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3 Ways to Break Out of a Running Slump
This article is part of the Greatist x Aaptiv Fight the February Slump challenge, a monthlong fitness program to help you keep that motivation going. There's still time to join! Sign up here then start your free 30-day Aaptiv trial.
There’s no better feeling than the runner's high: that euphoric sense of peace and happiness that typically comes from more miles and more endorphins. And there’s no worse feeling than the running slump: the dreaded loss of motivation that affects mental and physical stamina.
Running can quickly go from feeling like a necessary release to a full-blown chore. What gives?
What exactly is a running slump?
These dips in motivation are common and normal for new and veteran runners alike. But it's important to know the difference between a slump and just a bad day. “The silver lining to a bad day is that it comes to an end," says Aaptiv trainer Ackeem Emmons. “If it persists for days on end, that’s a slump—and it’s time to make some changes.”
A number of external forces can trigger running slumps, such as prolonged bad weather and stressful personal circumstances. But sometimes they are caused by a general lack of focus and even boredom. “Training should be equal parts physically and mentally stimulating," says Emmons. "And we need clear goals to achieve and get the gratification to stay motivated and keep coming back.”
OK, so how do I get out of one?
1. Change it up.
When you’re feeling bogged down by your usual pace, scenery, or running style, try something new. It sounds simple because it is. Variety is the spice of life and maybe the kick in the pants you need to lace your shoes back up. “As humans, we’re designed to adapt,” says Emmons. “Varying run types will stimulate muscular growth and increase speed and endurance, depending on the type of workout.”
Beyond the physical benefits of changing things up, trying new styles of running and workouts can beat boredom in a big way, which can foster that motivation you’ve been missing. Try adding intervals to your routine and set goals around them. Add HIIT training into your weekly workouts. Try tempo running to test your pace. Work on incline intervals to build lower-body strength and improve endurance overall.
“You never know what you’ll like or what you can do unless you try,” Emmons says. “Lace up and try something new!” After all, logging your usual miles at your usual pace for the fifth day in a row would get old to anyone.
2. Reset actively.
We love a good rest day. In fact, they’re necessary for recovery and progress. But if you’re worried your rest days are a little too chill, try something a bit more active. “In some cases, rest days may enable a slump,” Emmons says. “Runners should implement active rest workouts to keep things interesting and moving.”
On your next rest day, try a new, lower-intensity workout. Or opt for Pilates or yoga to relax and strengthen muscles. You can even set out to find new running routes with a relaxing outdoor walk. Staying in motion will help you stay motivated, and that can help you get back to achieving those goals faster, says Emmons.
3. Don’t beat yourself up.
No matter what, remember that running slumps are a part of the process and happen to everyone. Don’t get down on yourself if you need to take a few days to try a different workout or simply reset mentally. “Every great athlete starts from somewhere,” Emmons says. “Focus on progress, not perfection—a little bit of something is better than a lot of nothing.”
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Expert-Approved Tips to Help Repair Dry Skin and Tired Muscles
Winter takes a massive toll on you—your skin gets dry, you’re constantly hunched over to fight the cold, you retreat to your couch for months on end...
Thankfully this Eucerin series is here to help. Each video pairs skin care tips from a dermatologist with stretches from a fitness instructor to help repair your skin and your muscles.
This video walks you through two simple stretches that use a lacrosse ball to work out all those knots in your neck, shoulders, and chest—plus shows you how to keep skin moisturized after a tough workout or just a long day.
If the rest of your body needs hydration and a good stretch, check out these moves for quads/hamstrings and arms.
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Getting in "Proposal Shape" Might Be the Worst New Fitness Trend
As if we needed one more reason to question everything, getting in "proposal shape" is apparently the next big thing in fitness. Yep, more and more people are working out specifically to prepare for their proposal—and the inevitable engagement photos.
Of course, it's understandable you'd want to look your best when there are lots of photos being taken. And we fully support healthy, sustainable lifestyle changes that start with being more active.
