Why Low Calorie Is Not A Successful Weight Loss Method
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This Indoor Cycling Class Doubles As a Tour of Paris
The funny thing about indoor cycling is you pedal for an hour, but you don’t actually go anywhere. OK, if you go to SoulCycle, you might be spiritually transported, but you’re still in the same room.
What if your indoor cycling class could take you somewhere? Hop aboard the Paris Navigating Gym. The 45-seat boat travels down the Seine powered by all that pedaling, so it’s super green too. Carlo Ratti Associati, the firm that designed the floating gym, says it could be ready for riders in 18 months. Now you have another excuse to visit Paris.
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What Is Scoliosis and How Can Scoliosis Surgery Be Avoided?
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Understanding How Much Water to Store and Proper Containers To Use
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Gel Yourself Well With Aloe Vera Gel
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French Manicure Kit - Give Your Nails a Second Chance
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Hair And Its Growth Cycle
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The 6 Biggest Surprises That Came With Losing 280 Pounds
To say that losing weight is difficult is a huge understatement… especially in a country where Dollar Menu items are much easier and cheaper to acquire than anything that’s remotely healthy. Even after losing more than 280 pounds over 10 years, I’m still battling with obesity issues. While it’s been hard losing the weight and keeping it off, I’ve learned where my overeating stems from, have overcome many of the issues that brought me into this, and have finally gained control of my own body. But the journey has been a long one, and there have been many surprises along the way.
1. You have to learn to think incrementally.
Even if you are hundreds of pounds over your goal, every ten pounds lost matters. I like to think about my weight-loss journey like a tightrope walker trying to cross a gap. I want to maintain the balance of a fitness lifestyle while being wary of falling into the abyss of my obesity issues. Having faith in myself is the wind blowing (or staying blessedly still) in the middle of my high wire act.
2. The rewards trickle in daily… and they’re not always what you expect.
During my battle with obesity, I’ve discovered countless upsides to being in control of my disorder. I’d anticipated some of them—like being able to walk upstairs without shortness of breath and agonizing knee and back pain—but there were other sheer joys I hadn’t even thought to expect. For instance, when I no longer had to face the embarrassment of asking a first date to move to the table instead of the booth so my gut could fit… that was a pretty miraculous day.
You might also like READ3. Emotionally charged backslides happen—and they hurt.
Even with all the rewards, this process is emotionally complicated and requires you to take a full life inventory. When I fell off my tightrope, some of the most painful parts of my life resurfaced—I realized that at the core of my food addiction was a desire for more time with my father, who had passed away when I was in high school. This realization drove my addiction to food into hyperspeed, and I began to overeat again—sometimes it felt like I was eating more than any other human had ever eaten before. But I regained control and felt proud of my first 100-pound weight loss, which marked the anniversary of my father’s death.
4. Your goals will change.
Even now, as I maintain a healthy weight on the other side of grief, I still battle with emotionally charged eating, but I now have the drive to make the rest of my life the best of my life. However, I still face the anxiety that comes with getting older and the challenges of weight management. By 2014, I had lost 220 pounds, but the last 60 pounds I lost came just as I turned 30 years old. When I realized my own mortality, I began working even harder.
5. You have to relearn to see yourself… over and over again.
I should view my excess skin as a medal of honor; it serves as a daily reminder of who I used to be and how far I’ve come. But seeing yourself this way can be difficult, especially in the fitness industry, where looks feel like they’re everything. Our current fitness culture, which is so dependent on social media, can feel like the opposite of love, acceptance, and appreciation for who you are. I’ve learned to cope by helping other people identify their disorder and start the process of becoming who they want to be.
6. The worst parts can become the best.
I remember the embarrassment I felt when I first walked past the gym veterans to the far back of the cardio deck. While it was originally a big source of anxiety, cardio—along with strength training—really helped me build self-esteem. I’m currently on the other side of that battle; now I’m the gym vet with a new view from the front of the cardio deck. Of course, I still struggle with my self-image, but I have peace of mind knowing I am learning to be happy with me.
Vinson Smith is the cofounder of HardBody Fitness Personal Training Group and player development coach at Mallard Creek High School in Charlotte, NC. Follow him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook @VinsonSmithCLT.
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A 25-Minute TRX Workout for When You Have No Idea What to Do at the Gym
In order to see results, you have to switch up your usual routine. This 25-minute workout utilizes a suspension trainer like TRX to transform the basic bodyweight moves you know and love to make them even more effective.
