns you on, keep them on," says Sherry Gaba, LCSW, author of The Marriage and Relationship Junkie: Kicking Your Obsession.
3. Listen to porn (without watching).
This is one of the best ways to learn how to dirty talk! Turn on a talk-heavy porn and turn the screen around… then turn off the lights. Now you and your partner will just repeat after the actors.
"This gives you permission to say dirty, nasty, limit-pushing things that you never had the courage or inclination to say before," says Laurel House, dating coach and resident sex expert of My First Blush. "But once you get those words in your ear and hear them come out of your mouth, you've broken that barrier, and you can now introduce them into your regular routine."
4. Slow things down.
Remember when we were teenagers and making out for hours was the sexiest thing ever? "Slow things down and spend a lot of time kissing, petting, and enjoying lots of foreplay like you did when you were teenagers—before you finally move into sex," Gaba says. Slowing things down can build up a lot of anticipation, draw things out, and make the reward worth it.
5. Plan one super-sexy evening.
"Watch some adult videos or read an erotic book to get your minds wandering," Morgann says. "I guarantee it will help you come up with new positions and ideas." Then break out a new toy or two. "Experimenting with new sex toys and role play is a surefire way to blow both of your minds! It's imperative to keep your sex life feeling spicy, exciting, and spontaneous—and that's how you can make your sex life better and better," Morgann says.
6. Never overlook the value of a hotel room.
Kathryn Smerling, Ph.D., marriage and family therapist with Upper East Side Family Therapy, says all couples must change up the scenery once in a while. "I once recommended to a young couple in their late 20s who were going through a sex rut to take a 'staycation' at a fun, local hotel," she says. "A little break from the routine of their home went a long way, and they didn't even have to travel anywhere to get that reprieve!"
Or if you don't want to splurge, try just changing up the time of day. "Do you always have sex at night?" Smerling asks. "Try surprising your partner in the morning one day, and you'll both notice the difference, I promise you."
7. Put on a peep show.
Approach your partner fresh out of the shower, wearing only a towel—then tell them that you want them to watch. "Show them the foreplay you crave by trailing your fingertips over your body, teasing your favorite areas of stimulation," says psychologist, relationship expert, and sexpert Antonia Hall, M.A., author of The Ultimate Guide to a Multi-Orgasmic Life.
"Then let the tease continue by making it their turn to show and tell," Hall says. "This can not only heat things up fast, it opens space for discussing desires and showing exactly how you like to be touched."
8. Take the connection deeper via tantra.
While tantra can conjure images of impossible demands (like hours and hours of sex), the practices detailed are actually an incredible way to reconnect with your partner and find more pleasure than either of you dreamed possible.
"The techniques are tried-and-true for thousands of years," Hall says. "It's about connecting more deeply with your partner and tapping into your body's pleasure possibilities through breath, eye contact, and energy work that can allow for mind-bending, full-body orgasms." Now that'll amp up your sex life for a lifetime!
9. Restore the element of surprise.
Another key to hotter sex is spontaneity—like getting naked in the kitchen right after work or leaving an event for a quickie and then coming back. "Try sending your partner flowers for no reason, cooking when usually your partner does all the cooking, or whispering in your partner's ear that you're not wearing underwear," Gaba says.
10. Let strangers watch.
There's a naughty, exciting element to having sex in clear view of a stranger's eye—and that doesn't mean it has to be illegal or dangerous, either. Push up against a hotel window, the kind with see-through glass—and wear Eyes Wide Shut-style masks if you want to hide your identity. "Knowing that eyes might be seeing and therefore minds fantasizing is a huge turn on," House says. "And still, you're safe in your room where you can then go lay down on the bed and finish (if you haven't already)!"
Aly Walansky is a New York-based lifestyles writer. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter @alywalansky.
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Do Those Hair, Skin, and Nails Supplements Really Work?
We all know that a protein-packed salad is a better lunch option than a basket of fries—our bodies need the nutrients found in fresh, whole ingredients for cell regeneration and general health, after all. But, for real, it's pretty often we promise ourselves a smoothie tomorrow in exchange for the drive-thru today—so much so that many Americans are vitamin-deficient without even realizing it.
Those deficiencies can make themselves known in sneaky ways: brittle nails, dull skin, thinner hair... and the booming dietary supplement industry promises magic pills that can refill our depleted vitamin tanks. But what are those "hair, skin, and nails supplements" composed of, anyway? And do they really make a difference?
What's in those supplements?
