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A Super-Handy Guide to Sex Toys for Everybody
These days, the world of sex toys has become increasingly accessible. If you're looking for discretion, your new favorite toy can arrive in an inconspicuous cardboard box at your doorstep, or if you want that in-store, uh, hands-on experience, the new wave of sex toy shops are the opposite of creepy—they're known for having inviting, welcoming atmospheres; knowledgeable staff; and workshops that can help you take your sex life to the next level.
There's also been a lot of sex toy-related innovation in recent years. Lately, it seems there's a toy to fit every unique and distinct desire, kink, and and all types of different bodies mixing, melding, and getting it on.
That's why we've put together this sex toy guide for literally everyone, whether you're straight, gay, bi, queer or something else, whether trans, cis, non-binary, or somewhere far and away from the gender spectrum. As a note, some of the words we use to describe genitals and other sexy bits here may not feel right for everyone, and it's a good idea to ask your boo, your date, or your one-night stand what terms they prefer. There's something out there for everybody (and we're here to help you find it).
Lubricant
It wasn't until my mid-20s that I finally graduated from the drugstore brand of Astroglide to a more sophisticated lube, and let me tell you, a good lube is well worth the investment. My personal recommendation is to use a water-based lube since it works for most uses, but you may also want to check out oil or silicone-based lubes depending on your preferences.
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Slippery Stuff. This is my lube of choice. They've got the balance of slickness just right, and it washes off super easily. Plus, as a water-based lube, it's safe to use with toys and condoms, and as a paraben and glycerin-free product, it won't upset your delicate balance of microflora (Read: it won't give you a yeast infection).
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Foria. This company offers a line of cannabis-infused lubricants and suppositories that you can get if you're in a state where recreational or medical marijuana is legal. They have both CBD- and THC-infused products that can greatly enhance penetration and reduce pain or discomfort.
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Lube shooters. These offer an easy, less messy way to get lubricant to hard-to-reach places, making penetration so much better.
Vibrators
Vibrators are probably the first thing you think of when it comes to sex toys. They're great for a solo session, but they're also awesome for playing with others as well.
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Hitachi. The Hitachi is the gold standard of vibrators... I mean um, "back massagers." The latest models include a wireless rechargeable option so you're not constrained by how close you are to an outlet, plus they feature four intensity settings and four vibration patterns, which means if the Hitachi was too much for you before (like it was for me), you should be able to find a setting that's suitable for you now. Bonus points: You can also grab a sleeve attachment like this, and attachments like these are available, as well.
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O-Boy. This little guy is a hands-free vibrator specially designed to stimulate the prostate—and uses a bullet vibrator to offer you seven different speeds. Use it solo or with a partner!
Partner Play
Sex toys aren't just for masturbating—they play well with others too! The following can help you make even more magic in the bedroom:
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We-Vibe. This powerful vibrator hooks to stimulate internally and externally. You can have penetrative sex with it as well, which is stimulating for both you and your partner. With the latest Plus version, you can get an app that allows your partner to control the vibrations remotely—even if they're thousands of miles away.
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PicoBong Transformer Double-Ended Vibrator. The Transformer is a flexible, bendable, double-ended vibrator that can be used solo or in tons of different positions with a partner. The vibrating bulbs on either end can be used for internal and external stimulation, making the possibilities almost endless.
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Feeldoe. This toy allows you to experience penetration while penetrating a partner and can be used with or without a harness. The bulb end provides intense G-spot stimulation, while the other end is a sleek dildo designed at a 45-degree angle to make penetration easier.
Harnesses
If you're planning to use a dildo or other toy and you want it attached to your body, you're going to want the right harness. Check these options out:
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Rodeoh. They offer a wide selection of brief and boxer-style harnesses for people of all genders. I like the products because some harnesses can end up being a tangle of straps and buckles that put a halt on sexy time. With these, you just put them on like any other underwear, and you're good to go.
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Spare Parts. If you dig the aesthetics of the strappy vibe, these harnesses are for you. They're well-built, sturdy, and come in a lot of varieties, including the Deuce, which allows folks with penises or external genitalia to also utilize a strap-on dildo, and the Pete, which makes packing easy for trans and non-binary folks.