You might also like READUsing a suspension trainer forces you to activate your stabilizing muscles (the muscles that help you balance) during every exercise, so you'll challenge your upper body, core, and lower body in ways you never knew possible. Have no idea WTH to do with those straps? Don't worry. Instructor Kelly Lee offers detailed directions to guide you through each move. So grab a TRX and press play to get started.
To recap: You'll need a suspension trainer like TRX for this workout.
Looking for more short and effective at-home workouts? Grokker has thousands of routines, so you’ll never get bored. Bonus: For a limited time, Greatist readers get 40 percent off Grokker Premium (just $9 per month) and their first 14 days free. Sign up now!
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The Weird Trick That Makes Coffee Way Less Bitter
There are lots of ways to make coffee taste less bitter—you can add sugar or milk. Or you can add an egg. Yes, an egg. It sounds weird, but science says it works. When you pour boiling water over an egg and coffee grounds, the protein in the egg binds to the part of the grounds that causes bitterness. Just be sure to strain the mixture—otherwise you'll be left with scrambled egg-like clumps in your cup of joe.
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Running Is Not Just About Losing Weight
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Beer Yoga Combines Two of Our Favorite Things
At the end of a hard week, all we want to do is relax with a cold beer in hand. But we know we’d feel more zen if we took a yoga class—and our body would thank us too. Now you can have the best of both worlds with beer yoga. The class started in Germany (of course!) and has now spread to Australia. Attendees sip on ales before and after class, but beer also gets incorporated into the yoga moves. So that means you’ll be doing warrior II with a bottle in hand. Cheers to that!
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Have Fun With a New Adventure
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Learning the Basics of Wall Climbing
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8 Ways to Beat Stubborn Body Fat With Walking
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How Can You Get A Fit And Slim Body?
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Tips For Losing Weight Naturally
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7 Danish Recipes That Prove Why Hygge Is Everything
We've always loved Scandinavian design (copper lighting! pops of bright blue! wooden accents!), but we've heard a lot about one Scandi concept in particular lately: hygge. Pronounced "hoo-ga," hygge roughly translates to anything that has to do with being cozy. If you're picturing images of large mugs of tea and half-nibbled cookies next to ski sock-clad feet wrapped around a (delightfully minimalist) blanket, you're right on point. Oh boy, can we get down with that. Even if you can't light a fire in your living room, these seven Danish recipes are the best way to start practicing hygge in your kitchen. Start a pot of tea and get cooking.
1. Smørrebrød (Open-Faced Sandwiches)
2. Øllebrød (Danish Rye Bread Porridge)
3. Bircher Muesli
4. Danish Split Pea Soup
5. Risalamande (Vanilla Rice Pudding With Cherries)
6. Strawberries and Koldskål (Danish Summer Cream)
Traditionally a cold custard of milk, cream, and sugar, this koldskål is made with thick sheep or goat yogurt, maple syrup, lemon, and vanilla. Serve with mega-sweet, almost-too-ripe strawberries and a few healthier kammerjunkere (crispy cardamom cookies).
7. Kogt Torsk (Poached Cod)
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RO Water Purifiers - Your Source To Health
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Why The Fat Diminisher System Should Be Your Go To Diet Plan In 2017
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I Spent My Honeymoon Playing a Video Game. What Is Wrong With Me?
In my defense, my honeymoon wasn’t terrible, and I’m not a horrible person. I am, however, a self-indulgent manboy who is at times prone to lengthy video game sessions in lieu of say, eating or sleeping. So when Nintendo and Niantic released Pokémon Go in the same month that my newly wedded wife Christine and I were set to take the honeymoon of our dreams, there was bound to be some tension over diverted attention. I wish I could blame Pikachu for single-handedly forcing my wife to the brink of divorce after one month of marriage, but I can’t. Charizard was at fault too. And also me. Largely me. That’s my gamer shame to bear. Here’s what happened.
For our honeymoon, the plan was to road trip through the entire northwest quarter of the United States. Start in Chicago, head west through a bucket list of national parks, hit the West Coast, and take our time heading down to Los Angeles, our new home. We wanted to bask in hot springs in Yellowstone and get weird at as many bars as possible in Portland.
But then we got married and left for our trip in July of last year, which as you may recall, was also the month Pokémon Go was released. Do you even really remember Pokémon Go at this point? For a brief, heady moment, the GPS-driven augmented reality mobile game had most of humanity swearing at digital pigeon monsters. Pedestrians were run over; relationships were formed; and an empire of Poké-specific content was gathered, consumed, and excreted instantly. It was a fun phenomenon while it lasted, which was approximately one month before everyone was completely over it. I have one friend who still plays. He just reached level 27, and we are concerned about him.