That said, we don't love the idea that anyone feels like they have to look a certain way in order for their proposal to be successful. The pressure to be "wedding ready" is already too much—adding expectations around proposals just extends the craziness in a (probably) unhealthy way. You're committing to spending your life with someone, which is a really beautiful—and also scary—thing. The last thing you should be worrying about is how toned your arms look.
Whether or not you're prepping for a proposal, keep this in mind: You are enough, exactly as you are. The person you end up with should care about you more than the way you look. So take a deep breath, eat food that makes you feel good, and find healthy habits that work for you year-round... not just when you're posting that perfect photo.
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16 Dating Strategies to Be Your Best Self (and Avoid Being a Dick)
The most classic, useless dating advice of all time—which you've undoubtedly heard countless times from your mom, magazines, and self-help books—is to just "be yourself." The idea here is that if you're just super authentically you, everything will go right! You'll find a boyfriend, girlfriend, make-out buddy, lifetime partner… whatever it is you're looking for.
You might also like But this advice doesn't effing work. When you go on a first date, it's easy to come across as nervous or brash. If you do nothing more than "be yourself," odds are good that you'll end up seeming aloof, awkward, or a bit of a dick. Instead, why not choose to be the best version of you? We all fudge things a little bit on the first date or out at the bar. (I've definitely tried to put on fake eyelashes pre-date, only to glue them to my cheek instead). Sometimes we try to present a more polished, outgoing version of ourselves, or act less serious and more low-maintenance than usual. Is that manipulative? Kinda. But you know what? That's OK.
So how can we be better than ourselves on a date? What are some strategies that can actually put the odds in our favor? With the help of Jess O'Reilly, Ph.D., of the sex and relationship blog Sex with Dr. Jess and Venus Nicolino, PsyD, (a.k.a. Dr. V of WeTV's Marriage Bootcamp), we've rounded up the best realistic, super-useful techniques and strategies that will help you out far more than "be yourself"—no offense to all the well-meaning moms out there.
1. Set your intention before the date.
Rather than considering what you want from the other person, go into the date thinking about what you want for yourself, Dr. V says. "Do you want to get to know someone new? Do you want to have an enjoyable evening out? Is this really just an excuse to try that new sushi place?" she asks. "Setting an intention grounds you, and it gives you something to fall back on if you start feeling anxious in the moment. Just remember to breathe. What really matters here isn't even the intention or the breathing, it's that you remembered to do it. You decided to stay present with yourself."
2. Are you a fan of masturbation? Awesome!
If you're not someone who falls asleep right after an orgasm, Dr. Jess advises you to mastubate before you go out the door. "Self-pleasure and self-esteem are positively correlated, so reach down there and give yourself a hand (or two)," she says. "When your body performs for you, whether through daily tasks, physical fitness, or sexual pleasure, you tend to feel better about its appearance and function."
3. If you're someone who has lots (and lots) of confidence, consider throwing in some self-deprecating humor.
Maybe you're already a confident person—like your close friends might lovingly refer to you as "a little extra." How can you tone it down to an attractive and harmonious balance of being confident without appearing overly arrogant? I've found that offering a bit of self-deprecating humor helps. As my roommate says, "Make fun of yourself before someone else can." A little joke can help break the ice and make you not look like a total douche. But be careful not to try out your amateur stand-up act on a date, Dr. V advises.
"Self-deprecating humor is OK in small—and I mean small—doses. As in one or two jokes," she says. "It's easy to go from seeming easy to connect with to being easy to pity, and pity is not the vibe you want to infuse in a date."
4. If you're on the opposite end of the spectrum and struggle with building confidence, write down compliments you receive (and give yourself five while you're at it).
"Most of us brush off compliments without a second thought, and in doing so, we overlook valuable opportunities to boost confidence and expand our sense of self," Dr. Jess says. "The next time someone pays you a compliment, take a moment to absorb it and scribble it down. By writing down what others say they like about you, you're training yourself to value and remember these positive thoughts. When you write things down, you trigger cells in the brain called the reticular activating system (RAS), which experts say help to filter important information."
