HEALTH BUZZ

Why Screwing Up Your New Year's Resolutions Could Change Your Life for the Better

At the start of December 2015, I was preparing for my full transformation into an organized, energized achiever. The me I'd been my whole life—the woman who wore perpetually hot sauce-stained jeans and had developed a charming rash of unknown origin on her left ankle—would step aside, and let a kitten-heeled, Economist-reading, compost-making goddess take the reins. She'd be capable and organized, and I bet she could whip up a holistic remedy for that rash too.

I suspected that this transfer of power would be a hostile takeover, so I spent the better part of the month preparing myself for the challenge. I mapped out the life I wanted for myself, writing down more than 100 resolutions across fourteen categories. My goals ranged from the grandiose (write a memoir!) to the mundane (organize the apartment!).

In Google Drive, I created my own utopia, with pie charts to map my progress, a color-coded daily schedule, and fourteen folders full of possibilities. Go ahead, check out a few of my completely achievable life goals for 2015:

RESPONSIBLE LIVING

1. Take an online class on sustainability.

2. Make my own toothpaste (cross-check with "Physical Self" folder for how many times per week you're supposed to brush your teeth).

3. Start an online magazine about sustainable travel.

4. Figure out what sustainable travel actually is.

5. Make compost.

PHYSICAL SELF

1. Become a yoga teacher.

2. Go to yoga two times in a row without feeling like you're dying.

3. Wear more red lipstick (cross-check with "Sustainability" folder for vegan makeup brands with recycled packaging).

4. Make your own clothes.

5. Find all the buttons missing from three of your coats (cross-check with "Home" folder for where the f*ck those buttons might be).

6. Learn how to sew on a button without massive blood loss.

Some of the resolutions were more poignant. Another folder was full of longing for closeness with my clan, which was—and remains—spread across three continents.

FAMILY

1. Call grandma in Russia once a week.

2. Take guitar lessons with Dad over Skype.

3. Plan a trip to see Cousin Anya in Amsterdam before she has the baby.

With so many hours spent anticipating the enormous successes that were just around the corner, New Year's Eve felt miraculous. "Bring it," I whispered as the clock struck twelve. And the next morning, I got to work: I clung to my schedule, ticking off boxes of fulfilled obligations. My apartment was practically spotless, I went to yoga, I signed up for an online course entitled "Introduction to Sustainability," I called my mom almost every day, and I started a new editing job. I even made my boyfriend breakfast, although it was admittedly a kind of pumpkin mush that he could only describe as "not soup." The first few weeks were promising... at least on paper.

How I actually felt was a different story. Obsessing over getting through my daily to-do lists, I barely left my apartment. Unplanned meetings with friends or long meandering walks were out of the question. I called my grandma out of obligation, usually as I hurried to a yoga class. Keeping the apartment spotless left no time for lipstick or kitten heels. I was stressed and disconnected, feeling only the occasional jolt of relief when the day was over, never in the process of actually performing the tasks I'd decided were so important.

Week by week, I began to slide into a full-on, slow-motion resolutions failure. It was like tripping on the sidewalk, taking an embarrassing, wobbly five steps, then hitting the pavement full force. Within nine weeks, the pie charts and the schedule were abandoned. Yoga soon followed, as did the “Introduction to Sustainability” course, as well as any attempts at homemaking.

I'm still afraid that they don't know the real me, and one day they'll discover that the person they love is actually twelve weasels in a Masha costume.

Having invested so much time, energy, and hope into this transformation, I felt devastated and guilty. Why did sticking to my resolutions feel just as terrible as abandoning them? Why in the world was there no joy in becoming who I wanted to be?

In the many months since, I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out why my plan failed so miserably. I read books like Anita Moorjani's Dying To Be Me, Wayne Dyer's Inspiration: Your Ultimate Calling, and poured over Louise Hay's website. I also tried meditation, and while that usually just turned into naptime, it also gave me space for introspection. In the end, I learned that my color-coded schedule was jinxed from the get-go. Basically, if my gigantic Near Year's Eve resolution had been a building, it would have been condemned before I lay down the first brick.

Screwing Up Resolutions Aside from the fact that my New Year's resolutions actively violated laws of time and physics, my biggest obstacle was this: I believed that once I became a person worthy of accepting, then I would accept myself. It seems logical, but there's a catch—if I believed that I didn't deserve to feel good, then how could I ever feel good? If I didn't matter, then nothing I did could matter, either.