But during the summer of '16, everyone was Go-ing; it was the thick of Pokémon fever. I began dabbling, working the game into my very adult life, playing when there was downtime on the train commute home, having it on during morning jogs. Within a week, I was playing during every car ride I took, taping my cell phone to a ceiling fan to hatch a 10K egg.
On my honeymoon, this translated into visiting tourist traps, booking Pokémon-friendly Airbnbs (our apartment in Minneapolis sat on two PokeStops!), and generally ignoring Christine for chunks of time. The trip brought to light some of my less-than-glowing gaming tendencies. Primarily the fact that I do not know when to stop playing a video game.
You might also like READOn day 10 of our honeymoon road trip, we traveled through Devils Tower National Monument in South Dakota (the more interesting Dakota). Devils Tower is a beautiful butte—smaller than a mesa, nowhere near as large as a plateau—and on the loop around the tower, you can see its resplendent frozen magma facade emerging from the line of spruce trees below. You might even see some rock climbers.
If you were at the park on August 9, 2016, however, you’d see me with my face in my phone hunting digital monsters, looking up only every five minutes or so to pretend I’m acting like a functional adult. Christine would be talking to me, and I’d nonchalantly reach into my pocket for my phone upon every vibrating Poke-notice. I convinced myself that I was doing an OK job multitasking, but I was just really splitting my attention to such an extent that I wasn’t focused on anything.
A big part of the thrill of playing Pokémon Go was discovering new, rare Pokémon, and in a clearing outside a vista point, with the scope of the Black Hills Forest begging for my awestruck wonder, my focus was lasered in on a level 17 Ninetales. The majestic, fox-like creature broke free from every Ultra Ball I threw its way before fleeing the scene entirely, leaving me genuinely bereft.
This was the point when Christine rightfully took my phone away, which for a millennial is akin having at least one eye poked out. She communicated to me that choosing Pokémon Go over choosing true quality time with her on our honeymoon was really testing her loyalty and love. These were not the terms and conditions of the marriage she signed up for. I might not have been the guy playing on his phone while driving and crashing head-on into a cop car, but I wasn’t any less reckless in my dedication to the game.
I would love to say this blemish is an outlier in a lifetime of flourishing social interactions balanced with a healthy hobby of video gaming. It is not. Since I was a kid, subsisting on oatmeal cream pies and turn-based tactics role-playing games, there’s a system to the way I play video games: I lock in, zone out, and never know when to quit.
In today’s gaming environment, where most games auto-save your progress so as to keep gameplay fluid, having a lack of self-restraint becomes destructive. Nintendo’s upcoming system, the Switch, has a parental control app that lets parents set gaming time limits for each day of the week. Not only would that have been useful for me as a kid, it would also be useful for me now as an adult. Finding the appropriate work-life-game balance is a struggle.
From 2007-2009, I quit playing video games altogether; I made an active decision that they were a dead end, a waste of my time. I broke my digital abstinence in 2010 when I needed a cheap DVD player, so I got a PS3 for $100 off craigslist and essentially picked up from my last save point. I was back to being Solid Snake of Metal Gear, sneaking up on robotic ninjas and snapping their necks.
The end result of a marathon gaming session for me often includes the onset of gamer shame, which is a very specific form of guilt. I feel ashamed that I’ve dedicated my energy to manipulating pixels without anything to show for it in real life. The word "achievement" comes up in a lot of modern gaming, but I don’t feel like I have much to show for defeating countless waves of bosses and monsters.
For my 10,000 hours spent expertly gaming, what have I achieved? If I had poured the man-hours of gaming into carpentry, I’d have a set of cabinets. If I had spent that time making art, I’d at least have my apartment’s decor taken care of. But I’ve spent my time playing games... which means I have a set of thumbs with decent fast-twitch muscles and a mental vault of gaming trivia that holds the names and locations of all Espers in Final Fantasy 6. This feels like a false reward.
I would love to say this blemish is an outlier in a lifetime of flourishing social interactions balanced with a healthy hobby of video gaming. It is not.