These supplements are supposed to do just that: supplement the vitamins, minerals, and fatty acids we get from our diets to keep hair, skin, and nails healthy. Most supplements meant to stimulate hair and nail growth or brighten and clear skin contain some combination of biotin, fish oil, and Vitamins A, C, and E.
How do they work?
According to Michele Green, M.D., of RealSelf, the ingredients in supplements all work in conjunction with one another to provide the nutrients essential for healthy cell regeneration.
"Biotin strengthens the hair and increases its density," Green says. "Fish oil makes hair and nails shiny and is a great anti-aging supplement, as the omega oils found in fish oil stimulate collagen production and overall appearance of the skin."
According to Green, Vitamin A, much like its synthetic counterpart, isotretinoin, or Retin-A, can help to treat acne and reduce fine lines. "Vitamin A, taken orally, reduces sebum production, which is great if you suffer from acne. The reduction of sebum reduces acne flares, and it is also anti-aging due to its ability to stimulate cell turnover," Green says.
"Vitamin C is an antioxidant, which helps us fight free radicals, brightens the skin, and stimulates collagen production," Green says. "And vitamin E is an anti-inflammatory and also helps with cell turnover."
Supplements are great—for some people.
But if supplements were such a cure-all, wouldn't everyone be taking them? In reality, supplements have been proven to work, but only for people with health concerns that interfere with their ability to absorb nutrients.
Supplemental biotin was recently found to be effective for hair and nail regrowth in a study of 18 different cases, but all of the patients using biotin had an "underlying pathology" for damaged hair and nails. The study concluded that biotin might not be effective for people without medical conditions causing hair and nail breakage.
Another use for biotin could be clearing discolored toenails. If your toenails are yellowish for no good reason, like fungus, supplements might be the answer, according to New York podiatrist, Bruce Pinker, DPM, PC.
"When toenail biopsy results are negative for fungus, yeast, or mold (the three elements we look for in toenails that are discolored), we recommend biotin supplementation to improve the appearance of the toenails," Pinker says. "I normally recommend 2,500 micrograms a day of biotin for about three months to improve the appearance of toenails. It's effective and can also be taken as 5,000 micrograms a day since it’s more commonly found in this dosage."
Recent studies have also found fish oil to be effective in treating keloid scars, while topical Vitamin A has been used for years to treat acne. And there's some evidence to support the idea that even non-prescription topical solutions can reduce hyperpigmentation and fine lines.
But when it comes to oral supplements for healthy people who are just looking for longer nails or thicker hair, the overwhelming medical opinion seems to be a resounding, "Who knows?"
Make sure you're getting what you pay for.
Since there's no evidence that supplements are actively bad for hair, skin, and nails, not to mention the evidence that they've helped at least a few people, supplements are probably worth a shot if you're interested in them. One word of caution: Since supplements aren't heavily regulated by the FDA, it's entirely possible to purchase snake oil instead of fish oil, so it's important to be discerning when shopping for supplements.
"Shopping for vitamins can be tricky," Green says. "You want to be sure the label says they're 100 percent natural and list all-natural ingredients with no synthetic fillers."
And for those who hate the idea of taking a bunch of pills every morning, Green says gummy options are a fine alternative—as long as you're taking them before you brush. "The nutritional value of gummy vitamins includes Vitamin D, C, E, and A, along with B vitamins and iodine.
Gummy vitamins do contain gelatin and glucose syrup, but as long as you take the recommended dose, those things shouldn't be harmful to your body. Simply make sure to brush your teeth shortly after taking them, so the sugar doesn't sit on your teeth for long periods of time."
And if you decide to start a supplement routine, stick with it—most people don't see results for three to four months.
Emily Alford lives in Brooklyn, NY, and writes about beauty, food, and TV. Sometimes all at once. Follow her on Twitter @AlfordAlice.
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An Unexpectedly Awesome Side Effect of Not Drinking
Last week, a professional chef invited me to his house for dinner—a six-course meal that included homemade pork sausages, beef meatballs, lamb, spinach risotto, ravioli, a cheese board, and a three-tiered coconut cake. The chef marveled at how much food I could put away. "How can you eat this much and stay so svelte?" he inquired, as I served myself a third lamb chop. The answer came as soon as he asked me if I'd care for a glass of wine. "No, thank you," I said. "I don't drink."
When I cut alcohol out of my diet last year, I never expected my weight loss to be this drastic. I imagined that I might shed a pound or two, but as I usually only drank once a week, I figured that the impact those Friday night sessions had on my waistline must be fairly limited. However, six months have gone by, and I'm 10 pounds lighter and down a dress size.
