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Why Ghosting on Someone Is a Totally Acceptable Move
We so rarely become the people we think we will, right? Five years ago, I was a struggling actress, engaged to be married, and if you had told me then that five years in the future, I would be an elementary school teacher and single, I probably would have laugh-cried… because somewhere deep down, I knew that’s where my relationship with both my job and my fiancé were invariably headed.
I always envisioned myself as strong and whip-smart, confident, brutally honest—the kind of person who tells it like it is and isn’t afraid of confrontation. The kind of person who tells you if something is unflattering, even if you’ve obviously already spent a lot of money on it and are currently wearing it in a very public place… Look, I still think that jumpsuit is super cute, and I don’t care if it makes me look like a potato.
Ghosting, in fact, sort of represents the larger ways in which I have failed to become that person I always aspired to be, and for that, I am actually wildly relieved. I didn’t even know about ghosting five years ago, when I became single. I was just this clueless 28-year-old who didn’t know anything about dating, because I’d spent my entire adult life in a bad relationship I can’t actually tell you about here, because the last time I did, I got a butthurt email from my ex.
For those of you who are unfamiliar, the term "ghosting" means you aren’t digging someone you went out with once or a few times or whatever, and instead of letting them know that you aren’t digging them, you simply never text them again. I get the hate for ghosting, I do. It feels irresponsible, rude, lazy... the list goes on. Ghosting is supposed to be this real moral issue, like it’s not okay to just disappear after a date, with nary an explanation, causing the other party confusion.
Ghosting was probably really hard in the olden days, amiright? The… milliner’s son or whatever asks you to go on a carriage ride, and if you’re not digging on his vibe, maybe you learn he’s a cat person or doesn’t have a lot of grain in his silo or something, it’s not like you can just never get your hat… re-hatted again. No, you would probably just suck it up and marry him, have 1,000 children, and die a few years later of scarlet fever, because there wasn’t enough grain in his silo to afford a doctor.
We aren’t beholden to the people we meet once over whiskey sours, thankfully, or we would all be crying over that guy from Tinder who seems really nice and even has a job and a car, but kind of sort of for some reason reminds you of that gross kid from high school and ughhhhh he seems really nice but you JUST CAN’T! And in the end, Are we not responsible for our own feelings? Ghosting should go like this: Person goes out on date. Person texts date the following day: How’s your day going? Person receives no reply. Person shrugs shoulders, perhaps says "bummer" to the mirror. Person goes back to swiping. It just doesn’t seem so complicated to me.
My mom used to tell me (another saying in our family, because my mother said it), "No one is thinking of your feelings; everyone is busy worrying about themselves." So if you were really digging on the person who didn’t text you back and can’t just go back to merrily swiping, go ahead and feel sad if someone ghosts on you… but let it be for your own sake, not because you have expectations of them. My advice, not based on personal experience at all: If someone you felt you really clicked with ghosts, go have a cry, eat a BLT, pop a Xannie, and binge-watch Ghost Adventures.
Your suffering should center around you, not the actions of someone else; suffering should be indulgent. Revel in that sh*t... then let it go, just like you need to let it go if someone doesn’t message you back. For a while there, on OkCupid (yeah, I’ve been single since that was a thing), I routinely failed to respond to messages from a particular gentleman whose face I happened to find unpalatable. One time, he sent another missive, saying: I know you read this. My premium subscription gives me read receipts, so I know you’re ignoring me.
I politely posited in response, Is not the entire premise of paying for read receipts to know when someone is ignoring you, so that you may more efficiently discern whether or not they’re interested?
He replied, Oh good, there you are. How’s your day going?
If you had told me five years ago that my failed acting career would prepare me for being single in my 30s, I would have punched you in the face. But I think how we handle ghosting has to do with how we handle rejection, and being an actor is all about rejection, which is why I think ghosting is maybe also related to the process of being an actor and trying to land a goddamn role.
If you spend a few months going out on 50 auditions, you’ll know what I mean: Try getting dressed up 50 times, making up 50 different excuses to leave work in the middle of the day, rehearsing 50 sets of lines over and over again, overanalyzing 50 different faces judging everything about you, going home, and waiting for 50 phone calls that never come. Do all that, then come back and cry to me about how that dude from Bumble who was definitely not his alleged 6’2″ never messaged you back. You won’t. You’ll be inured to the whole process.