Gaming serves as more of a distraction than a muse to me, and sure, there’s the occasional inner voice saying "scale it back," but then that voice is met with a flying blue koopa shell and explodes. I can readily admit that there are positive aspects to gaming, but things like camaraderie, stress reduction, and hand-eye coordination have diminishing returns when I obsessively play like a zombie. It’s something both Christine and I know I’m working on, but the honeymoon trip was tangible evidence that my lazy gamer persona is not tethered to the couch at home. Occasionally he finds reasons to zombie-walk outside for some fresh air.
I don’t know if I’ll ever find a healthy homeostasis with video games in my life. I wrestle with gaming as I enter a phase of life when I’m considering having kids, accelerating my career, buying a house (or at least not paying rent to a slumlord). I’m not sure that all them can be reconciled.
Wise philosopher Anthony Bourdain once said, "I understand there's a guy inside me who wants to lay in bed, smoke weed all day, and watch cartoons and old movies. My whole life is a series of stratagems to avoid, and outwit, that guy." I feel the same way, just with an inner slacker that will never not want to play Smash Brothers. And if I can learn to successfully stave off that guy, maybe I’ll eventually show enough self-restraint to ward off the other guy who’s obsessed with pro wrestling.
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9 Paleo-Approved Products That Make Us Happy We Aren't Actually Cavemen
Whether you’re full-fledged Paleo or just starting to eat eggs and avocado without the toast, you know that your kitchen needs to be stocked with Paleo-approved staples. Packing your pantry with the right foods will prove that giving up grains, dairy, heavily processed foods, and tons of sugar isn't *so* hard after all. From clarified butter to sugar-free hot sauces to natural almond butters, these Paleo products will replace the junk in your pantry for good (or at least for right now while you're on this Paleo kick). If only the cavemen could see you now… they’d be so jealous.
1. Cooking Fat: Ghee
If you’re not familiar with this melt-in-your mouth butter substitute, it’s time you got acquainted. Ghee is clarified butter. Translation: The milk solids are filtered out from regular butter so all that’s left is pure butter fat… making it Paleo approved. Use it to saute your chicken sausage, top a baked sweet potato, or smear all over a grass-fed steak.
Brands to buy:
Fourth and Heart Ghee, Pure Indian Foods Ghee, Trader Joe’s Ghee
2. Cooking Oil: Coconut Oil
We’re not saying you have to put away the olive oil for good, but if you’re not cooking with coconut oil, are you really even Paleo? This kitchen all-star withstands some seriously high heat, making it a better go-to for frying than olive oil.
Brands to buy:
Nutiva Coconut Oil, Carrington Farms Coconut Oil
3. Soy Sauce Alternative: Coconut Aminos
Soy is on the no-list, but that doesn’t mean you’re left with nothing to flavor your sashimi. Coconut aminos is completely soy free but its main ingredient, aging coconut sap, has a similar flavor to soy sauce. Use it in stir-fries, salad dressings, marinades, and fish-based dishes.
Brands to buy:
Coconut Secret Coconut Aminos, Thrive Market Coconut Aminos
4. Spice: Hot Sauce
If hot sauce is your BFF, you’ll be thrilled to know this kitchen necessity is Paleo approved. In our opinion, hot sauce is the answer when any meal needs an upgrade. Try to avoid hot sauces with added sugars, because they can sneak in there when you least expect it.
Brands to buy:
Tessemae's Buffalo Sauce, Horsetooth Hot Sauce, Frank's Red Hot Original, Cholula
5. Condiment: Avocado Mayo
What’s life without mayonnaise? Sad. Paleo peeps don’t need to suffer thanks to avocado-based mayos. Boil a chicken breast (or drain a can of tuna), shred it, and mix it with diced-up apples, celery, and avocado mayonnaise. Then all is right in the Paleo world.
Brands to buy:
Chosen Foods Avocado Mayo, Primal Kitchen Avocado Mayo
6. Something Sweet: Maple Syrup or Honey
This is us praising Paleo for allowing us to eat healthier desserts (giving up sweets was the hardest part of Whole30!). While strict Paleo-ers might turn their noses up at this, those of us who take a more lax approach are definitely eating Paleo pancakes, scones, and dessert balls. And you can’t enjoy them without a touch of maple syrup or honey.
Brands to buy:
Coombs Organic Maple Syrup, Gunter’s Pure Honey, Nature Nate’s Pure Honey
7. Baking Flour: Almond Flour
Speaking of desserts, almond flour (or almond meal) is one of the best flours to use instead of all-purpose when you’re making a Paleo-approved treat. We can’t forget what it can do for savory foods either. Anyone up for some almond-crusted chicken tenders?