Dildos
Dildos are great. I mean… what more could you want than something that can penetrate you but never gets soft? (Other than a vibe, of course.)
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VixSkin. This line of dildos has an incredibly realistic shape and feel due to its specially formulated silicone material. They come in a bunch of different sizes, shapes, and angles, so with a little research, you're sure to find the one that's just right for you.
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Njoy. They offer a line of smooth, heavy stainless steel dildos that come in unique shapes with different beads and bulbs that treat you to different types of stimulation than your typical penis-shaped dildo.
Butt Play
Butt play can be for everyone! If you've got a butt and you want to put things in it—or you want other people to put things in it—I say do it!
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Hisionlee's Butt Plug Kit. This is a great, inexpensive option for beginners, as it offers four silicone plugs of increasing size to help you train up. It also comes with lube and an enema bulb because, yes, you will probably want to clean things out a bit before you get to the anal stuff.
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Njoy Fun Wand. For those with a little more anal experience, the Fun Wand is a nicely weighted stainless-steel dildo with smooth, graduated beads. It can be used for G-spot penetration but works especially when inserted (and withdrawn) from your butt.
Toys for Trans Folks
Trans people who were assigned female at birth (AFAB) have distinct needs when it comes to sex toys. Those who take testosterone can experience growth of the clitoris, which can reach up to two or more inches in length—while some AFAB folks happen to be naturally "well-endowed." Strap-on harnesses are great for penetration, but if you're looking for something to use on you, I recommend this one:
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Shotpocket. I've used plenty of toys like this, and they're a godsend. They offer just the right suction and an amazing ribbed texture that's perfect for people like me. It feels really similar to getting a blow job, and you can use it solo or with a partner.
Trans people who were assigned male at birth (AMAB) also have unique needs and desires when it comes to sex as well, especially those who are on hormone therapy and are non- or pre-operative. Ana Valens had nothing but rave reviews for this vibrator:
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Le Wand. This vibrator is an improvement on the Hitachi, as it was designed as a sex toy, not just used as one by clever opportunists. Le Wand has a soft silicone tip, ten different intensity settings, and 20 vibration patterns that bring the deep vibrations you need to get off.
For post-operative trans women, Maddy McKenna made this awesome review of five different sex toys.
The suggestions we've made here are really just the tip… of the iceberg. There's a whole world of sex toys out there that can help you elevate your sex life to the next level. And while what we've explored here is generally pretty vanilla, the world of kink and BDSM has its own plethora of options for you to test out, if that's up your alley too.
And one last note: Remember, your body is perfect just as it is, no matter how you like to play.
KC Clements is a queer, non-binary writer based in Brooklyn, NY. You can find more work on their website or follow them @aminotfemme on Twitter and Instagram.
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20 Scientifically Approved Ways to Lose Weight Naturally
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I Lost 180 Pounds. Here's How I've Kept It Off for 10 Years
As far back as I can remember, I wanted to lose weight. A chubby girl perpetually teased by my classmates, I was put on my first diet at age 9 and grew into the fat teenager who curled up with a tray of brownies on prom night. Eventually, I became an obese adult who spent all her time in one of two ways: burying her pain with covert visits to the nearest drive-thru or trying to solve it all with the latest diet.
Such was my life until the day I stepped on the scale and learned my weight had climbed to 345 pounds. My reaction was equal parts disgust and despair, and I handled the news by retreating to the couch with chips and dip to watch Oprah. On that fateful day, nearly a decade ago now, she was devoting a show to weight-loss success stories. I'd seen plenty of before-and-after prototypes on The Oprah Winfrey Show in the past, but something about the combination of stepping on the scale and watching that particular episode set the wheels of change in motion.
Step by step, I began piecing my life together: I wasn't looking for speedy results that didn't last. Instead, I developed lasting changes I could live with long-term. I began listening to my body instead of berating it. I also knew it was time to listen to others—specifically, fitness experts and nutritionists. With some professional guidance coupled with my instincts, I forged a path to wellness, and dropped 180 pounds… and have kept it off for nearly 10 years. I'm living proof that it's possible!