Something that I've recommended my friends do before dates (and I've been on a lot—over 300, to be precise) is a tactic I've used before: I look in the mirror and say five things out loud that I like about myself. Focusing on my positive attributes rather than worrying about my insecurities or perceived imperfections makes me feel instantly better.
Confidence is attractive, so find a way that works for you to shelve your insecurities for the evening, because if you tell a person enough times that you're "not pretty enough" or "not smart enough," they're going to perceive you that way. Dr. Jess offers a confidence-boosting tactic that might work better for you: "Recall a time when you felt powerful. Perhaps it was in a boardroom, in the classroom, or on the dance floor. Visualize that moment to boost your confidence before a big date, presentation, or meeting."
5. And if you get genuinely, brain-meltingly anxious about dates, remember to use your rational brain first.
It can be helpful to identify the source of your nervousness and look at it from a more distanced perspective. "If your nervousness is intense and connected to a detrimental cognitive distortion—as in, you're plagued with thoughts like, My date is going to hate me. Every date I go on is a disaster—then it's time to use rational thought to assess this 'hot thought,'" says Dr. Jess. "Think about dates that weren't disasters. Make a mental inventory of the positive experiences and interactions you've had on previous dates so that you can formulate a more realistic thought. This can lead to thoughts like, It could go well, so I'm going to keep an open mind and just enjoy the experience."
6. Present the best version of yourself physically (as well as emotionally).
Yes, you should pick out a goddamn clean shirt instead of something you found crumpled on the floor—even if the crumpled version is more "authentically you." In person, there's no Facetune to makes you look 10x hotter than you actually are, so yeah, it's worthwhile to tidy it up and pick out something nice to wear.
"You don't want to mislead a date, but you certainly do want to showcase the best version of yourself," Dr. Jess says. While you shouldn't go and buy a whole new outfit based on what you think your date might like (that's getting creepy), it's OK to consider their style. If you know their Instagram, it's not a bad idea to check it out ahead of time—this is just a form of knowing your audience. You can see what your date is into, what they like, and what style they might go for. You shouldn't completely change yourself to be attractive for the other person, but if you notice that they tend to always wear black jeans and you happen to own a pair, there's nothing wrong with opting for a pair of your black jeans instead of blue.
7. Keep it positive—and yes, keep it light.
Dating is meant to be a fun way to get to know another person. You may have some skeletons in the closet or a personality disorder, but your first encounter isn't the appropriate time to talk about your dope-addicted brother or your buckets full of daddy issues. Too much information can be perceived as high maintenance and off-putting—if you're going to work out, there will be time to create trust and open up on a deeper level without fear of being judged or brushed off, but your first happy hour convo ain't the time or place to get deep. People can be very snooty about small talk—"Oh, it's so fake, I prefer genuine interaction." Sure. But if you master small talk, you can subtly assess if you're interested in someone—without spilling your guts everywhere.
8. Ask a bunch of questions.
If you meet someone you really like who's outdoorsy, sure, you could pretend that you're really into spending time in the wilderness—even if the closest you've ever gotten to nature is drinking cocktails on the beach. And the truth is, this isn't always the worst tactic: If you're open to trying what they're into, you may open yourself up to experiences you'll enjoy. This could be the start of you discovering that hey, you actually like kayaking, or whatever.
But there's an easier path: Just ask your date tons of questions about their interests. People love to talk about themselves, and this way, you don't have to pretend you know about something you don't, which can be stressful, frankly.
"If someone you're super into is into something you don't give a f*ck about, you can still ask them about it," Dr. V says. "Why do they like it? What do they get from it? How does it make them feel? Instead of trying to bullsh*t your way through talking about something you know nothing about, you've just created an opportunity to really get to know this person better and connect with them. Which is never wrong. And who knows, maybe you never knew just how fascinating 18th century Welsh cheesemaking really is."