Brands to buy:
Bob’s Red Mill Almond Flour, Wellbee’s Almond Flour
8. Milk Substitute: Almond Milk
Whether you’re adding a splash to your coffee, whipping up a smoothie, or craving a cold glass to go with your (Paleo) cookies, unsweetened almond milk is a Paleo dream. Pro tip: Buy a few gallons at once because you’ll be shocked at how quickly you chug.
Brands to buy:
Silk Unsweetened Almond Milk, SO Delicious Almond Milk
9. Nut Butter: Almond Butter
Peanut butter is out; almond butter is in. Peanuts are legumes, which are off-limits in cavemen diets, but thank the sweet nut heavens we can still have almond butter. Ideal for spooning into your mouth, smothering on top of a banana, or mixing into your breakfast smoothie, almond butter is the reason Paleo is doable. Avoid the brands with added sugars and oils. They’re not only completely unnecessary but a no for Paleo.
Brands to buy:
Thrive Almond Butter, Justin’s Almond Butter
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Getting Rid of Unwanted Facial and Body Hair With Laser Hair Removal Treatment
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This Machine Is a Mashup of a Rock Climbing Wall and a Treadmill
The fact that the Treadwall exists means someone probably thought, “Hey, rocking climbing is hard, but what if I did it on a conveyor belt instead of a wall?” The Treadwall turns bouldering into a cardio workout that uses nearly every muscle in your body. We’re sore just watching people use the machine. But if the video makes you want to try it for yourself, your best bet is finding a climbing gym that already has one, because buying a Treadwall will set you back at least $9,000.
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Is Losing Strength After 40 Natural?
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French Manicure Kit - Know How to Make Yourself Elegant
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Why Not Everyone Is Worth Forgiving
Have you ever seen two kids have an argument? As a teacher, I mediate kid arguments all the time, and man, is it a fast process. Usually, I just listen to each kid yell their grievances at me (Why are you shouting? I’M NOT SHOUTING!), then I get to demand they apologize to each other, and enjoy what is almost always an instantaneous resolution. When you’re a kid, forgiveness is usually the cheapest, easiest thing in the world; it’s a hug, a laugh, and, boom, instant friendship!
It doesn’t always come so easily though, even for kids. I remember when I was in elementary school, a friend of mine told me she had a sister and months later, I found out it wasn’t true at all. Boy, was I mad. I didn’t speak to her again until middle school, when she totally called me out on it in the locker room, that I had refused to forgive her for such a stupid, little thing. There I was, in my gym shorts and training bra, being publicly shamed for having held a grudge for so long. I decided, from then on, that forgiveness would be a virtue everyone would come to associate with me: I was gracious. I was understanding. I was forgiving. Never again would I be that 12-year-old in the training bra, bitterly refusing to let go of a past slight. Never!
But as an adult, forgiveness is like Pilates class; when you do it, you usually feel great afterward, but sometimes you feel awful going, awful doing it, and awful afterward, and you know you should have just stayed home, watched Hoarders, and gone some other time.
You can probably imagine where this is going if you’re human and have a pulse.
I had no idea what that meant. I was hoping he understood that clearly he would be the first to write, because I had no idea how grown-up pen pals worked. He was living abroad, enjoying what appeared to be a very glamorous, bohemian lifestyle. In the photos he posted, it was clear that he had a dog and cool-dude digs. And oh, he was handsome. I wondered where the hell he’d been in college, when I was pining after some miserable artsy kid who eventually left to study acting in England.
And then his letter came.
It was a four-page explosion of scribbled drawings, backstory, hopes, and dreams… and it felt like a masterpiece. I spent hours pouring over it; I brought it to work with me, carefully enclosed in a book, like something precious, secret, almost sacred. I showed it to my best friend in quiet wonder, asking,Who the hell is this guy? And what the hell is this wonderful thing? I spent days crafting a reply. I poured my heart into it; this process was fun and new and wildly curious and exciting. The next few months proceeded like this, eagerly awaiting letters, trading ecstatic Facebook messages, pinging each other to exclaim that the mail had arrived—we traded exclamations of I got it! I got it!!!!
You might also like READWe shared our hopes and dreams, our greatest fears, our weirdest inclinations; soon I felt like I knew him better than I knew most of my closest friends. Trinkets were exchanged. He sent me a little drawing pad, a cartoon, and a dedication on the first page. I sent him a friendship bracelet (remember how easy those were to make? Apparently not so much for adult hands). Our avoidance of any topic even remotely romantic felt electrically deliberate, the implications present at every turn.Where do you see yourself in five years? With someone I love, somewhere good.