Once I made this realization, I looked to see which of my resolutions were jeopardized by a lack of self-love. The answer was "many." One of the most raw and painful realizations came when I looked at my relationships. My family has always been on my side, offering support and love no matter what was going on in my life. But I still don't talk to them as often or as intimately as I want to. Why? Because I'm still afraid that they don't know the real me, and one day they'll discover that the person they love is actually twelve weasels in a Masha costume.

This imposter feeling has kept me from my friends too. I convinced myself they were better off without me, despite their loving emails and phone calls. The feeling kept me from pursuing my writing, from experimenting with photography, making collages out of tissue paper... and a million other things. And that feeling has been my companion for a very long time.

One thing I do love about myself is my resilience. Once I untangled the mess I had made of my resolutions, I came up with a new plan, a better plan, with just one resolution for 2017: accept my value as a human being, just the way I am.

Why did sticking to my resolutions feel just as terrible as abandoning them?

So how does one go about learning to accept herself? I had no f*cking idea, so I began by accepting my love for ticking off boxes and making lists. I swapped out my folders of cross-posted resolutions for a small notebook, where every day, I write down the things that made me feel good, self-loving actions that I took, and any evidence I found that the universe doesn't hate me.

Sometimes it's really easy fill in the blanks: a friend paying me a compliment, buying myself flowers, receiving praise at work. Other days, I really have to scrape the bottom of the barrel ("took a shower" has made it on the list a few times) but without fail, every time I add something to the list, I feel better.

I've made small shifts that feel big. I tossed a pair of boots that looked great but made me want to chop off my feet to stop the pain. I leave parties the second I'm bored, raising a few eyebrows in the process. I've started to open up to my family about my feelings of inadequacy. Sometimes the most loving thing I can do is turn down a fun offer because finishing my work feels better than playing hooky. Sometimes I blow off work for an afternoon cuddle with my boyfriend and our cat. Anytime a panicked voice screams, "But what about all the things!" I remind myself that as far as self-improvement goes, my only job is to do what feels good.

I've also stopped defending myself. A year ago, had my boyfriend made an accurate observation about me being messy, I would have made him sit through a presentation on why that's simply not true. These days, I gleefully respond with a "yep!" as I fish cookie crumbs out of my bra. It's incredibly liberating.

I Replaced Drinking With Running, but the Results Weren’t What You’d Think

For a while there, obsessing over every detail of running—from mile split times to foam roller techniques—allowed me to ignore what was going wrong with my life. At one point, I did nothing but work and run. I was grumpy on rest days, and positively euphoric after weekend 20 milers. Perhaps I thought that if I ran far enough, I would actually find happiness. But I found that it isn’t enough to do something that’s perceived as a "healthy" activity… you also have to be performing that activity for healthy reasons.

Eighteen months ago, I moved to Paris, France, to begin the next stage of my career. While this may sound terribly glamorous, my first months weren’t taken up with long picnics on the banks of the Seine or checking out masterworks at the Louvre.

It turns out that it’s nearly impossible to rent an apartment in Paris without first providing three months of French pay stubs… which of course you can’t have until you’ve been working there for three months. This Catch-22 forced me to spend my paychecks—and nearly every waking moment—moving from hotels to hostels to overpriced AirBnBs, frantically emailing people in a second language, and trying not to get scammed by weirdos on Craigslist. Wine, cheese, and the Edith Piaf museum would have to wait.

The work I had moved to Paris for was very rewarding, but ultimately lonely. I was working with children, which was wonderful, but also meant that I spent full days chatting exclusively with the under-10 set. This made me feel like I wasn’t getting any social nourishment; my work didn’t introduce me to any adults I could try to befriend, or even just have the occasional grown-up conversation with.

My life had no balance; I had no enjoyment other than putting one foot in front of the other.

I'm hardly an extrovert, and have always relied on my friends to introduce me to other people. If I had looked harder (or um, at all), I'm sure there were plenty of expat meetups I could have attended, or French-English conversational groups I could have joined. But new social situations intimidate me; to be honest, I probably wouldn’t have gone even if someone had pressed a flyer for a "New in Town English Speakers’ Meet-and-Greet Event" right into my hand.