You might also like I know this is going to sound strange, because dating is supposed to be the most personal thing there is, but I actually think it’s the opposite, and so is acting, and this is why I feel the way I do. You want to know why you didn’t get the part? It wasn’t because you weren’t pretty enough, or thin enough, or good enough. It was because you reminded the casting director of a girl who broke his heart in middle school, or the producer has a cousin he really wants in the role instead, or you came in right before lunch and everyone was hangry and not even paying attention to you.
You can’t know someone after two drinks and a walk to your car any better than you can know someone in a five-minute audition. It never has anything to do with you. You don’t need someone’s feedback re: why a date didn’t do it for him; that does nothing for you. Dating, like art, is subjective. That’s why I don’t save numbers in my phone anymore, and I don’t mind when someone ghosts on me, and I’m definitely not going to read the comments section of this article; I just put my sh*t out there and then I let it go. I’m not sure if that sounds bitter, but to me, it feels like something gentler; the world works the way it works, some people will like my stuff, some people won’t. Unless the bearer of opinions is a cherished friend who’s telling you Yes, Mikayla, you really do look like a goddamn potato in that jumpsuit, the reasons people find to not dig you are irrelevant.
The spoons can say whatever they want, that jumpsuit is still excellent. Illustration by the author, Mikayla Park.
Dating is like trying flavors at Baskin Robbins and then just tossing those little spoons in the trash when you’re done, except it’s way less fun and more arduous, and sometimes a spoon climbs out of the trash and sends you a very long email about how inaccurate that satirical essay you published about your relationship was and how honest and kind he had always been to you and how he sincerely hopes you find peace with yourself someday.
If there’s any rule for ghosting, I think it might be this: If someone becomes sort of difficult to ghost on, as in, you are living with them or you share a dog with them or whatever, then maybe it’s no longer appropriate to incorporate ghosting as a means of escape. Otherwise, ghost away, even if just for efficiency’s sake. Your time is precious!
I would have loved to have ghosted on my ex, but the apartment lease was in my name. Of course, I really can’t talk about that.
Mikayla Park is a teacher/nonprofit creative person residing in the slums of Beverly Hills. Find her, and her two charming rescue dogs, everywhere at @mikaylapark.
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The 20-Minute Killer Pilates Sequence for a Crazy-Strong Core
Pilates is known for building a crazy-strong core, and since a strong core is the foundation for almost every bodyweight and strength exercise out there, give your abs some extra attention with this quick but killer 20-minute Pilates workout.
You might also like These 10 moves are low impact, but that doesn't mean they're low effort. You'll perform each one very slowly and deliberately to strengthen every single muscle in your core, which is harder than it looks. But don't stress; this sequence is great for beginners and offers options to make certain moves harder as you get stronger. An exercise mat is optional. If you want to make one move (the WundaTwist) more challenging, grab two paper plates or a set of sliders. Then hit play to get started.
To recap: An exercise mat is optional. For the advanced WundaTwist, you'll need a set of paper plates or sliders.
Forearm Plank
WundaTwist (left)
Plié With Tick Tock Side Bend
WundaTwist (right)
Side Plank (right)
Parallel Squat (feet 4 inches apart)
Side Plank (left)
Rolling Like a Ball
Crisscross
Reverse Pilates Push-Up
Plank with Alternating Side Step
Down Dog With Leg Lift/Torso Rotation
Looking for more short and effective at-home workouts? Grokker has thousands of routines, so you’ll never get bored. Bonus: For a limited time, Greatist readers get 40 percent off Grokker Premium (just $9 per month) and their first 14 days free. Sign up now!
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How a Little S&M Helped Me Reclaim Sex After Trauma
I typed back, Nothing.
Grief swarmed in me—I had revealed my damage.
I have probably had lovers ask before:What do you like? Do you like this? What are you into? However, it had felt cursory; I knew they had no real investment in my pleasure, whereas I was expected to balance and perform for theirs. Since I was 13, I had been buffeted through a string of abusive relationships—with some exceptions—and before that, I had a long and consistent history of childhood sexual abuse since I was 4. I have been raped, beaten, strangled, and tortured, and none of it seemed extraordinary to me at the time. My sense of my body, consent, and desires was warped by abuse, and I had grown accustomed to being used without permission. This partner, Vik, knew my history, and when he asked what I fantasized about, I understood that he was asking because he really wanted to know, because my pleasure mattered.