You can probably imagine where this is going if you’re human and have a pulse. I fell head over heels in love with him. It was the single most romantic thing to ever happen to me; it was like a movie. It actually might be a movie, probably one starring Rachel McAdams.
We arranged to meet in DC in the spring. At this point, everyone knew this special thing that was unfolding in my life. What will you wear? What will you say? This is it! He and I texted for days beforehand. We chatted about everything, as we usually did, easy and effortlessly, as though we’d known each other forever. The conversation veered toward romance. My pulse quickened. It’s hard to find love, he wrote. Sure is, I said. Well, I’m going on a weekend trip with this girl I’ve been seeing, so we’ll see how it goes. Cross your fingers for me!
Girl. I’ve. Been. Seeing. The words punctured all the air in my tiny apartment as I stared at my phone. Even as I began to tear up, I furiously started making excuses for him. Of course he’s seeing someone, Mikayla. What did you expect? He’s a guy. Guys have needs. This is understandable. I forgave him immediately, because that’s what you do. Back in that middle-school locker room, I’d stood there in my training bra and chosen to become someone generous, so I wasn’t about to become an ungenerous girl in a matronly support bra in my own living room, butt-hurt at my pen pal for taking girls on dates.
So instead, I cheekily told him that I couldn’t really cross my fingers, because I was in love with him myself. I tend to go balls to the wall with stuff like that. He rambled on a little about feelings, and timing, and distance, without ever really saying anything in reply.
I went to DC anyway, of course. I had a plane ticket, and my mother was expecting me, and when your mother is expecting you, what the f*ck else is there to do? I wasn’t giving up, either. No. I didn’t care who the this girl was; he and I had something special, and I had pages upon pages of letters to prove it. What was he thinking? I felt like I was gearing up for the fight of my life; he belonged with me. Why couldn’t he see that? I wrote him a good-bye letter just in case, feeling positive that I would show it to him someday, when we were old and married, and laugh about how he almost lost me entirely once. I tucked it into my pocket for good luck.
We planned to meet at a coffee shop at noon. He was two hours late. I cried into an overpriced latte and told myself he was probably late because he was losing his mind in confusion. I forgave him immediately, trying to feel magnanimous while wiping the snot from my nose.
When he finally arrived, he gave me a bag of coffee as a gift and asked why I was crying. I told him, mustering up my best Rachel McAdams, that I had fallen in love with him, that this was something special, something worth fighting for, that I would move to his far-off country for him if that was what it took, that I could teach anywhere, if it meant we could have our shot. He rambled on a little about feelings and timing and distance, looked sad, and then asked if I wanted to get gelato. I wanted so badly to ignore it, but the no was written all over his face, all over the way he very delicately physically separated himself from me. I tearfully shrugged and said OK.
We spent the rest of the day together, exploring DC, eating food, taking photos. I felt like I was holding myself hostage. I really just wanted to punch him in the face and leave, but I felt guilty. I couldn’t leave him like that; he hadn’t asked for any of this. We drove around in his mom’s convertible, listening to old indie rock. We drew pictures and left them in a box by a garden. Two cartoon characters saying I don’t know and I don’t know either. At the end of the day, I gave him the good-bye letter I wrote him. It was generous and sad. I couldn’t be his pen pal anymore; it wasn’t fair to me, and it wasn’t fair to the girl he was with.
That night, he told me he had reread all of my letters (which he had inexplicably brought with him) searching for signs, for clues, wondering where he had gone wrong. Had he missed romantic signals somewhere? He thought we were clearly just pals. I felt guilty, like I had ruined this wonderful thing we had by breaking an invisible rule. I didn’t forgive him, because there was nothing to forgive; it was all my fault. As I sat on the plane the next day, I texted him that I missed him already. He texted me back a link to a song in Portuguese. I desperately searched it for some hidden meaning.
Within my brokenheartedness, I felt an undercurrent of guilt, like I had wronged him by falling in love, that I made something out of nothing, that his intentions had been pure and I had somehow sullied it with my own agenda.
I don’t feel that way anymore.
In hindsight, I’d like to go back to that day and punch myself in the face, then get the hell out of there, as far from him as possible. I’d like to tell my former self that I didn’t do anything wrong.
