Pigments are intensely colored loose powders that are present in a big way in the cosmetic industry. They are being used as a basic ingredient while preparing the varied makeup products used to beautify a woman.
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Why We Stay With People Who Are Bad for Us
I'm grateful to know a lot of smart, capable women. Sadly, many of these smart, capable women have committed themselves to guys who are clueless, emotionally unavailable, or just plain jerks. How does this happen so often?
Of course, hetero ladies aren't the only ones who deal with this phenomenon—this problem runs across all lines of gender and sexuality. No matter who you are or who you're attracted to, it's more than plausible that you've gotten together with someone who's straight-up bad for you (and probably on more than one occasion).
You might also like Why do we do this? How do lovely people wind up with such unlovely mates? I spoke with a range of psychologists and relationship experts to find out the mystery behind why we so often end up with bad partners and why it's so hard to leave—even when we know it's not working.
Everything's Scary
One of the simplest reasons people stay with bad partners is this: fear. Sometimes it's easy to think, If this doesn't work out, maybe nothing will. So they stay with a less-than-ideal partner to avoid the possibility of loneliness.
A study from the University of Toronto found that participants with a stronger fear of being alone were more likely to settle for a crappy relationship. And although we stereotypically picture guys as commitment-phobic or marriage-averse, it turns out they're just as scared of a never-ending single life—this study showed that the fear of being alone drove both men and women equally.
The idea of breaking up with a bad mate doesn't just bring up the fear of being alone: You have to deal with the potentially horrible, frightening prospect of dating again. "For some, dating can even be depressing," says licensed mental health counselor Shani Graves. "We'd rather silently suffer in a relationship that gives a sense of companionship than start all over again."
No matter who you are, dating is hard. You have to experience weird small talk; potentially rude, unpleasant, or even creepy people; and that one guy who will go out of his way to call you ugly and awkward when you reject him (which, yeah—that's a personal, true-life tale). So when you combine the mess of dating and the scariness of being alone, you get a whole ton of fear. And that fear keeps couples together that should have parted long ago.
It's Easy
It's easy to see a relationship from the outside and say, "Just leave her! She's been trying to make it as an amateur DJ for ten years! For the love of God, just go!"
But think of it from the other side: In a long-term relationship, a breakup is tough, and not just emotionally. "There are many everyday reasons for staying—convenience, routine, stability, habit, etc," says clinical psychologist David Woodsfellow, Ph.D. "All of these are real—and important. These should not be underestimated or downplayed."
There's a lot of hard work that goes into a breakup. You probably have to move out, separate your things, and become completely financially independent again. Maybe your partner used to always handle the taxes. Well, no more. Time to get your own CPA and slog through a pile of 1099s!
It's even more complicated if you have pets. Who gets the dog? Will Puppy McRuffles have to stay weekends at your ex's house or can you just keep him? Then there's friends. Can you still hang out with "their" friends? Will they cut you out of their life because of the breakup? Will it be weird if your old friends still want to keep in contact with him?
Oh, and family. You probably met their family. In fact, they might be just as (maybe more) important to you as your own blood relatives. After a breakup though, that newfound family probably won't be around to support you.
And good God, kids. If you have kids, it's a whole new world of complication.
So you already have to split your life in two and you have the added stress of explaining your choice to everyone around you. "There is the perception that you have to justify your reasons for ending the relationship to others—friends, family—in a way that makes sense to them," says Lesli Doares, relationship coach, author, and radio host of Happily Ever After is Just the Beginning. She feels that couples sometimes stay together partially because they don't want to explain why they'd rather be apart.
Doares goes on to say that the pressure from friends, family, and society to stay together is hard to overcome. And when you add in all the physical and emotional separation that occurs with every breakup, a lot of people don't want to go through that pain. So they stay together with someone they know isn't right simply because it's easier.
Throwing In Good Time After Bad
"The No. 1 reason I see women stay in terrible relationships is because of return on investment—ROI," says relationship expert and life coach Kali Rogers. We don't often think of relationships in Shark Tank terms, but the idea of getting a good return on our investment of time is what keeps lots of relationships together for much too long. "Once we've put so much time, effort, love, and attention into anything—we want to see the results we believe we are entitled to," Roger says. "It's much harder to cut your losses and walk away than it is to stay and put in one more hand."
A study published in Current Psychology agrees that people are likely to keep throwing in good time after bad; participants were asked to imagine a bad relationship and decide whether they should stay or go. The longer the relationship, the more likely the participants would opt to stay.
Rogers says the same idea that keeps couples together is what keep gamblers at the poker table. Some think, I've lost a ton of money, but this next hand just might make everything right again! In relationships, we think, Yeah, those last five years were garbage, but maybe this year I can finally make it right!