Now, through creativity, communication, trust, therapy, and great lube, I could make my experience my own.
When I first saw him, I was fresh off a plane, unshowered, and sleep-deprived. I shook his hand, finding a firm New England handshake to match my own, and thought, Oh no. I wasn’t prepared for him to be this attractive. It wasn’t long speaking him before I discovered his even, tranquil demeanor; perceptive intelligence; and a genuine empathy. After a time, we came together with a magnetism that woke up my entire body. It’s not fair to compare lovers, but my God, he was the best.
And though I felt safe and I felt desire, I still wanted to please rather than to know pleasure myself. His question sent me inward, through darkness. I revisited a book I picked up before my divorce for some guidance, Staci Haines’s Healing Sex: a Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma, which explores post-trauma sexuality through a workbook-style manual. There are many reasons why sexual trauma survivors may feel detached from their own pleasure, while others may be plagued by fantasies that feel disturbing or rooted in trauma. Haines validates each response without judgment, theorizing that periods of anhedonia, or the inability to feel pleasure; hypersexuality; fantasy; and no-fantasy are all stages that may return or dissipate, but are there for a purpose. They call for the survivor to pay attention to their individual body’s needs.
In Haines’ book, there’s a chapter entitled "S/M, Role-Playing, and Fantasy," which initially scared me off to the next chapter before I circled back around and decided to at least read it and learn something. That’s when I discovered that my previous experiences of what I believed to be power play were actually just abuse, and relieved to discover that real power play is predicated on communication, consent, safewords, awareness, and respect. Haines writes that many people, including survivors of abuse, celebrate "the safety… the power of negotiating sexual play, and the potential for sexual healing and self-empowerment through S/M" and power play. This thought floated back to me while I was texting Vik, and I realized that his fantasy was a power play scene, and that I liked it.
Seeing as how my initial response of "Nothing" was a bit of a show-stopper, and I wanted to keep exploring this, I texted back something along the lines of, "No one has really asked me that question before, and I don’t think I have fantasies of my own yet, but I’m enjoying this one of yours and I want to keep going with it."
I wish I could say that the sexy muse struck me and I came out with a slew of scenes in response to his "cowgirl who needs taming" scenario, but really, I made him do most of the work that day. It was new enough for me to ask questions like, "What would you do if I wouldn’t stay still? How would you tame me then?" These questions, however, were how I discovered that I got off on the idea of being rewarded for being "good," which first requires me to be "bad" for contrast. For me, this was huge. I could go into a psychological analysis of why I found it so gratifying to surrender, with consent, guidelines, and respect, to a lover’s scene, but I’m going to chalk it up to a deep and sensual expression of trust.
Try some options just for yourself at first, and then if you had fun, you might want to share some looks with others...
The more we outlined these scenes before we met, the more anticipation we created, and the clearer we were about each other’s desires. When we were together, we were already comfortable talking about sex, and so when changes or ideas came up in the moment, we knew how to communicate them and check in with each other. This allowed me to go deeper into the experience, and suddenly the word surrender meant something decadent and empowering.
But there was a slight hitch. For years, I had successfully hid the fact that for me, sex can be extraordinarily painful. I was with partners who simply didn’t care, or just as bad, who enjoyed hurting me. Not so with Vik. He noticed the small flinches, the expression in my eyes, and even internal changes when I was in pain. I explained to him that sex had always been painful no matter the position or speed, and I had no idea why, but I still wanted sex. "OK," he said. "But you need to go to a doctor. We need to know if you’re OK." Another first.
I went to the doctor, and after many exams, ultrasounds, and discussions, I learned that the marks of my past abuse were not only emotional. There were the health issues I already knew about—the endometriosis and cystic ovaries. But then the doctor revealed the masses of scar tissue, the damaged cervix, and the peculiar fact that my vaginal muscles were in a constant state of contraction. It is this latter issue that I can do something about. "It happens sometimes when a person is under a consistent threat of sexual trauma that the muscles lock in an effort to protect the body, and as a reaction to stress," the doctor told me, and she kindly congratulated me on my bravery for coming in and telling her my trauma history. "It’s because of your openness and self-preservation that I can help you. Countless women suffer in silence." Vik had prompted me, and that mattered a great deal; I may not have ever gone had he not suggested it. But ultimately, I valued my own pleasure enough that I decided to care for my body.