I had a history of relying on alcohol as a social lubricant to ease my anxieties about interacting with people, especially new ones. So it wasn’t a massive leap to find a new role for drinking in my life; I took easily to the feeling of numbness that alcohol could bring, and the way it could stop my negative internal monologue.

I Stopped Drinking and Started Running, But I Was More Miserable Than Ever My days became very simple: I would get up, go to work, come home, and then drink until I passed out. Some nights I would feel enlivened and would play some music—the early 2000s indie hits undoubtedly annoyed my neighbors—and dance around my tiny apartment. Some nights I would sink into the sofa and cry between gulps.

Staying in touch with old friends from home became the only thing that kept me going. I don't know if any of them knew anything was wrong, but some of them probably suspected it; after all, I was supposed to be living the high life in a new, amazing city, not pinging them on Facebook messenger all day.

I can't really say why I decided to do it, but one night, I asked an old friend, a nurse, for some advice about problem drinking. At this point, I didn't really need any confirmation that what I was doing wasn’t good for me, and the validation she provided was hardly what you’d call a comfort, but by sharing this thought and agreeing that something needed to be done, I felt bound to my friend to honor my word.

In the end, I realized that I had just swapped one obsession for another.

This is how I found myself sitting in AA a couple of weeks before my 23rd birthday. Although I knew I was taking a positive step toward regaining control of my life, I also felt despair about how I had gotten to this point. When it came to the sharing part of the session, I just wanted to break down in tears. The stories the others had shared—primarily about their years of sobriety and how they had turned their lives around—were inspiring, but also really daunting.

Having given up my main pastime, I decided I needed something new to keep me busy. I had been a runner in college and had completed my first marathon a year earlier, but I felt out of practice. I knew that exercise would benefit me, and give me some structure and purpose... and so started my next addiction.

I would spend my evenings pouring over running websites for tips, training plans, and nutritional advice. I ate the same three meals per day: fruit and yogurt in the morning, pasta with vegetables and boiled eggs for lunch, and a lentil curry for dinner. Every day, no meat, no sugar, no fun. I would allow myself a small treat or two a week, but gradually felt more and more guilty about it.

The Resolution You Need to Make Before Setting Other Goals, Otherwise You’ll Fail Miserably

A few years ago my client Sara came to me mid-January and said, “My resolution is that by next year I can finally make a resolution other than lose weight.”

I asked her why she didn’t just make a different resolution this year, and she said it was because she really, really needed to lose 20 pounds first. I asked Sara how long she had been making the same resolution to lose the same 20 pounds, and after thinking about it, she answered, “About 15 years.” Then she grabbed her belly, looked me dead in the eye, and said, "This just needs to go away.”

Many people think getting motivated to reach a goal requires this kind of tough-love shaming. It's the basis for most fitness and fat-loss advertising, and we see it everywhere. Today’s no-excuses fitness memes are just the updated version of a drill sergeant screaming in your face. They both operate under the assumption that you need to be shamed into improving.

Despite the fact that studies have shown shame has a negative effect on motivation, most people continue to use it when they set goals. This creates a vicious cycle: People use shame to motivate their goals, but shame decreases motivation, which means most fail to reach their goal, and then end up with... ? You guessed it: more shame.

By the time Sara walked into my gym that day, she had 15 years of heavy shame weighing down her goal to lose weight. I flat out told her she was going to fail again if she kept the same goal and suggested she make her goal forgiveness for not having lost it yet.

“That's all you want me to do?” she asked dubiously. I laughed, because, yes. That’s it.

I told Sara that next year if she wanted to put "lose weight” back on her resolution list, I would not only support her, but I would make sure she finally succeeded. This year, though, she needed to focus on forgiveness and compassion. Sara balked, admitting she was afraid to let go. Why? Because she felt that her resolution was the only thing keeping her from blowing up like a balloon and gaining even more weight.

Maybe this sounds familiar to you: Year after year you have the same goal. Each year it gets harder to believe you’ll ever accomplish it, and each year you feel more shame that it goes unaccomplished.

Reframing Your Resolution

Trying harder is not the solution. Making resolutions from a place of shame will always end in failure. The way to make a resolution that will actually stick is to let it go for a while and work on forgiving yourself for being where you are. Eventually you can swing back to pursuing your goal. But if you want to succeed, it has to come from a place of compassion.