It's hard to give up when you've spent years of your life on another person. And for some, it's just too hard to let that all go and start again from scratch.
The Boiling Frog Theory
Some relationships are a bit like the hypothetical frog in a pot. If the frog jumps into boiling water, it'll jump right out. But if the frog is sitting in the water and it slowly comes to a boil, the frog will sit there and happily get boiled alive while thinking, Yeah, things are definitely staying the same in here.
I may have added a bit of color to the story (also, it's not true, but does make for a nice little parable). But it's easy for us non-frogs to behave this way. "When entrenched, we're so involved fighting fire every day, it's hard to realize you're in hell," says clinical psychologist and executive coach Perpetua Neo, DClinPsy, MPhil. "This is akin to the frog in boiling water concept. As the heat gets turned up, you get used to having your boundaries trampled upon and your standards eroded as your new normal."
This is especially true if low self-esteem is one of the things keeping a person in a poor relationship. "We don't believe we deserve better," says Neo. "Relationships can shine a light on our deepest insecurities, and most of us, to some extent, feel we aren't good enough and are plagued by that."
That deep-seated self-hatred can be made worse by a toxic relationship. An abusive partner can make you feel insignificant, stupid, and unloveable. Then, they'll turn around and claim that they're the only one who could possibly love you as you are. This type of gaslighting and emotional manipulation is common—and it works. When you already feel like a worthless person, it's easier to stay with someone who reminds you of how worthless you are, according to Neo.
This erosion of self-esteem and happiness doesn't happen overnight, of course. It's slow… slow enough for you to get used to bad behavior and unhappiness. So slow that you might think, Yeah, things are definitely staying the same here, as the water starts to boil.
Try to Change the Past… by Repeating It
Our past has a huge impact on our present relationships. So, if there's unresolved trauma from years ago, it's likely that trauma's going to pop up again in the present day.
Sometimes, people get in bad relationships because they don't know any better. Bessel van der Kolk, M.D., has theorized that experiencing violence as children directly correlates to experiencing violence in marriage.
"People who are exposed early to violence or neglect come to expect it as a way of life," he writes. This is true for children who witness marital violence or kids that were abused themselves. In both scenarios, love and violence are intertwined, and totally outside of the child's control. As an adult, that person still sees a connection between love and violence, and can feel completely helpless as to how to stop it.
This is true for violent and non-violent relationships. If your parents fought all the time and had a horrible marriage, you are more likely to have couple troubles yourself. Woodsfellow says that people often stay in relationships to replay a significant moment from childhood. This kind of replaying is our weird way of trying to work through trauma from the past. Sometimes, it helps us come to terms with bad things from childhood. Other times, we just repeat the same mistakes, according to Woodsfellow.
Sometimes, we repeat trauma in an attempt to "fix it." According to relationship therapist Rhonda Milrad, LCSW, "You seek out someone who treats you badly with the unconscious desire to win them over and get them to change their behavior toward you. You are trying to affect in your current relationship what did not not happen in your childhood." So if you can fix your boyfriend and make him love you, maybe you can fix your dad and make him love you, too, this line of thinking goes.
"The problem is that you cannot change another person, only yourself," Rogers says. Often, the more you try to change your partner, the more you get back the same obnoxious or abusive behavior that scarred you in the first place.
No matter how hard you may try, you can't make a person change. Sure, you might be able to train someone to quit leaving their socks all over the living room floor, but you can't "fix" them. But there's still hope, says Woodsfellow. "Of course, you can't force someone else to change, but I think it's sometimes a good thing to ask someone to change something," he says. "I think that kind of mutual influence is part of a healthy marriage." But if you're with someone who doesn't want to work on themselves, change, or grow, then that faraway hope that you could be the one to "save" someone can be so captivating, it makes it even harder to let that bad partner go.
That's All Depressing. Are We Doomed to Stay in Bad Relationships?
Finally, some good news: You absolutely can leave a bad relationship. It just takes a lot of courage and support. Milrad stresses the importance of a support system, friends, and family, as a way to get out of a bad situation. If you have people to help you through the tough times, it will be so much easier to leave.
Also, you have to take a look at yourself: Are you attracting the same type of bad person over and over? Are you using relationships to replay past trauma? Are you a "fixer?" Rogers says you need "an awareness of what issue you are trying to work through to stop repeating it in a similar pattern with subsequent relationships." Thankfully, with help from friends and possibly some therapy, you can isolate those scars of the past and ensure you don't keep repeating them in your future.
And it's a good idea to examine your own issues and hang-ups that may be contributing to your relationship being less-than-optimal. "In many long-term relationships, both parties contribute to the difficulties," Woodsfellow says. "Yes, sometimes you're innocent and your partner is to blame. But while that's sometimes true, it's not always true. Sometimes, it's worth trying to change a problem and change your own reactions before concluding that things are hopeless."