Look, even now I want to believe him! Maybe he didn’t mean to lead me on; it is so ingrained in my nature to forgive him, to try to understand, to make excuses. Maybe he never meant for it to go that way at all; maybe he honestly, truthfully, never even thought about it. Maybe he’d ignored the scribbled hearts ALL THE F*CK OVER MY LETTERS. Maybe he has intimate female pen pals all the time, and nothing like this has ever happened… but seriously, that just makes him stupid, which is almost as bad as being cruel. And guess what? You don’t have to forgive stupid, either.
His relationship with that girl was just slightly more serious than he’d led on; they’re now married and have a child. I unfriended him on Facebook and unfollowed him on Instagram, although he doesn’t seem to know it yet because he still likes all my posts (hi, I guess you know now).
I unceremoniously tossed his letters out with the trash one day.
Intent is a thing, I know. It’s a thing, and it matters. And forgiveness is also a thing, and it’s nice, and it feels good. But for f*ck’s sake, not everyone is worth forgiving. I don’t feel weighed down by any continued resentment, but I feel free from the obligation to be gracious and forgiving. There is plenty of room in my heart for both.
Sometimes things don’t end in a hug and a laugh and, boom, friendship! Sometimes the most someone deserves is not you—and that’s not heavy, that’s not a burden. The girl at the coffee shop who waited two hours for a guy who didn’t appreciate her? She deserves my forgiveness. As for the rest, I’ll be the girl in the matronly support bra opting out of Pilates class, waving my middle finger from the couch as I watch Hoarders. And I don’t feel bad about it one. Single. Bit.
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How Thinking About Death Can Make Your Life Better
What does that mean, exactly? It means letting the knowledge of your imminent death empower you in the present. It means reminding yourself of the fleeting and fragile nature of life, letting that motivate you to suspend your fear and kick some ass. Here are some ways to do just that.
1. Consider what a successful life means to you.
And only to you. Not to your mom, your boss, or your best friend. Pause and take some time to understand what a life well-lived really looks like for you. What do you want to be, do, and have? See all seven continents? Create a family? Author a book? Invent something that leaves a lasting legacy? Give back in a big way? Gretchen Rubin says, "The days are long, but the years are short." This resonates for me… I can’t believe it’s already February. In 2017.
2. Change your mindset to achieve what's important to you.
Think: What do I need to change?
The old saying "energy flows where attention goes" is accurate. What needs your attention in order for you to achieve your goals? What do you need to do or think about differently? Most change begins with an open mind. If you don’t think you can travel for an extended period, write 50,000 words, or be an activist, then you can’t, and you won’t. What mindset shift do you most need to make?
You might also like READMeet and research people who have achieved what you hope to. If it’s possible for others, it’s possible for you. Get around winners. That simple change can have a massive impact.
3. Contemplate how embarrassment weakens you.
Scott Adams, creator of the Dilbert series, says the most important quality successful people possess is "lack of fear of embarrassment." Is this stopping you from going for it? The fear of what people might think, say, or do? You can minimize this fear when you get real about it. To combat it…
4. Write a letter to yourself from your 90-year old self’s point of view.
Thank yourself for what you had the courage and bravery to achieve. Start each sentence with, "I am so thankful that…" What are you most thankful for? I bet it won’t be, "I’m so happy that I played it safe and didn’t ruffle any feathers," or "I’m so happy that I just went with the crowd and bothered as few people as possible."
I bet you’ll be thanking yourself for the things that you know today matter to you.
5. Lose your excuses.
There is nothing like the power of perspective to make your excuses look like a joke. Too busy, tired, or scared to fulfill your ambitions? Come on! Excuses are more dangerous and frightening than almost anything else that can scare you—including death itself.
Living life with death in mind allows us to not sweat the small stuff. It spurs us to remember what matters and to get out of bed in the morning with more purpose and less anxiety. If you choose this perspective, a more meaningful, intentional life will be your reward. And what could be more valuable than that?
Susie Moore is Greatist's life coach columnist and a confidence coach in New York City. Her book, What If It Does Work Out?, is available on Amazon. Sign up for free weekly wellness tips on her website and check back every Tuesday for her latest No Regrets column!
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The 11 Reasons That Tinder Match Never Messaged You
Those of you who are regular swipe-app users—your Tinderers, your Bumblers, your OkCupiders—will be familiar with two nearly simultaneous and almost always contradictory emotions. The first comes when you match with someone: the giddy high that accompanies your two pics dancing across the screen, Tinder’s celebratory "It’s a Match!" with an "M" so sassy that it should come with a parental advisory, or Bumble’s "BOOM," which might as well just say, "YOU GUYS SHOULD BANG." You think… "maybe… maybe this is the one! The one who’s going to change everything!"