There's no one easy, magic answer to keeping weight off; it's an overall lifestyle change. But here are some of the top strategies I used to make the positive changes permanent:
1. Put any experience as a "failed" dieter to use.
There is no such thing as failure, only learning. With this in mind, I knew it would be useful to take a look backward to assess the things that hindered permanent progress. At the top of the list: diets—especially restrictive ones. All they did was set me up for overeating in the long run. This time around, I knew it would have to be up to me, not a diet, to set guidelines with portion sizes and healthier food choices that I could live with long-term—and enjoy.
2. Learn the value of movement.
My motto around this one is, "You don't have to like it, you just have to do it." I used to spend eight hours at a desk, then head home for an evening on the couch with a remote control and a bag of potato chips. Yes, it's easier to take a seat than go for a walk or participate in a yoga class, but quite frankly, the price is too high: Not only does exercise burn fat and tone muscles, it's a fantastic stress buster!
And weight aside, keeping active is the best way I know of to hold back the hands of time. I know many seniors who exercise regularly and possess a youthful glow because of it. Regular exercise is crucial for keeping the weight off and feeling energetic—and it's great insurance for not needing a cane when you're in your golden years!
3. Negotiate fairly with yourself.
I used to tell myself, Eat whatever, whenever, as long as it tastes good—and after decades of deprivation and yo-yo dieting, this line felt empowering. But at my heaviest, my lack of boundaries with food had landed me in a not-entirely-metaphorical prison: The list of things I couldn't do because of my size was growing as large as I was, and my energy levels were nonexistent.
But since I knew that being too strict would end in disaster, I began a gentle negotiation process between the part of me who wanted free rein with food and the part of me who wanted her life back. So I chose one simple thing to work on in the beginning: eliminating my most damaging binge foods. Once I felt solid in the change, I began incorporating more whole foods into my day: fruits and vegetables; healthy carbs, like brown rice and quinoa; and clean protein such as eggs, fish, and nuts.
At the same time, it was crucial to have something to look forward to. When I really craved a cheeseburger, I had one—but minus the bun, fries, and sugary drink. The longer I ate this way, the more I enjoyed it. And I learned a major lesson: I didn't need fat-laden, processed foods to make me happy!
Binge-eating may have temporarily sedated me, but it did nothing to resolve the issues I was running from.
4. Stay aware of your choices.
No one gets to be 100 pounds overweight without some serious emotional baggage. I was the quintessential emotional eater, stuffing my feelings rather than expressing them—or even admitting them to myself. Getting emotionally honest with yourself may seem like a scary prospect, but I promise, it gets easier with practice. And it's an invaluable tool in keeping the weight off.
During the height of my eating days, I ate to distract myself from stress and other unpleasant emotions. Binge-eating may have temporarily sedated me, but it did nothing to resolve the issues I was running from. The more I faced issues rather than avoid them, the urge to be destructive with food decreased. This process meant becoming less of a people-pleaser and setting boundaries with others.
5. Treat yourself with kindness.
Being my own cheerleader and best friend has been the key to living a balanced, healthy life and maintaining my weight. The way I was treated during my formative years because of my size took a toll on my self-esteem—so much so that I had internalized the negative messages and began berating myself.
But blaming myself didn't get me anywhere. One day, I just plain got tired of all the verbal spankings, so I turned the tide by inundating myself with messages of kindness and appreciation. I truly believe this laid the groundwork for being ready to make physical changes. It's a practice I continue and recommend to my clients, most of whom have suffered emotional abuse because of their weight. In my years of experience of struggling since childhood, I can confidently say that where weight loss and maintenance are concerned, kindness is every bit as important as calories.
Stacey Morris is a journalist, cookbook author, public speaker, and health coach. For more essays on her transformation process, as well as healthy recipes, visit her website. You can follow her on Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest.
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The Strange and Surprising Gift That Comes With My Migraines
I was looking at a tapestry when it happened: A tiny blurry dot began forming in the lower right corner of my vision. Not now, I thought. I put down my audio tour receiver, that funny little phone-shaped thing that you hold up to your ear and listen to someone tell you about whatever historic location you are currently in. In this case, it was the Biltmore House, a giant mansion built by the Vanderbilts in western North Carolina. My husband and I had only made it two rooms into the tour, past the plant-filled atrium and into the formal dining room, but already, I knew the afternoon was ruined.