9. Focus on what you like.
Look, maybe she chews with her mouth open or he's an incessant foot-tapper who openly admits to listening to Nickelback on repeat. If you're getting instant there's-no-chemistry-here vibes (or worse, red flags), then don't go on a second date—or cut your first one short. But if the person just has an annoying habit or three, try to keep an open mind: There could be a really awesome person in there, one whose good qualities might overshadow any annoying behaviors. So ignore the urge to be judgy or bitchy—even if you've had three mimosas already at brunch.
10. Do your dating homework.
One-liners are so retro, and only in the bad way. If you've ever been on the receiving end of a pick-up line, you know that you just end up feeling creeped out. Avoid the creepiness factor by asking fun questions instead. Personally, I like to use ice breakers or games to get to know a date. My favorite tried-and-true question is, "Which type of tree would you be and why?" Big takeaway: People usually pick a tree and list desirable qualities and characteristics that they believe they possess and are proud of. Small takeaway: You know what kind of tree you should gift them on their next birthday (and planting a tree is just a nice thing to do).
You can navigate awkward silences by mentioning your favorite "dad joke" and asking theirs, or even asking them what their favorite snack is to eat whilst binge watching Dawson's Creek on Netflix (Coconut Oreo thins, hands down). If you're anxious about a date, it's a good idea to come up with a bunch of good questions ahead of time to give yourself opportunities for discussion if your conversation dies down naturally.
11. Ditch the "wait three days to text" game and let yourself be vulnerable.
"Do you like it when people play games with you? Look, if you want to put less pressure on yourself and your date, forget all the stupid f*cking games," Dr. V says. "One of the Big Lies of dating is that 'The One Who Cares Less Is The One Who Wins,' when in reality, the less you care about a relationship, the less you get from it. Think about it: Has pretending to care less than you really do ever gotten you more? Would you pull that sh*t at work or school? Of course not. So don't be afraid to text first."
Dr. V explains that if you try to act differently than the way you really feel, you're either going to come off as crazy, as a jerk, or as a crazy jerk. "The appropriate amount of interest to show is no more and no less than the amount of interest you feel. The least cool thing you can do is to try and 'play it cool.' It's OK for the person you've just gone on a date with to know you like them—being upfront about that is its own kind of sexy confidence. Besides, the sooner they know you like them, the sooner you'll have an answer to that eternal question of dating, 'Should I stay or should I go?' So don't wait to text back. Real vulnerability takes courage, and courage is pretty damn sexy."
12. Be persistent (but don't cross into being pushy).
If you just had an amazing time with someone and don't want it to end, tell the person how much you enjoyed the date and offer up a nightcap or second date. If the other person politely declines, leave it there for the night—if you try too aggressively to get someone home with you or to go out with you again, it's a massive turn-off, and you'll blow any future potential. Instead, just thank them for the evening. Seeing your graceful reaction might even turn things around after the other person has a few days to think.
Kari Langslet is an avid dater, impulsive adventurer, unofficial therapist to friends and family, and animal lover. You'll usually find her at a dive bar playing Jenga with her dog or headbanging into oblivionat a Brooklyn show. Stalk her on Instagram and Twitter @karilangslet.
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Why Do People Cheat—and Are We Wired To?
Cuffing season, wedding season, summer flings, biological clocks, midlife affairs—pop culture and peer pressure often make us feel as though love, sex, and relationships are all supposed to happen to everyone at a prescribed time and in just the right order. And when they don't, the problem isn’t that one-size-fits-all relationship boxes are silly, it’s that you must be doing it wrong. But that's not reality. In fact, not all people are meant to be in monogamous, long-term relationships all of the time—and there’s a whole body of scientific evidence to prove that.
You might also like Are you one of those people? Is your significant other? What do you even do with that knowledge? Here, therapist Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW, founder of the Changing Marriage Institute and co-author of The New "I Do," and sexual relationship therapist Joe Kort, Ph.D., help us comb through the research to get to what matters.