Overall, just remember this: You deserve happiness. You deserve love. And if you aren't getting that from your current relationship, you deserve to leave.
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What Is Carb Loading?
Carbohydrates are the primary fuel source burned for energy during physical activity. Your body stores some of the carbohydrates that you eat in your liver and muscle as glycogen which provides energy later on during the physical activity. The intake of carbohydrate differs for every sport, the intensity of the sport and the position of the athlete. Athletes use this technique to keep their energy levels from plummeting during a main competition.
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Is Your Relationship More Work Than It's Worth?
I spent the first day of my honeymoon glaring at my new husband's back with seething hatred. Worried we wouldn't be able to cram enough sights into the day, he strode through London at top speed, not noticing (or caring) that I generally trailed about five feet behind him. He insisted we even ride the tube in silence, out of concern that some total strangers might realize we were American and sneer at us. Sounds romantic, eh?
You might also like That trip has come to encapsulate our doomed, nine-year relationship for me. Not walking fast enough was just one of many things I did incorrectly or inadequately, according to my husband, who we'll call Dan. Resentments surfaced frequently: He informed me that I looked bad when my hair was pulled back in a ponytail and that I appeared unfriendly when I walked with my arms crossed over my coat on cold, windy days. He'd accuse me of offending waitresses by not responding perkily enough when we went out to eat. During our stint in couples' counseling, he told our therapist that I was "socially inept."
Now, years later, putting up with any of this nonsense sounds ludicrous to me. But back then, I was brainwashed by the well-meaning relationship advice I'd read a million times: Relationships are hard work. It sounds reasonable. After all, we've all been told that nothing worth having comes easy—so why should relationships be any different?
My parents divorced when I was four, and my mother didn't live with another partner until I'd grown up and moved away, so I didn't have much modeling for what a healthy, long-term relationship looked like. The knowledge I had about solid relationships was cobbled together from TV shows, books, movies, and magazine relationship articles, creating a Frankenstein's monster of dysfunction and inaction.
Once, while complaining to a friend that I wasn't sure whether I should break up with Dan, she asked, "Well, are you unhappy or happy more of the time?" It seemed like a practical, even adult way of looking at the problem. I thought about it and decided that yes, I was probably content a little more often than I was miserable... so that was good, right? No relationship is perfect, people say. But who wants to spend roughly half of her life unhappy?
I stayed with Dan way longer than was remotely healthy. Getting along with him seemed impossible much of the time, but I thought that his put-downs, frenetic criticism, and anger must be the "work" I kept hearing about. If we just learned to communicate more effectively about our issues, we'd be fine, I thought. But of course, that wasn't the case. So how much hard work should relationships really be? Where's the line?
When Working on a Relationship Becomes Unproductive
So here's a conclusion you might have reached on your own: People reluctant to let any relationship go (even terrible ones) tend to be more willing to work on them. But that means that the degree to which people are willing to work on their relationship can have less to do with whether a relationship is worth saving in the first place, and more to do with our own personality types.
"Our tolerance for potential loss defines how easily we attach to another person, and also how hard we'll work to save a relationship," says Christine Hyde, Ph.D., a licensed clinical social worker and certified sex therapist. "Some people work and work because that hard work is still easier than the thought of loss, or fear of the unknown. That's why some people stick with things too long: It's the devil you know versus the devil you don't know."
On an even more basic level, everyone has a different idea of what "hard work" means in a relationship—and we rarely define these terms before getting involved with each other. For some people, "hard work" might mean healthy approaches like couples' therapy or focusing on listening to each other's needs. But others might think that "hard work" means something less rational and more invasive, like giving your partner access to everything on your phone or never going to a party without the other person.
But even couples who are willing to work on their relationships and agree on what "work" means won't necessarily succeed in the endeavor—especially if the work is based on expecting an unwilling partner to grow or evolve, Hyde says.
"Sometimes I hear from clients, 'No one ever taught him this is how he's supposed to be, so I'll teach him,' but that's more work than you should ever be willing to do," Hyde says. "Working to change someone else is a gauge that there's something wrong—that's not 'good' work."
The "hard work" approach to relationships appeals to our stereotypical American ideal that we will be rewarded if we refuse to give up, says Ty Tashiro, Ph.D., author of The Science of Happily Ever After and Awkward.
"That advice is the classic Western viewpoint—that if we just try harder and go faster, we can make it work," he says.
There are also some key personality traits that have been linked to happy marriages: High conscientiousness, low neuroticism, high agreeableness, and high extraversion. But research shows more and more that relationships are successful when partners simply practice mindfulness and express gratitude. "This has to do with appreciating partners for their positives and to give them the benefit of the doubt about the negatives," Tashiro says.