From experience, I knew that the blurry dot was the beginnings of a migraine—it was my migraine aura, to be more specific. I knew exactly what was going to happen next: This little blurry spot was going to get bigger and bigger, and soon it would take over my whole field of vision.
Everyone's migraine auras look different. Some people see spots of colors; some people see blurry blobs. Mine looks like as if I am staring into lots of clear ceiling fans at once, spinning blurs that don't even go away when I close my eyes. They are embedded somewhere deep in my brain.
I whispered to my husband the words I know he must be very tired of hearing: "I'm sorry, but I'm getting a migraine."
"Oh no," he said. "Here?"
My thoughts exactly.
Soon the headache would start, an ache at my temples that would slowly travel down my face like a block of melting ice made of pulsing, terrible pain, followed by the most inconvenient addition to the migraine lineup: nausea. I could already see myself bursting through the velvet rope to hunch over one of George Vanderbilt's turn-of-the-century toilets.
This mansion had at least 15 more rooms, a basement, a stable, gardens, and a tiny village where we'd been promised a wine tasting—and told that we could pet goats. We'd paid $60 each for admission, plus an additional $12.50 for personal audio tours. This was our one-year anniversary present to ourselves, a trip to Asheville and a tour of the Biltmore, and now it was ruined. And worst of all, there was no way I was going to drink any free wine. The blurry spot got bigger, now encompassing the entire giant deer head mounted on the wall and most of a suit of armor.
The worst part of having migraines isn't necessarily the pain, although that part is terrible.
"Do you want to leave?" my husband asked. I really, really didn't. I wanted to see the rest of the house even if it meant there was a chance I'd vomit on an antique tapestry. I was tired of this problem—I'd had migraines for the last 12 years, and they were constantly interrupting my plans. I'd missed so many things because of them: friends' birthday parties, two Thanksgiving dinners, the second half of a music festival, a million days of work (... OK, so they weren't all bad things).
The worst part of having migraines isn't necessarily the pain, although that part is terrible. I don't think anyone enjoys barricading themselves in a pitch-black room so they can writhe in pain away from the suddenly blinding light of the sun. For me, the actual worst part is not knowing when it's going to happen. When you get a cold, for instance, you feel it coming on. You get a tickle in your throat, and then maybe a day later, you've got a full-blown cold, but you have a little time to prepare.
Migraines, however, happen immediately. I can go from being perfectly healthy, lifting weights at the gym or reading a book or in the middle of a work meeting to completely incapacitated in less than 20 minutes. It makes planning my life terrifying. The day of my wedding, every irregular glisten of the sun set me into a tiny panic: Was that the blurry spot? Was I getting a migraine? What would happen if I had to walk down the aisle blind and then excuse myself to throw up during the vows?
We pushed on with the tour. I really wanted to see the bowling alley in the basement and the indoor pool. But by the time we were done with the house tour, I was nearly doubled over. My whole body felt weak, and my head was pounding. I wanted to go home, but I couldn't even do that: We had checked out of our hotel that morning, and our house was a four-hour drive away.
"Just go lie down in the car," my husband said. "Maybe you'll feel better."
I doubted it. The other worst part of having migraines is trying to explain to someone who doesn't get migraines what it's like to have a migraine and why you can't just push through it. "I have such a migraine" is something people say a lot, but what they mean is "I have a bad headache." If you can throw an Advil at the problem, it's likely not a migraine.
Every migraine sufferer has their own cocktail of choice. After trying several prescription meds, my cocktail ended up being completely over-the-counter: two Excedrin migraines; three ibuprofens; a cup of coffee; and later, when the nausea subsides, a bowl of vanilla ice cream. (Someone told me once that ice cream was supposed to help headaches, and whether its true or not, I can't exactly say for sure, but I feel like I just deserve it.) Stupidly unprepared, I had none of these things in the car.