Making resolutions from a place of shame will always end in failure.

I’ll admit, this action plan is easier said than done. Finding self-compassion is a difficult quest, and the idea of forgiving yourself for being in an undesirable situation can seem outright laughable. But while it might take a lot more self-reflection and exploration than counting calories and drinking green juices, compassion and forgiveness are the secret pathways to successful goal setting in any area of your life. Here’s how to get started.

1. Explore your dissatisfaction with compassion, not shame.

Start by identifying the area where you’re stuck or dissatisfied in your life and approach it with compassion. This step can be difficult for people like Sara, who felt sure that shame about her weight was the only thing standing in the way of gaining more weight.

It takes a lot of courage, patience, and self-reflection to release the belief that self-shaming is helping you stay in control. If you struggle with this step, I encourage you to honestly examine how that tactic has worked for you so far. Has it helped you reach your goals? Are you ready to try a new way?

2. Forgive yourself.

Once you’re able to embrace compassion instead of shame, it’s time for the most important step: Figure out how to forgive yourself for being where you are right now. I sometimes call this step shame-busting. While shame-busting looks different for everyone, it’s often painful and utterly fraught with emotional baggage. Be prepared to face your demons and don’t be afraid to reach out for support during this phase.

Shame-busting requires two things: acceptance of the objective facts and willingness to subjectively reframe those facts in a more self-loving way. People often think they're accepting the facts when they shame themselves, but they're not.

Start by getting super clear on the actual facts. Separate your subjective stories (for instance, "I’m lazy and need to get in shape") from the facts ("This is my body today") and work to accept the literal truth of where you are. Don't be surprised if your objective list is short: You are here, in this body, right now. Try looking in the mirror every morning and repeating to yourself, "This is what I look like today."

You also need to reframe the subjective stories you tell yourself about how you got here, why you’re here, and what that means about who you are. The story you’ve believed so far is entirely subjective and must be rewritten to be kinder and more self-loving. It can be helpful to talk to people who love you. Tell them what you're working on reframing and ask for their help.

3. Ask yourself, “What if this were a gift?”

I know this sounds crazy—how could an extra 20 pounds be a gift?! Bear with me. Search for the gift in your struggle. You might be surprised to find that staying stuck has protected you from something you weren’t yet ready to handle, or that the change you’ve been trying to make actually goes against one of your highest values.

After weeks of contemplation and journaling, Sara came in one day with an answer to that question. Through tears, she told me that the extra weight she carried protected her from unwanted male attention, and that she was terrified of what would happen if she lost it and became (in her words) “traditionally attractive.” She also said that other women saw her as nonthreatening, because she wasn't skinny. The weight had helped attract a great number of kind and supportive women into her life. In short, those 20 pounds truly were a gift, and her subconscious was reluctant to part with them.

This is how rewriting your story gives you the opportunity to forgive yourself. Sara began to see that no matter how hard she tried to lose weight, she was always going to fail, because she valued safety and connection too highly.

No matter what your shame-based resolution might be, I assure you there is a very good reason you haven’t accomplished it yet. There always is. Once you find that reason, you will also find compassion and forgiveness, and be able to see the real work that needs to be done in order to move forward. For Sara, that work meant learning to feel safe in her skin, healing from an old trauma that made her believe male attention was dangerous, and trusting that losing weight wouldn’t drive away the female connections she held so dear.

Compassion and forgiveness aren’t only useful for getting you unstuck; you can also use them to help you set goals from the get-go. Ask yourself what gift your habit has been and offer yourself a replacement before attempting your goal.

Take smoking cigarettes, for example. If smoking offers you stress relief and common ground with friends, you’re going to need to adopt some new habits to fight stress and social awkwardness before your subconscious will let go of smoking.

By goal-setting from a place of compassion and forgiveness, you'll be armed with the tools you need to actually succeed.

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How to Get Over Your Fear of the Gym and Crush Your Health Goals

I know the story. You want to be about that fitness life 24/7, but you're ashamed of ~~something~~ everything, and you're paralyzed by that.

I get it. I've been there too. But to hell with that! Being terrified to walk into a gym is no reason to miss out on the unlimited value of being active. It's time for you to live up to your full badass potential! Here are my four foolproof ways to overcome guilt and shame associated with the gym so you can strut in there like you own the place and throw down on your health goals like a boss.