How Our Ancestors Got Us Here
You’ve probably heard the standard evolutionary biology theory that females seek stable, long-term commitment from males because child-rearing leaves them vulnerable. Males, by contrast, seek to spread their seed far and wide. But males in some species have evolved to be monogamous nonetheless. That could be in order to prevent other males from killing their offspring, as one group of anthropologists recently posited. Another team of anthropologists looking at the same data decided that fear of infanticide isn’t the primary motivator; rather, the geographical distance between fertile females motivates mammals to stick to one partner.
Obviously, humans are driven by more than a biological imperative, and these theories don’t exactly take into account LGBTQ relationships. Evolutionary theories should really be seen as only a tiny part of the larger puzzle, given that we no longer have to worry about survival in the same way as our ancestors did—and haven't for a long time. Still, there are ways in which therapists see these concepts play out in couples regardless of gender.
Kort says that his male clients, whether in gay or straight marriages, more frequently seek to have open relationships or extramarital affairs than the women do.
"I'm inclined to think it's testosterone," Kort says, before countering his own theory by adding, "The newer thinking is, men just have more permission and women have not. Women are gaining permission, and that might change."
Gadoua also says that more of the men she works with wind up cheating than women do. And one slightly horrifying habit—which may or may not be part of an evolutionary drive—is what she's seen in new parents.
"After a baby is born, that's a high-risk time for men to be having an affair," she says. "I've seen something happen to men where they don't want to be tied down."
Motherhood has the opposite effect on some of Kort’s clients. "I frequently see this in my practice—where a couple is open, they're having kinky sex, open sex, poly sex, or whatever. Then a child is born, and the woman tends to not want to do that anymore. It's very disconcerting to the guy. It’s not at all the same in gay couples."
But perhaps payback comes later: Gadoua has seen couples in which women in their 60s wanted extramarital relationships. "When women enter menopause, their estrogen levels go down," she explains. "The estrogen is the caretaking hormone. One of my clients said, 'I'm tired of taking care of everyone else. I want my time.'"
Additionally, the idea that more men than women cheat may be changing as our culture rapidly changes. Given that more and more women work—and are achieving positions of power in their work—there's evidence to suggest that these demographics are shifting, and the cheating gender gap is closing, says Alexandra Stockwell, MD.
"There many reasons for this—including that coworkers get to know one another well and often spend more time together than spouses do," she says.
Genetic Hall Pass
While evolution may have passed down the notion of monogamy to some of us, that’s certainly not universal. Aside from the fact that many cultures practice polygamy, the evidence that some of us may be geared toward multiple partners is also in our genes. One study found that people with a specific type of dopamine (the pleasure-reward neurotransmitter) receptor gene reported being more sexually promiscuous and were 50 percent more likely to cheat on a spouse.
Scientists in Finland also looked at a gene that's responsible for receptors of vasopressin (a hormone associated with partner bonding, and also peeing), and observed that having lots of vasopressin receptors correlated with women's infidelity—but not men’s.
"The research is clearer and clearer that we are wired to be nonmonogamous," Kort says. "We make choices to be monogamous on purpose for children, for family, for property."
Gadoua notes that her patients’ parents have also strongly influenced their views on relationships. "Parents unconsciously say or do things that give children the idea that they don't really have to commit, or the opposite," she says. Perhaps the parents do that because they're wired to as well.
Money Matters
A recent study in Wales tested how perceptions of wealth might influence men and women to want long- or short-term relationships. After being shown photos of mansions, jewelry, fancy cars, and gold, the test subjects were asked to rate photos of models based on whether they would choose them for long-term, short-term, or no relationships—basically a lab version of "F---, Marry, Kill." Both men and women chose significantly more short-term partners than the control group that just saw photos of potted plants and groceries.
While hardly definitive, this study may indicate that notions of wealth make us more likely to consider cheating. Let's not overstate the causality here: Research doesn’t show that income leads to cheating, but this study does offer some evidence to suggest that they may be related.
"If somebody is worried about having enough food on the table and shelter and whatnot, they're going to be less likely to have unstable relationships," Gadoua reasons. "But if somebody has their basic needs met and they aren't worried about paying the bills, then they do tend to think about luxuries and having more choice in their life."