I lay down in the passenger seat anyway, while my husband wandered around the gardens. Sometimes, when I get a bad migraine and we aren't in a garden owned by a railroad tycoon, my husband will lie down next to me and read to me about famous people who also get migraines. Serena Williams had to drop out of a tournament once because of a migraine. Napoleon had migraines, which is kind of funny when you think about having to halt the invasion of Russia or something because the general needed to lie down for a few hours. Some people think that Van Gogh had migraines like mine: His swirly paintings were allegedly inspired by the swirls of blur and color that he saw when in the midst of a migraine. Sometimes from migraines, there is something good.
In the car, I breathed in and out slowly, listening to the sounds around me: birds chirping, a water feature somewhere, kids chasing each other through the flowers. In my non-migraine life, there's barely any silence. I regularly fall asleep to old Frasier episodes; I flip on a podcast if I'm walking anywhere; I scroll through social media when I'm waiting, when I'm eating, when I'm bored. I never even take a shower anymore without turning on something to drown out the silence (and my own thoughts).
After a migraine, I feel relaxed in a way I never feel in my regular life, where I always feel a slight sense of panic, of urgency to do the next thing.
But when I was a kid, my mind was always wandering. Long car rides, lying in bed before I fell asleep, just swinging on the swing set in my backyard, my brain would go wild making up stories and working things out. Now I have to either be entertained or productive: There's no empty space.
Except when I have a migraine—then the pain is too much to do anything but lie down. I have no choice but to let my brain do whatever it wants, un-chaperoned by watching Jim and Pam get married on The Office for the 50th time. And as a result, I get ideas I never would have had if I kept my brain in check the way I usually do.
After a migraine, I feel relaxed in a way I never feel in my sound- and social media-filled regular life, where I always feel a slight sense of panic, of urgency to do the next thing. Joan Didion said her migraines acted as a circuit breaker—that as the pain of a migraine subsided, the stress of her life disappeared along with it. For me, it's more like a jumper cable, starting up my brain again after I've left the battery run for too long.
I fell asleep in the car, listening to the sounds of the garden, and before long, my husband was tapping on my window, holding a sandwich.
"Do you want to try and have lunch?" he asked. Amazingly, my headache and nausea were almost completely gone. My brain felt clear again, my body like I had lain down in a hot bath. I had the sensation that I'd dreamed about something good, but I couldn't remember what it was.
"Sure," I said. "And after that, can we get ice cream?"
Lucy Huber is a writer, multiple cat owner, and sufferer of Reverse Dawson's Creek Actor Syndrome, which is a disease she made up for when you are 30 but look 15. To see her other work or ask more specific questions about her cats, visit lucyhuber.com.
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Yoga Tells Us to Listen to Our Bodies—Mine Told Me to Stop Doing Yoga
A few years ago, I often found myself searching for stillness. I started going to yoga classes whenever I could find time—there was something about holding postures and breathing through my discomfort that perfectly translated to what I was feeling in my life. I found I could gain composure in chaos, and when I rested in savasana, the final resting pose, I felt almost blissful.
Savasana was every bit as important as the most challenging poses, I discovered. Learning to be still was a challenging process, but it was so beneficial. I saw it translate into my life in many important ways.
I became so invested in yoga that I attended two- and three-hour workshops on weekends. When I wanted more, I enrolled in a six-month yoga teacher training course that ended in a weekend in the woods of West Virginia. By the time I started training clients on my own, in my basement and at local studios, I was a total yoga junkie. I was learning new techniques all the time and using them in my own life, as well as with my students. My practice evolved and grew, and I did too. As I stepped on my mat every day, without fail, I vowed I always would.
But time went on, and I found myself getting bored and restless with yoga. I'd gotten into yoga after the birth of my first child, and after I had a second baby, my time for longer practices was gone. My yoga practice became reduced to sitting on my mat for a few minutes a day, doing a few restorative poses, usually with my baby latched onto my chest.
My yoga practice wasn't eliminated from my life, but it had massively shifted. I felt I was a bad yogi because I didn't have the time to commit to it anymore, and even when I did, I was often too exhausted to do anything but sit and breathe, or put my legs up the wall. It was still yoga, I told myself, but it didn't feel like I was doing much of anything at all.
As I stepped on my mat every day, without fail, I vowed I always would.