Friends constantly ask for my "secret," my diet, the name of my Spin instructor. When I tell them I simply gave up gin and tonics, they look at me askance. Look, I tried dieting, I trained as a circus aerialist, and I did a 90-day yoga challenge, but nothing has been as impactful as simply not drinking alcohol.
I knew my relationship with alcohol had become a problem last summer. I never drank every day or even every other day—it wasn't the frequency of my drinking that worried me, it was my reaction to it. When I took that first sip of my long-awaited Friday night gin and tonic, I felt this huge surge of relief, like the long exhale you make as you sink into the sofa after a long day. The muscles in my face relaxed, a smile broke out on my face, and I could let go of all of my problems for as long as my drinking session lasted.
Drinking lowers your inhibitions and allows you to make all the bad choices you want. "I was drunk!" you joke the next day when you wake up in a full face of makeup, holding a honey mustard-smeared chicken tender.
Like many other millennials, I deal with a lot of career frustration and stress. I send job applications out into the world every week and only occasionally hear anything back. It's like shouting into the Grand Canyon: Is anybody out there… there… there? When a reply does ping into my inbox, I open the email warily, waiting for the point in the message that explains there's no money attached to the project, but it will be "great exposure." Of course, not only does exposure not pay the rent, you can die from exposure. But drinking allowed me an off-switch from thinking about my career—it was an easy (albeit unhealthy) fix.
I've also found that my head is constantly planted in the future—I have a hard time living in the present. But when you go to the bar or dive into that post-booze delivery pizza, I guarantee you, you are present. You aren't thinking about the past (and all your mistakes), and you're not thinking about the future (if you were, you might consider the pain of the impending hangover). No, you are only focused on the moment at hand.
When I realized that I was living in the present when I drank, I started to explore how I could use the idea of being present to actually aid my sobriety. If I could stay in the moment day-to-day—instead of storing up all of my problems and then releasing them in a drinking binge (and maybe subsequent eating binge)—I could work through them as they arose, chipping away at my issues piece by piece, rather than letting things get out of control until it all felt unmanageable.
Presence of mind was the key, as it turned out. I learned how to take a breath and consider what I was about to do. It sounds so simple, but if you just take a moment to think about whether or not you need to drink or eat a huge slice of pie right now, your choices may change. Sobriety clears your mind and allows you to react more calmly, with compassion for yourself and others. Curious to try it out for yourself? Here's what to do—and expect.
1. Tell your friends (or they might think you're avoiding them, not booze).
Drinking is woven into almost every social activity. When I made the decision to embrace sobriety, I ended up turning down a lot of events that I knew were going to be big boozefests—I missed my friend's band performing and skipped Friday night cocktails. Soon, I began to feel lonely. I hated missing out. Plus, I was keeping a secret from my friends.
So tell the people you're close to. You don't have to say you're doing this forever, and you don't have to admit to being a raging alcoholic, but let them know that you're taking some time off from drinking. Start with baby steps, because small steps are easy for everyone to accept. If you and your friends think this no-alcohol rule is only a short-term thing, it will be easier for everyone to get on board.
If you decide to continue with your sobriety, you can do it incrementally, maybe another week, maybe a month... and soon you'll just be the friend who doesn't drink. No big deal.
2. The sugar cravings will surprise you.
I've never had a sweet tooth—cheese has always been my food vice of choice—but when I stopped drinking, I suddenly experienced severe sugar cravings. Alcohol contains plenty of sugar, but more than that, drink mixers are often off-the-charts sweet.
Bearing in mind that your recommended daily sugar intake is about 50 grams max, learning that a single vodka-and-cranberry juice can contain 30 grams of sugar is a little devastating… and let's face it, who is just drinking one of these on a night out? I thought I didn't have a sweet tooth, but in reality, I had a big one—it was just being satisfied by gin and tonics, not cupcakes.
Sugar affects the brain by raising dopamine levels, the same chemical that is released when we drink alcohol. Dopamine is often referred to as the "reward chemical" because it creates feelings of well-being, so when you stop drinking, your brain is suddenly depleted of this feeling and seeks it elsewhere.
Personally, I don’t think you should worry too much about this sudden desire for sugar—in my experience, indulging a little bit can be good for you. Be gentle with yourself and eat the occasional cookie, if it helps you. I eat a reasonably healthy diet, and my sugar imbalance sorted itself out in about a week, although this could take longer depending on how much you drank and your fondness for the sweet stuff.
3. Don't be shocked if you feel some pushback.
When I told one of my friends that I wasn't drinking via a text message, I didn't hear back from her for over a week. When she did reappear, she explained she found this news hard to digest as it made her question her own choices with regards to drinking. This is not uncommon. Whenever you make a lifestyle choice for your benefit, it can hold up a mirror to other people's choices.