The second sensation comes shortly thereafter, as you try to craft a perfect-but-totes chill opening message to this new potential life partner. "Hey, how’s your day treating you?" is my boring default, as I don't want to invest too much or seem too eager. Because the reality is that the likelihood that this human will write you back is closer to nil than my checking account, and that, my friends, is saying something.
But why? Why won’t they just write you (me, us) back? I’ve assembled the comprehensive list of explanations for when you've matched with someone who looks ~~perfect~~ but who ends up completely ignoring you.
1. They’ve made a horrible mistake.
This one rates highly in the likelihood department because we've all been there. Your thumbs are swiftly flicking through faces, and then suddenly something weird happens with the angle of your hand or the touchscreen has a mini-seizure, and all of a sudden, you’ve matched with Taylor, a perfectly nice-looking grave-digger who you’re just not excited to suck face with.
2. Your conversation just didn’t spark.
True, the full extent of your attempt to communicate with this new, exciting person is no more than a few words, but maybe buried deep inside those words was a blaring siren of awkwardness that sent up more red flags than the opening ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics. They just know.
3. They were drunk when they swiped right on you.
There are those people who at the beginning of the date make you think, "I don’t know if I’m really into this," but then a beer or two in, you’re like, "I really love the name Flannery for a girl and Clayton for a boy," so why shouldn’t the same thing hold true for swiping under the influence? In their defense, I don’t know how I’d feel about getting a message that was like "OMG I’m so sorry I was totally wasted when I swiped right on you," so maybe silence really is the best answer here.
4. They swipe right on everyone and see who swipes right back.
I didn’t know until recently that this is a thing, and it seems pretty f*cking horrible. It’s less "he’s just not that into you" and more "he’s just a total douchebag."
5. They can smell your desperation.
I mean, if the NSA can turn on our camera phones without us knowing, surely Apple has devised a way of transmitting how much you desperately need this embryonic relationship to work, if only so you don’t have to deal with Aunt Sheila’s probing questions about why you’re still single at your cousin’s wedding in June. Clearly, Jordan can tell just how badly you want it, and is accordingly running, screaming into the night, in the opposite direction.
6. They're sadistic and cruel.
This one time, I matched with a guy who was cute or whatever, but not slack-jawed-accidentally-walk-into-a-post pretty or anything. I sent him a friendly, harmless, "Hey Nick, how’s your weekend going?" and he wrote back, "No."
"No… what? No weekend?" I asked innocently.
He sent me an animated gif of Homer Simpson backing into a hedge. I sent him an animated gif of Oprah looking happily confused at the 2015 Oscars. He sent me a gif of a weird cartoon spider shaking its head, and then blocked me.
Let me just say that this guy—who must have swiped right on me at some point—was giving me a hard rejection via gif? I mean, I am a goddamned Fulbright Scholar. Needless to say, I had a few glasses of wine following that interaction. I think I earned them.
7. They're already married and just forgot to deactivate their Tinder.
What happens when you’ve found the one? Is there a button somewhere in these apps that says "I’m all good! Take me out of the mix!"? I know I’ve never seen one, not that I’ve had cause to look… so I’m just going to assume that there are some number of faces I’m seeing of people who are happily ensconced with their future husband already. The internet seems divided on what happens to your account if you stop using your swipey app but don’t fully eradicate yourself from it—i.e., delete your account—and the idea that the reason Jamie never wrote back is because he is busy getting married to Royce is somehow easier to stomach than the idea that he just DGAF.
8. Their friend was swiping for them.
I’ve covered in full the various pitfalls of this exercise.
9. They died.
There are 7 billion people in the world. Every day, 151,000 people die. That’s roughly .002 percent of the world's total population. There are 10 million daily active Tinder users. .002 percent of 10 million is 200. So every day on Tinder, there are 200 new ghosts in the mix. That’s just math.
10. They got distracted and forgot about you.
This one is lame because you can’t actually hate the person for it, but—especially for that guy who looked kind of promising—can be frustrating as hell.
11. The biggest, best, least satisfying, and most likely reason: They’re just not good enough.
Yes, no one wants to hear it, but even though Tyler was super handsome and wrote a witty profile and swiped right on you, a match who can’t be bothered to write back to a personable, friendly message isn’t worth the data you used to download their photo. It doesn’t make them suck any less, but maybe it will make their silence just a little less hurtful.
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