As my children grew, slowly, time for yoga came back into my life. The time came when I could turn on a show and perform a home practice, or drop them at the gym daycare center and attend a yoga class—and I did. I started going to yoga again, but I wasn't loving my practice anymore.
In fact, I didn't feel connected to it at all. I felt distant and distracted. But because yoga demands concentration, the more distracted I felt, the more I forced myself to stay on the mat, to recommit. I regained a little core strength. I got bendy again. But I was also bored. The more I practiced, the further I felt from yoga.
One day, I rolled out my yoga mat and began a 45-minute long practice in my living room while my kids played outside. Within five minutes I was bored out of my mind. "I don't want to do this!" I said out loud, for no one but me to hear. And saying the words felt like relief.
Instead, I got my dusty set of dumbells that I hadn't touched in years and put myself through a grueling 30-minute high-intensity interval workout. And afterward, as I sat stretching on my mat, I felt sore and sweaty and amazing. It had been just what I needed.
I'd been so committed to practicing yoga that I'd forgotten that my body could do other things besides yoga too. The next time I dropped off my kids at the gym daycare, I skipped my usual yoga class. Instead, I went for a long, hard run on the treadmill. For years, I'd stayed away from running. I had always struggled with it and never enjoyed doing it—but suddenly, my body was craving it.
Soon, I was able to go for longer and long runs. I did HIIT workouts on the regular. I still used yoga to stretch, and sometimes, just to sit and breathe for a few minutes. I tried to practice mindfulness in my daily life. Yoga was still a part of me, and I felt grateful for all of the knowledge I had picked up over the years—but I was no longer a yoga junkie.
At first, I felt like a slacker, like I had completely bailed on something that had been so important to me simply because I didn't feel like doing it anymore. But then I remembered something, one of yoga's most important teachings—listen to your body.
Yes, I had moved away from a more serious yoga practice, but in a sense, I was still practicing yoga because I was listening to what my body wanted and needed from me. It just didn't look like yoga—at least not all the time. It looked like running, jumping, squatting, lunging, and doing push-ups. It looked like running for miles at my local park or plodding on the treadmill. It looked like lifting weights and doing whatever kind of workout I wanted to do that day.
Once in a while, I still go to yoga or follow a short practice on YouTube to stretch out my muscles. And it feels like a good balance. But I don't need yoga in the way that I once did. And I've decided that that's totally OK.
I was still practicing yoga because I was listening to what my body wanted and needed from me.
I'm sure there will be a time, maybe even in the near future, that I become a yoga junkie once more. I might start craving those 90-minute practices, working on my balance and finding my inner peace. I might even fall in love with savasana all over again.
But right now, I'm going to keep on listening to my body and doing what serves it. It might make me a little bit of a yoga drop-out. But I think that yoga can come in many different forms, and it has many different lessons. Perhaps the most powerful one of all is to simply tune in and listen to what you need. That's exactly what I'm going to do.
Sarah Bregel is a mother, writer, feminist, and deep-breather. She's been published all over the internet and in print. Her work has been included in multiple anthologies, and she is currently writing her first book, a memoir about marriage and motherhood. Find her on Facebook or on Twitter @SarahBregel.
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How to Stay Positive When Everyone Around You Is Negative
It's so easy to end up in a bad mood when someone close to you is feeling down. Being there for our friends, family, and partners when they're going through a hard time is really important, especially if they're experiencing something genuinely traumatic, like the loss of a loved one. On the other hand, we all have at least one friend who throws a helluva pity-party when they're just not feeling good about themselves or the world around them.
When our friends are down—whatever the situation is—it's also critical that we take care of ourselves. It can be hard to take an emotional step back when people close to you are going through a funk, but once you're sucked into that black hole of negativity, it can be even harder to fight your way out.
Emotions Really Are Contagious
Ever wonder why someone else's moods can affect you so much? A 2017 study found that teens who surrounded themselves with negative friends also found their moods to worsen over time, a process known as social contagion.
"Scientifically, we talk about the mirror neurons in the brain that are purposely created so we can be empathically able to experience what someone else is feeling," says Kate Dow, Ph.D., a psychologist and certified wellness coach for women. "The challenge is if you are a very sensitive person, that empathy becomes an open door to taking on other people's feelings and not being able to have a sense of self to hold onto."