I remember when a friend told me she was becoming a vegan, my initial reaction was to mock her and roll my eyes... but then I considered why I reacted that way. Why should I care what she chooses to put in her body? It dawned on me that her choice to avoid meat and dairy was shining a light on the foods I chose to consume. I had responded to poorly to her choice because I felt it reflected badly on me.
So I encourage you to allow people time to deal with their own feelings about drinking. Any bad response you receive has less to do with you than what's going on with them.
4. Don't expect immediate results, but do expect results.
After about two months of not drinking, I had maybe shifted a pound or two. Not exactly startling progress, but after six months, 10 pounds had come off, and I had no idea how this had happened. I had changed nothing about my diet—I ate what I wanted, when I wanted, and exercised solely by walking to the subway. To put it bluntly, I didn't do s**t for this weight loss. Well, except that I'd stopped drinking.
5. The phrase "drunk food" will no longer be in your vocabulary.
I said that I hadn't changed my diet, and I hadn't—not in a conscious way, at any rate. But by not drinking, I had removed a part of my diet that I shamefully call my "drunk food." I'm referring, of course, to that delicious burrito you eat on your way home from the bar (the 1,000-calorie one) and the hungover breakfast you make for yourself the next day.
Then there's the Sunday brunch that lasts hours, packed with Bloody Marys, French toast, eggs Benedict, etc. Without a hangover to constantly mop up, your diet just naturally improves. Yes, fried foods can still be a fun indulgence, but they don't become a medical necessity to get you through a Sunday.
6. You’ll sleep like a baby.
We know that a glass of wine can help you drift off, but drinking often leads to poorer-quality sleep. When you stop drinking, your sleep drastically improves. For one thing, you're more likely to get into a regular sleep schedule. In my drinking days, I would be in bed by 10 p.m. on weeknights, but when I went out drinking, bedtime could become 1 a.m… 2 a.m… 3 a.m... It disrupted my cycle for the entire weekend and left my Monday mornings feeling like a real slog. Without this disruption, I wake up feeling refreshed and I can tell you I haven't once woken up and thought, Gee, I wish I'd had some drinks last night.
7. Stop meeting at the bar and go for coffee.
A simple concept in theory, unbelievably hard in practice. I knew that if I joined my friends at a bar, I would end up drinking. It really is no fun being the only sober friend sipping a seltzer while your friends pound tequila shots. I had to remove myself from those situations, but I didn't want to become a Miss Havisham-style recluse.
My answer to this was to move my socializing to the daytime. When anyone suggested that we grab a drink, I countered with, "I can't make it Friday night, but how about coffee on a Saturday?" You will need to rearrange your life somewhat, but what you lose in drunken karaoke, you make up for with sober, genuine conversation.
8. If you love food, this is the diet for you.
I've never been a dieter. I simply love to eat and I couldn't imagine not enjoying a well-balanced diet. A typical day's meals for me are scrambled eggs with plenty of cheese and toast for breakfast, a turkey and avocado sandwich for lunch, and pasta for dinner. Maybe a slice of pie works its way in there somewhere. I eat what I feel like eating, and still the weight comes off. It's a dream!
9. Meditation can help.
With so much uncertainty in our lives, it's only natural to worry about the future—and feeling unsure about the future can lead to carelessness in the present. Though times may seem tough, if you stay present in the moment, you can realize that the future is not all laid out in front of you like some inevitable path, but in fact, is yours to create. By changing your thinking about the future, you take back control. So start right now.
Whenever you make a lifestyle choice for your benefit, it can hold up a mirror to other people's choices.
Meditation is something that can help with this. By taking time to sit with your thoughts for five minutes, you're giving yourself room to consider what it is you are about to do. If I feel that "f*ck-it" mindset approaching and wonder Why not just go out and get drunk, it's all a mess anyway? I take a moment to sit with it. By the time the meditation app rings its little chime, the impulse has passed, and a better decision has presented itself.
10. Don't take it all too seriously.
Someone said to me recently that if I had combined my not drinking with a diet and exercise makeover, my body would be bangin' right now. My answer was "Not drinking is hard enough." While diet and exercise are clearly important when it comes to keeping your weight in check—and being healthy—I find it's just too much pressure all at once. If I stopped drinking, went vegan, and started boxercise at the same time, I guarantee you that within a week, I would have freaked out, felt overwhelmed, and fallen into bed with a box of mozzarella sticks.