But there's also some unfortunate news in a study that shows men who aren't the primary breadwinners in hetero marriages are more likely to cheat. Gadoua has seen this happen with clients: It seems that some men still subscribe to the old definition of masculine identity, meaning being the household's main provider.
"Having an affair may be a way to get some validation that they're not getting from the workplace," she says of these men. The good news is that younger couples seem to have a better handle on this.
"Now, younger people are waiting until they've got their life pretty solid on their own and then making the decision to get married," Gadoua says. "I definitely think that if any couple can have a conversation about expectations in roles and contributions prior to getting married, they will do much better."
Thumbs Up to Polyamory and Open Marriages
Kort has observed gay male couples, in particular, having successful open relationships. A search through research databases turns up a lot of studies about men’s sexual agreements, often with regard to how this relates to their risk of contracting HIV/AIDS. (Spoiler alert: The factor here is whether they have safe sex, not necessarily their level of monogamy—of course, some monogamous couples cheat.)
Judging by the (sadly few) scientific studies about the quality of open and polyamorous relationships, the outlook is good. A survey at the University of Quebec demonstrated that there are no differences in relationship satisfaction, sexual satisfaction, trust, or commitment between people in polyamorous, open, or monogamous relationships.
In terms of biological differences, both men and women who prefer to have multiple partners have been found to have higher levels of testosterone than those who prefer having a one-and-only. However, let's remember to take this with a grain of salt—higher testosterone levels may be part of a motivation but don't lead to the behavior itself.
So How Can We Use This Science in Our Own Lives?
"It absolutely can help you have more honesty and transparency in your relationship," Gadoua says. "If you know before you go into a committed relationship that you're not good at monogamy, for example, and you say to the other person, 'This is something I know about myself, so I'm willing to be monogamous right now, but I don't know that I always will be able to,' then that person has the choice to get married or not. If you do know this about yourself and you don't share it, and then you act out later on by having multiple affairs, you've just caused a ton of wreckage."
For anyone on the other end of that conversation—if you’re someone who wants a completely monogamous commitment, this is your chance to proceed with caution or keep shopping for someone who wants the same. It doesn’t sound romantic, but open communication may be the key to happiness.
Sabrina Rojas Weiss lives in Brooklyn, surrounded by her fellow freelance writers and competitive stroller-pushers. Follow her on Twitter @shalapitcher.
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Why We Stay With People Who Are Bad for Us
I'm grateful to know a lot of smart, capable women. Sadly, many of these smart, capable women have committed themselves to guys who are clueless, emotionally unavailable, or just plain jerks. How does this happen so often?
Of course, hetero ladies aren't the only ones who deal with this phenomenon—this problem runs across all lines of gender and sexuality. No matter who you are or who you're attracted to, it's more than plausible that you've gotten together with someone who's straight-up bad for you (and probably on more than one occasion).
You might also like Why do we do this? How do lovely people wind up with such unlovely mates? I spoke with a range of psychologists and relationship experts to find out the mystery behind why we so often end up with bad partners and why it's so hard to leave—even when we know it's not working.
Everything's Scary
One of the simplest reasons people stay with bad partners is this: fear. Sometimes it's easy to think, If this doesn't work out, maybe nothing will. So they stay with a less-than-ideal partner to avoid the possibility of loneliness.
A study from the University of Toronto found that participants with a stronger fear of being alone were more likely to settle for a crappy relationship. And although we stereotypically picture guys as commitment-phobic or marriage-averse, it turns out they're just as scared of a never-ending single life—this study showed that the fear of being alone drove both men and women equally.
The idea of breaking up with a bad mate doesn't just bring up the fear of being alone: You have to deal with the potentially horrible, frightening prospect of dating again. "For some, dating can even be depressing," says licensed mental health counselor Shani Graves. "We'd rather silently suffer in a relationship that gives a sense of companionship than start all over again."