How to Get Over Your Fear of The Gym and Crush Your Health Goals

1. Ignore the 5 Percent

We have a tendency to assume everyone is worried about our perceived shortcomings—weight, age, gender, appearance, whatever. They must be saying, “I’d kill myself if I were as fat as her," "Gross, all these gay dudes are trying to take over the weights," and "God, there are just some things women shouldn’t do!”

You’re right. People do think these things. Some even have the audacity to say them. But what’s wrong with this line of thinking is that it leaves out what actually matters.

Let’s say your gym has 100 people in it. Because the universe hates you that day, five people say some extra foul sh*t to your face. You take their words to heart and run away from your health goals. But hang on. Do you hear what the other 95 people are saying?

*Silence*

They aren’t saying anything. They’re too busy fantasizing about waffles to care about you. They don’t hate you; they hate the StairMaster. Those evil looks are because you aren’t a pile of Five Guys fries (f*cking delicious-ass fries, BTW). Does it make any sense for the ignorant 5 percent to dictate 100 percent of your activities? (The answer is no.)

2. Ask for Help

Gym machines are on crack these days. Not only can they track your workout stats, but they can also guestimate your credit score, discover new dinosaur bones, and bake a fresh loaf of sourdough. It would be damn near impossible for a newbie not to be confused. And where there’s confusion, there’s embarrassment.

Gym machines are on crack these days. Not only can they track your workout stats, but they can also guestimate your credit score, discover new dinosaur bones and bake a fresh loaf of sourdough.

Lucky for you, most gyms have a great solution: a personal trainer. Before you start bitching and moaning about how much they cost, hear me out.

Option one: You bust it alone for months in all the wrong ways and seriously damage your body.

Option two: You schedule two or three sessions with someone who actually knows what a triceps is. They also teach you how to use equipment properly and efficiently. Wow! You’ll be amazed how much a little bit of knowledge can drive your confidence.

Hell, many gyms even offer a session or two for free with your membership. But even if they don’t, spending $200 on a trainer versus $20,000 in corrective surgery? C’mon, son. Hire a pro.

3. Get a Squad

There are three essential players you need in your get-fit squad: an asshole friend, a cheat-meal friend (CMF), and a you’ll-always-be-hot cheerleader.

The asshole friend is your trainer. And even though they'll be a pain, trainers are awesome (refer back to point No. 2).

Your CMF is your homie who drags themself to class with you and brings an extra hair tie. They’re also right next to you in line at Chipotle after class. You don’t go all the time, but when the carnitas call, your CMF doesn't throw shade. Extra guac and cheese? Only to balance out the extra five reps you both put in. Would your trainer approve of it? Nope, and that’s why you don’t have cheat meals with your trainer.

Just as important as the CMF is the you’ll-always-be-hot cheerleader. Mine is my boyfriend. He understands even divas aren't confident 24/7, so he’ll randomly snatch a big handful of ass to remind me that he loves that thang just the way it is. Until I meet said boyfriend, I throw on my highest pair of heels and marvel at my quads in the mirror. Dayum.

4. Be Someone Else’s Umbrella

Actor, singer, and poet Daniel Beaty once said, "Be all of you, so all of us can heal."

When all else fails, here's another reason to be yourself: Somewhere out there is someone who needs a role model. They desperately want permission to be their beautifully flawed selves, but they don't think they can withstand the sh*tstorm society throws at them.

You can be the person someone else looks up to. Don't dilute your personality to make it more palatable. F*ck that. Be all of you. Someone—maybe even someone you've never met—needs to see you in your circus freakhood and circus-freak struggle. Your freakhood is someone else's umbrella. Let them stand under it.

Above all, never forget your inherent value; the fact that you—right now, for real, no lie—are worthy of anything, especially getting to the gym and crushing every one of your health and fitness goals.

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Why You Might Want to Delete Your Fitness App, Even If It Works

Why I Deleted MyFitnessPal, Even Though It Worked I had mastered the art of feigning attention. I’d nod, lean forward, and open my eyes wide with interest, but the world felt blurry, almost underwater, as though everyone were speaking in the trombone voices of adults in Peanuts. Numbers were the only thing I paid attention to anymore, and they stacked on top of each other pristinely, forming a pyramid.