Be kind to yourself. If you want to see gradual weight loss that feels easy, consider cutting alcohol out of your diet. When you feel on an even keel with this change, maybe then consider adding other lifestyle choices into your regimen. If you fall off the wagon and drink a glass of wine, don't beat yourself up. You do not need to be perfect—all you need is to be willing.
Ruthie Darling is a British writer, photographer and theatre artist based in Brooklyn. She once shared a stage with Sting and played it totally cool. You can find more of her work on ruthiedarlingblog.com and Instagram @ruthiedarling.
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5 Steps to See Any Goal Through to the End
Starting a new project can you give you a temporary high. Whether you're working on achieving a new level of fitness, trying out a hobby, building a relationship, or starting a new semester in school, the beginning of something new is always exciting. You feel basically invincible.
But then come the actual tasks that are going to lead you, step-by-step, to your goals… and soon, they get harder and less shiny. It's not long before there are times when you just want to give up. If you’re starting to give yourself excuses—"Oh, I can't find the time," "I'm trying too many things, and it's overwhelming," "I'm not immediately good at this!"—then don't worry, I've got your back. Here are five hacks anyone can use to break through to the next level:
1. Wake up and do the thing.
Playing the "I don't have time" card? Then do your task as soon as you wake up in the morning. That first hour after waking is the time your mind and body are most ready to tune into bigger possibilities. When you focus on your goals early, you'll feel more set up for the day.
Begin by making your morning time a non-negotiable, and make it easy for yourself by deciding you're not going to check your email or social media accounts for the first 60 minutes of your day. This means you won't spend your day feeling like you're being sucked into other people's agendas. Rather, you'll start your day with intention and make your dreams a priority.
Instead of scrolling through Facebook first thing, take out a piece of paper and write down:
- The project you want to work on today
- One person you want to reach out to today
- One task that can bring you closer to achieving your dreams
Do this each day before you start checking your inbox and you'll find yourself being more strategic and proactive—rather than reactive and distracted.
2. Think big.
When you're focused on the immediate task you're committed to that day, it can feel like a total drag. Some days it's just so hard to hit the workout mat, prep that green smoothie, or sit your butt down to complete that next module of coursework. So when you're lacking motivation, focus on the bigger picture: Remind yourself of what you’re trying to achieve, what your longer-term goal is, and how good you're going to feel when you get there!
When you shift your focus to the bigger picture of why you're doing what you're doing, you'll feel much more motivated—and more likely to stick with your commitment.
3. Work slow and steady.
Sometimes we find ourselves doing so well that we want to put our progress on fast-forward by adding on even more. On some level, it makes sense—let's say you've decided to give the Paleo diet a go. But when you combine that with intermittent fasting, suddenly starting HIIT workouts, and going for a promotion at work... it all becomes too much. When we make too many changes all at once, we end up setting ourselves up to get overwhelmed. This can make us want to quit faster than if we'd stuck to going slow and steady, and taking things step-by-step.
Instead of going all-in on several projects at once, recommit to a couple of changes, give them all you have, and then, when you're feeling solid with those results, try the next one.
4. Give yourself space.
If you've hit a plateau and it feels like you're not getting anywhere, take a break. Give yourself some time to recognize the progress you've already made and allow the new things you've been learning to sink in. Sometimes these ideas just need a little time to marinate and bubble back up to the surface of your conscious mind.
And when I say "take a break," I don't mean "go stare at your phone for 30 minutes." I mean get out into nature and leave your devices behind. Exposure to nature has actually been demonstrated to help increase satisfaction, well-being, and relaxation.
5. Visualize achieving your goals.
Of course, I still struggle with achieving goals. But when it feels like there's no way forward with my current project, I think back to another ambitious undertaking I thought I just couldn't finish—my college thesis.
I had this deep, sinking feeling, with only few weeks left to go, upon seeing my research still strewn all over my parents' dining room table. I knew the critical points were all outlined in there, but I still had to write the thing!
The turning point, for me, was when I envisioned my thesis completed. Each morning and evening—and every free moment in-between—I began visualizing what it would feel like when I could hold the finished document in my hands and walk onto campus with it. I imagined how good it would feel, seeing each of my chapters appear on the screen—and the happy dance I'd be doing when polishing my conclusion.
Visualization is what got me into the flow-state to actually write my thesis…. and the magical "First-Class Honors" result that followed. When you think you want to give up on that task in front of you, you can do the same thing: Envision your project completed and whole. Feel into the magic of what that feels like and let that vision guide you.
Emma Bathie is a health and happiness coach and writer. Learn more about her work here.
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