No matter who you are, dating is hard. You have to experience weird small talk; potentially rude, unpleasant, or even creepy people; and that one guy who will go out of his way to call you ugly and awkward when you reject him (which, yeah—that's a personal, true-life tale). So when you combine the mess of dating and the scariness of being alone, you get a whole ton of fear. And that fear keeps couples together that should have parted long ago.
It's Easy
It's easy to see a relationship from the outside and say, "Just leave her! She's been trying to make it as an amateur DJ for ten years! For the love of God, just go!"
But think of it from the other side: In a long-term relationship, a breakup is tough, and not just emotionally. "There are many everyday reasons for staying—convenience, routine, stability, habit, etc," says clinical psychologist David Woodsfellow, Ph.D. "All of these are real—and important. These should not be underestimated or downplayed."
There's a lot of hard work that goes into a breakup. You probably have to move out, separate your things, and become completely financially independent again. Maybe your partner used to always handle the taxes. Well, no more. Time to get your own CPA and slog through a pile of 1099s!
It's even more complicated if you have pets. Who gets the dog? Will Puppy McRuffles have to stay weekends at your ex's house or can you just keep him? Then there's friends. Can you still hang out with "their" friends? Will they cut you out of their life because of the breakup? Will it be weird if your old friends still want to keep in contact with him?
Oh, and family. You probably met their family. In fact, they might be just as (maybe more) important to you as your own blood relatives. After a breakup though, that newfound family probably won't be around to support you.
And good God, kids. If you have kids, it's a whole new world of complication.
So you already have to split your life in two and you have the added stress of explaining your choice to everyone around you. "There is the perception that you have to justify your reasons for ending the relationship to others—friends, family—in a way that makes sense to them," says Lesli Doares, relationship coach, author, and radio host of Happily Ever After is Just the Beginning. She feels that couples sometimes stay together partially because they don't want to explain why they'd rather be apart.
Doares goes on to say that the pressure from friends, family, and society to stay together is hard to overcome. And when you add in all the physical and emotional separation that occurs with every breakup, a lot of people don't want to go through that pain. So they stay together with someone they know isn't right simply because it's easier.
Throwing In Good Time After Bad
"The No. 1 reason I see women stay in terrible relationships is because of return on investment—ROI," says relationship expert and life coach Kali Rogers. We don't often think of relationships in Shark Tank terms, but the idea of getting a good return on our investment of time is what keeps lots of relationships together for much too long. "Once we've put so much time, effort, love, and attention into anything—we want to see the results we believe we are entitled to," Roger says. "It's much harder to cut your losses and walk away than it is to stay and put in one more hand."
A study published in Current Psychology agrees that people are likely to keep throwing in good time after bad; participants were asked to imagine a bad relationship and decide whether they should stay or go. The longer the relationship, the more likely the participants would opt to stay.
Rogers says the same idea that keeps couples together is what keep gamblers at the poker table. Some think, I've lost a ton of money, but this next hand just might make everything right again! In relationships, we think, Yeah, those last five years were garbage, but maybe this year I can finally make it right!
It's hard to give up when you've spent years of your life on another person. And for some, it's just too hard to let that all go and start again from scratch.
The Boiling Frog Theory
Some relationships are a bit like the hypothetical frog in a pot. If the frog jumps into boiling water, it'll jump right out. But if the frog is sitting in the water and it slowly comes to a boil, the frog will sit there and happily get boiled alive while thinking, Yeah, things are definitely staying the same in here.
I may have added a bit of color to the story (also, it's not true, but does make for a nice little parable). But it's easy for us non-frogs to behave this way. "When entrenched, we're so involved fighting fire every day, it's hard to realize you're in hell," says clinical psychologist and executive coach Perpetua Neo, DClinPsy, MPhil. "This is akin to the frog in boiling water concept. As the heat gets turned up, you get used to having your boundaries trampled upon and your standards eroded as your new normal."
This is especially true if low self-esteem is one of the things keeping a person in a poor relationship. "We don't believe we deserve better," says Neo. "Relationships can shine a light on our deepest insecurities, and most of us, to some extent, feel we aren't good enough and are plagued by that."