"One hundred for oatmeal," I’d think, flipping through my mental record of every calorie I’d encountered since waking up. "One hundred for Greek yogurt, maybe 50 for raspberries… let’s say 300 total, including that drizzle of honey."

I would then start planning what I’d have for lunch, accounting for every variable: Am I working out today? Will I walk home or take the subway? I’ve always preferred light dinners, but they became a game of guessing how low I could limbo to stay under my calorie cap.

The author smiling and looking to the right

It started at the beginning of summer. I wasn’t feeling my best; while I hadn’t exactly put on hibernating-bear levels of weight that winter, I was carrying 10 pounds that I felt I could do without. Visions of morning runs along the Charles River and mile-long walks to Trader Joe’s danced in my head, and I was looking forward to trimming down a little and feeling healthier overall.

So I chose a number—a reasonable-for-my-body 125 pounds—and became determined to get there.

Let it be said that nutrition and exercise are not new to me. In middle school, I became a vegetarian overnight after reading about how meat is produced. That pushed me to choose mindfully and think about the big picture of my diet. Empowered to learn more about food, I picked up a copy of Nutrition Action magazine, eagerly flipping through reports on sugar intake and FDA regulations. (Totally normal reading material for a middle schooler, right)? Within days of unpacking my bags as a freshman at Stanford, I found out about a major called Human Biology, and that was it: I signed on for four years of study about macronutrients and public health.

You would think that a health fanatic wouldn’t need help in the weight loss department. If you’ve written countless well-researched papers about everything from pedometers to the benefits of vitamin B12, you should probably know what comprises a healthy diet.

9 Dinner Salads That Won’t Leave You Hungry

How to Lose Weight Without Giving Up Carbs and Booze

I’m going to make an important list, and I suggest you take notes.

Dessert
Carbs
Alcohol
Eating after 8 p.m.
Sugar—of any kind
_____________

What else can you add that you've been told is bad? Maybe dairy, gluten, or non-organic foods?

Have your list? Good. This is a painting of your life. How does it look to you? A work of art? Something that makes you smile? Maybe that’s how some of you feel, but most of you don't like the way it looks. And that's a good thing.

Because that is a list of all the things I want you to keep in your life in 2017.

Confused? Don’t worry, I'm not drunk on leftover eggnog. I’m trying to break you of the mindset that does much more harm than good. The diet industry lives in an ocean of body negativity, twisted science, and behavioral Russian roulette. Step into the wrong extreme behavior, and who knows what the long-term consequences might be. I've watched far too many people start out innocently wanting to lose a few pounds in the New Year and come out frustrated and angry at themselves.

Not cool. Not fair. Not something I'm willing to stand for anymore. And you shouldn’t either.

Diet, nutrition, and any other food-related topic shouldn’t feel like Mission: Impossible. After all, this is food we’re talking about. The stuff you need to eat every day, and the stuff you should be enjoying as part of the many joys in life. I don’t care if it’s biting into a juicy steak, enjoying some pasta, or smiling between every bite of your dessert—food should be enjoyed. And I blame the diet industry for making you believe anything to the contrary.

I don’t care if it’s biting into a juicy steak, enjoying some pasta, or smiling between every bite of your dessert—food should be enjoyed.

This January, I want you to try something different. Call it a rebellion, a revolution, or just a renaissance, but we’re taking back food and enjoyment and reinventing it with a practical, scientifically supported approach to eating, living, and being healthier. I won’t make any promises, but if you choose this approach, you won’t return next January with the same frustration.

I know you're probably thinking: “Why should I trust the man offering desserts? Sounds like a scam.” But I make a living designing fitness and nutrition for real life. That means including foods you love, creating workouts that fit your schedule, and never ever ever setting false expectations.

So let’s start with a different New Year’s checklist:

No juice cleanses
No expensive supplements
No restrictive approaches that will leave you miserable and reaching for every food you miss
No four-week fixes

The Willpower Equation

Everyone likes to talk about willpower—and for good reason: It’s a real thing that influences your ability to take on tasks. But your willpower is limited. For real. The area of your brain that controls your willpower is located in your prefrontal cortex (you might remember this from biology as the area directly behind your forehead). It’s the same part of your brain that helps you with day-to-day tasks—everything from short-term memory to focus.

The prefrontal cortex is busy at all times. So whenever you take on a new behavior—especially one as big as getting in shape, exercising, and eating better—it’s like having a massive project dropped in your lap and being told everyone else in the office is too busy to help.