You might also like I began physical therapy for pelvic pain, as well as an experimental treatment that involves administering valium internally. Or as I said to my best friend on the phone, "Turns out my pussy is like Fort Knox and now I gotta teach it to relax." Luckily, I’m a yoga teacher, and my physical therapy adventures in pelvic contractions and releases paired with stretches and exercise seemed like a lot of fun new tricks for me.
I asked my physical therapist what I should be doing during and before sex to ease the pain, and she said, "Ideally, you need to stretch for at least 20 minutes before you have sex, especially hip-openers. You need foreplay, and excellent lube, and if possible, an orgasm before penetration. Do you think your partner would be open to that?" I smiled from the table, heels together, knees apart, trying to relax my muscles around her gloved finger (as you do), and said, "Oh, I think that could be a lot of fun."
My next mission was for the best lube available to humanity, and for that, I went to Please in Brooklyn, NY. Work with my therapist at Safe Horizon and the podcast Speaking of Sex With the Pleasure Mechanics inspired me to sashay in and simply ask for what I needed. Speaking of Sex, if you aren’t familiar with it, is a fantastic show by the sex-therapist couple Chris Rose and Charlotte, and it’s geared toward all gender and sexual identities for creating a safe, informed, and ecstatically pleasurable sex life for everyone. I highly recommend it.
I was nervous when I walked into Please, but when I explained that I was looking for the best lube for vaginismus and pelvic injury, the shop assistant said, "Oh my gosh, I’m so glad you just came out and asked for what you need. I know exactly what to suggest." That recommendation was Sliquid Satin, a glycerin- and paraben-free lube that I can now say I’m all about.
It all started when I sent him a photo of myself in a pair of blue suede chaps and nothing else.
When I returned from my mission, I was electric with the optimism that maybe, after some work and pleasure, sex might not be painful, that I might have my own fantasies, and that I could actually do something to claim my body and my sexuality as my own. I was used to fear; flashbacks; dissociation; and sharp, gutting pain. Now, through creativity, communication, trust, therapy, and great lube, I could make my experience my own. While I still have memories surface, I still feel afraid, and I still feel pain on occasion, my recovery time is faster, and I’m better at grounding myself through exercises I’ve learned in therapy and the trust I’ve established with Vik.
A while ago, I texted him, "I have a very specific regimen for our next training session planned…" and spread my ideas out before him. When I was with him next, I told him how touched I was that he cared this much about my pleasure and safety, and he looked at me gravely.
"This is the absolute bare minimum you should expect from anyone," he said. And that’s true. Perhaps what I meant to express was gratitude to heal and revel in my sex life with a lover who also believes that sex should make our connections with others and ourselves better, more artful, more ecstatic. Now, with practice, I know when I want to slip on a lace bodysuit and roll out the yoga mat... and I can step into my heels, look him straight in the eye, and say so.
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How Can Bridal Makeup Transform You Into Stunning Beauty?
The wedding is certainly a very important life event. In most of the countries, this is considered as the most occasions of pomp and joy. People love to participate in the celebration as the gathering is full of enjoyment and pleasure. The wedding involves preparation of lots of things like buying outfits, managing guests, arranging photographers, booking of banquet halls, dresses, and several other things.
from Health and Fitness:Beauty Articles from EzineArticles.com http://ift.tt/2hXhAFe
from Health and Fitness:Beauty Articles from EzineArticles.com http://ift.tt/2hXhAFe
Try Not to Tear Up as You Watch a Former Marathoner Lace Up One Last Time
Aging is a funny thing. We get smarter and wiser, but our bodies don’t always work the way they used to. And at some point we’re expected to acknowledge that our favorite things—running, lifting heavy weights, swimming in the open ocean—are too risky. Our bones are too brittle, and our loved ones are too worried.
That’s the basic premise of this moving video: A fictitious marathoner struggles to come to terms with how his body and mind are deteriorating while living in a retirement home. Eugene Merher, a German film student, created the 100-second mock advertisement for class, but after watching, we’d be surprised if we don’t see this on TV soon.
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