That deep-seated self-hatred can be made worse by a toxic relationship. An abusive partner can make you feel insignificant, stupid, and unloveable. Then, they'll turn around and claim that they're the only one who could possibly love you as you are. This type of gaslighting and emotional manipulation is common—and it works. When you already feel like a worthless person, it's easier to stay with someone who reminds you of how worthless you are, according to Neo.
This erosion of self-esteem and happiness doesn't happen overnight, of course. It's slow… slow enough for you to get used to bad behavior and unhappiness. So slow that you might think, Yeah, things are definitely staying the same here, as the water starts to boil.
Try to Change the Past… by Repeating It
Our past has a huge impact on our present relationships. So, if there's unresolved trauma from years ago, it's likely that trauma's going to pop up again in the present day.
Sometimes, people get in bad relationships because they don't know any better. Bessel van der Kolk, M.D., has theorized that experiencing violence as children directly correlates to experiencing violence in marriage.
"People who are exposed early to violence or neglect come to expect it as a way of life," he writes. This is true for children who witness marital violence or kids that were abused themselves. In both scenarios, love and violence are intertwined, and totally outside of the child's control. As an adult, that person still sees a connection between love and violence, and can feel completely helpless as to how to stop it.
This is true for violent and non-violent relationships. If your parents fought all the time and had a horrible marriage, you are more likely to have couple troubles yourself. Woodsfellow says that people often stay in relationships to replay a significant moment from childhood. This kind of replaying is our weird way of trying to work through trauma from the past. Sometimes, it helps us come to terms with bad things from childhood. Other times, we just repeat the same mistakes, according to Woodsfellow.
Sometimes, we repeat trauma in an attempt to "fix it." According to relationship therapist Rhonda Milrad, LCSW, "You seek out someone who treats you badly with the unconscious desire to win them over and get them to change their behavior toward you. You are trying to affect in your current relationship what did not not happen in your childhood." So if you can fix your boyfriend and make him love you, maybe you can fix your dad and make him love you, too, this line of thinking goes.
"The problem is that you cannot change another person, only yourself," Rogers says. Often, the more you try to change your partner, the more you get back the same obnoxious or abusive behavior that scarred you in the first place.
No matter how hard you may try, you can't make a person change. Sure, you might be able to train someone to quit leaving their socks all over the living room floor, but you can't "fix" them. But there's still hope, says Woodsfellow. "Of course, you can't force someone else to change, but I think it's sometimes a good thing to ask someone to change something," he says. "I think that kind of mutual influence is part of a healthy marriage." But if you're with someone who doesn't want to work on themselves, change, or grow, then that faraway hope that you could be the one to "save" someone can be so captivating, it makes it even harder to let that bad partner go.
That's All Depressing. Are We Doomed to Stay in Bad Relationships?
Finally, some good news: You absolutely can leave a bad relationship. It just takes a lot of courage and support. Milrad stresses the importance of a support system, friends, and family, as a way to get out of a bad situation. If you have people to help you through the tough times, it will be so much easier to leave.
Also, you have to take a look at yourself: Are you attracting the same type of bad person over and over? Are you using relationships to replay past trauma? Are you a "fixer?" Rogers says you need "an awareness of what issue you are trying to work through to stop repeating it in a similar pattern with subsequent relationships." Thankfully, with help from friends and possibly some therapy, you can isolate those scars of the past and ensure you don't keep repeating them in your future.
And it's a good idea to examine your own issues and hang-ups that may be contributing to your relationship being less-than-optimal. "In many long-term relationships, both parties contribute to the difficulties," Woodsfellow says. "Yes, sometimes you're innocent and your partner is to blame. But while that's sometimes true, it's not always true. Sometimes, it's worth trying to change a problem and change your own reactions before concluding that things are hopeless."
Overall, just remember this: You deserve happiness. You deserve love. And if you aren't getting that from your current relationship, you deserve to leave.
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