The result is that new actions can be very (very) hard to execute. In fact, it’s more than your brain can handle, meaning you default to old or undesirable behaviors.

Here’s how manipulative your brain can be. In a well-known study, two groups were given a number to remember. One group needed to remember a two-digit sequence, whereas the other needed to remember seven digits (both short-term memory tasks). The two groups walked down a hallway where they were presented an option of snacks: fruit salad or chocolate cake.

What happened? Those who had to remember the seven-digit sequence were two times more likely to dig into cake instead of opting for fruit.

Researchers refer to this as "cognitive load." The more space you’re taking up in the prefrontal cortex, the harder it is to make certain decisions. That’s why you need to prepare accordingly, so you have enough willpower to take on new tasks.

This is one of the reasons resolutions are such a flawed concept. If you’re trying to change 10 behaviors at the same time, it’s nearly impossible to succeed.

Start Simple

Most people love checklists because it feels awesome to cross off items and feel accomplished. The accomplishment part is great. The long list? Not so much. Whether or not you realize it, you’re laying the foundation for failure.

Success depends on consistency more than anything. So instead of asking, “What do I want to accomplish?” ask, "What’s the easiest thing I can do every day that will help me toward my goal?”

The "every day" part is important, because we’re shifting your mindset away from nuanced, difficult tasks to practical, doable ones. When you do good, you feel good. Success breeds success, and that creates habit. And habit makes everything easier. That’s the real goal: making change feel almost too easy.

If you swear off alcohol and then go out with your friends the first weekend in January, you might feel torn: Stay with your goal or break it? Do what you love or do what you feel is necessary to succeed?

Those are not questions you want to be faced with. At least, not initially. Instead you want to create a different construct. Start with simpler tasks you can master. For example:

I will eat vegetables twice per day.
I will sleep at least seven hours per night.
I will drink two glasses of water with every meal.
I will go to the gym three times during the week.

You could list endless habits that are designed to build behaviors. But start with one task and one only. Go slow to go fast. Trust me on this one. You do not need to eat chicken and broccoli for every meal, every day. You’ll thank me come April when you’re still kicking ass, instead of jumping off the wagon before January is even over.

Making change is hard. No one wants to admit it, but it’s true. So don’t make it harder by creating too many goals at once or by focusing on goals that seem like scaling a mountain instead of going for a walk. You’ll get to the mountain, but it’s better to build up momentum.

Make It Easy on Yourself

The other key is to leave room for imperfection. Let's say your goal is: “I will go to the gym three times during the week." Setting a goal of three times should not be your goal if you think that's the maximum amount you'll be able to go per week. Because if you're slammed at work and only make it to the gym once, you'll feel like you've failed.

Since you want to create behaviors that are easy, seamless, and become habitual, you might want to set a goal of two times per week. Declare that it will happen and then make sure you hit your two sessions every week without fail.

You want to make it as easy as possible to succeed. We all are susceptible to a psychological concept called "learned helplessness": Fail enough, and you come to expect failure. This is the foundation of bad fitness. Yet, all too often we set goals that increase the likelihood of failure. If you make your goals easy, you’re on the right track. Small successes will create positive reinforcement.

Give yourself two to three weeks to crush each mini-goal. Once you're consistently hitting the gym twice per week (or whatever makes sense for you), then add another goal. Then another. Each opportunity will give you the chance to build a habit you can master. As time goes on, you can make the goals much more specific and difficult. But when you do, you’ll be building on a solid foundation of habits that will make it very difficult to slide back to the old you.

It’s a Jedi mind trick for kicking ass. It's the equivalent of saying: “Don’t focus on the grade you want in a class; put all your energy into learning the material.” When that happens, it’s hard not to succeed.

I wish you a year of small victories, imperfection, and cheesecake (OK, maybe the cheesecake is for me). Whatever you do, don’t paint the picture of a life you wouldn’t want to live. It’s not necessary and definitely is not needed in order to achieve your health and fitness goals.

Adam Bornstein is a New York Times best-selling author and the founder of Born Fitness, a company on a mission to cut through the noise and share what you need to know to live a healthy, happy life. He extends that mission even further as Greatest’s Naked Truth columnist. Learn more on his profile page or follow BornFitness on Facebook.

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