"It's the way we're wired," says Jonathan Alpert, psychotherapist and author of Be Fearless: Change Your Life in 28 Days. "We try to connect to people, and we do that first by picking up on how they feel and then bringing a level of understanding and support."
So when your Facebook friend from high school decides to post for the tenth time today about how much her life sucks, or when your coworker is counteracting everything you say with a negative remark, here are some tips from life experts to keep your sanity intact.
1. Acknowledge your funk.
If you've fallen into negative thinking because of your friend, the first step toward a positive mindset is consciously accepting that you're currently in a state of negativity. "Knowing that you've fallen into it is a huge advantage," Dow says.
2. Give yourself a pep talk.
If you know you're going to see someone who's in a bad place emotionally, prepare yourself before you interact with them. Dow suggests giving yourself a pep talk before going in—one that acknowledges the fact that you're going to face this person, that they will be upset, and end with an affirmation stating that you will choose not to take on their emotions. This way, you can have more perspective on your friend's situation and you'll give yourself more of a choice about whether or not to be upset, Dow says.
Try pushing the negative self-doubt away by giving yourself a compliment.
3. Get your friend out of their head.
If you're stuck hearing about your friend's frustration over their boss and how everything is going wrong for them, your initial reaction may be to nod in agreement. But Alpert suggests a different route: Allow your friend to vent for a few minutes, then redirect.
"If someone is complaining all the time and you're agreeing with them, you're reinforcing that behavior, and that may not be so healthy," says Alpert. Offer an alternative way to look at solutions, such as discussing what's going well in their life or a shared interest.
Of course, this advice is only good for smaller irritations—if your friend is going through something life-altering, it's good to let them talk about their feelings as much as they may need to.
4. Set boundaries.
"We only have so much we can give to people," Alpert says. "Make sure you're taking care of yourself and your needs are met." When we get wrapped up in friends' and loved ones' drama, we can forget about ourselves. But when you're at your wit's end with your pal, setting time apart could be what heals your friendship. Focus on other activities you love or spend time with other people in your life. "Not hanging out with them isn't about being mean or judgmental," Dow says. "It's self-care, and ultimately, it's each of our responsibilities to ourselves."
5. Step away from technology.
Being connected at all times has its downsides, and if you're dealing with your BFF's issues at 11 p.m., you're setting yourself up for problems. Try turning off your phone, removing social media apps, or even deactivating accounts until you're feeling better. "If you don't take a break, your brain and body are experiencing high-stress stakes constantly, and chronic stress can lead to getting sick," Dow says.
6. Show gratitude.
A gateway to a positive mind starts by appreciating what you have. In fact, a study performed at the University of Miami found a link between gratitude and happiness. Two groups wrote something every day about their lives: One group focused on things they were grateful for; the other, their irritations. The participants who wrote about gratitude felt happier and better about themselves after ten weeks than the group who focused on griping. And like negativity, gratitude spreads: Another study found that couples who expressed gratitude for one another had more loving, trustworthy relationships.
7. Practice being kind to yourself.
We're our worst critics, and once we're in a bad mood, we can't help but continue to beat ourselves down. Try pushing the negative self-doubt away by giving yourself a compliment. "Positive focus helps support our positive mindset," Dow says. She suggests setting an intention every day promoting a healthier, kinder attitude.
8. Reframe your thoughts.
If you catch yourself using a lot of negative phrases and bringing yourself down, try looking at the bigger picture. "Repeating negative narratives is really going to put someone in a funk," Alpert says. So be kind to yourself—and change the narrative.
9. Consider whether this is someone you want in your life.
No one likes to break up with a friend, but if someone is bringing a lot of negativity into your life—or if you suspect they may be toxic—you should reevaluate whether or not you want to spend time with them. It's an extreme case, but at times, it's necessary. Figure out how much this friend means to you and how important it is to maintain that friendship, Dow says.
Bianca Mendez is a writer in New York covering health, sex, relationships, and beauty. Follow her on Instagram @biancammendez and Twitter @biancamendezz.
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