For example, let's say your partner tells you about a conflict with a co-worker that happened earlier in the day, and you ask a question or make a comment that he or she doesn't quite understand. What you do not want is for your partner to assume the worst about what you meant and instantly blow up at you. You want them to pause and consider why you said what you did, or simply ask you to clarify what you meant—before rushing to judgment.
Consistent thoughtfulness about how to respond to potential conflicts is a key component of harmonious relationships, Tashiro says. No one's saying you need to be a detective or a mind reader, but it helps if you can authentically give your partner the benefit of the doubt more often than not—and be there for their big wins (as well as their losses). And there's evidence to back this up: A 2009 study found that positivity and empathy are key components in happy long-term relationships, and another found that feeling your partner is there for you when things go right plays an important role in relationship health.
I was brainwashed by the well-meaning relationship advice I'd read a million times: Relationships are hard work.
"Expecting someone to be fair and thoughtful is a really important starting point in relationships that many people overlook," he says. "Someone who is agreeable is more likely in the long term to give generously to a partner without keeping score." This trait—and a willingness to put in the work to maintain relationships—has been linked to greater relationship satisfaction overall.
Put another way, if you aren't willing to consider another person's needs consistently, you can't be in a healthy relationship. "The bottom line is that people who are not good sharers aren't good in relationships," Hyde says.
So How Much Work Should We Really Be Putting In?
So let's say you found yourself a good one—he or she is giving, thoughtful, committed, and consistent—and you're happy together. It's still going to take some work, right? Like a normal, sane amount of work to keep the relationship strong?
That's what I've been wondering, because since I met my boyfriend, who we'll call Sam, four years ago, it's been kind of easy.
I used to roll my eyes at the people who claimed they rarely argue and called each other "babe." I just assumed that it really wasn't possible for two human beings to like each other and get along most of the time, and I thought these unicorns-and-rainbows couples must be insufferable Pollyannas—or they were just plain liars. More likely the latter, right?
But now I'm kind of one of these jerks, living with someone who's thoughtful, considerate, and reasonable—traits that, given my relationship history, still blow me away. Meeting him reminded me that I did see an example of a successful couple growing up: my Uncle Billy and Aunt Donna. They've been together since high school, and I couldn't ever imagine Billy ever rolling his eyes at something Donna said, or Donna snapping at Billy not to screw up some little task. They didn't just love each other, they liked each other, and it showed. They had each other's backs.
This is the simplest way I know how to explain why my current relationship is so strong: Sam has my back. I've never felt that anyone else was in my corner like this and would give me the benefit of the doubt that my intentions are good.
But I don't want to take my relationship for granted or neglect it, of course. I asked Hyde what she thought about my theory of what makes for harmonious unions—which can be boiled down to "don't be an asshole." Is it really that easy, if you're with someone who's good for you? I care what Sam thinks and how he feels, and want him to be happy, so I act accordingly. But that doesn't feel like "work," I told her.
"That's the thing: You don't see it as work because it's something you want to do. Work is only work if you're miserable," she says. "You're good with being giving and thoughtful because you know he's there and making you feel safe."
Research backs this up too: The authors of a study published in Communication Monographs concluded that couples are more likely to put some effort into maintaining their relationships when they felt things were equitable overall. Feeling a lack strong support from a partner, on the other hand, tends to break up relationships, another study concluded.
I don't want to be flippant and imply that it's easy to meet someone who gets you and supports you completely. I know from experience that it's not. But I also know that if you feel like you're not walking side by side with your partner—and especially if you're trailing five feet behind—you deserve better.
Virginia Pelley is a freelance writer in Tampa, Florida. Follow her on Twitter @VirginiaPelley.
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How to Tell If Your Relationship Is Changing in the Right Ways
A few weekends ago, I was enjoying a pretty typical Saturday evening with my fiancé, J. We were cuddled on the couch, watching Netflix in our pajamas. I had one of those crazy sheet masks on my face (super attractive, I know). We didn’t talk much (except to comment on the terrible movie we were watching). From the outside looking in, it might have looked kind of boring. But I felt totally, blissfully comfortable.
You might also like J and I have been together for almost four years, and our typical Saturday evening has changed quite a bit over the course of our relationship. In the early days, I would spend pretty much the entire day in anticipation of a Saturday night date; I’d agonize over what to wear and spend hours getting my hair and makeup just right. On the date, we’d talk for hours about anything and everything: our dreams, our fears, our favorite Ninja Turtle (one thing that hasn’t changed over the course of our relationship is the fact that we’re both total nerds). My heart would be racing, my brain going a mile-a-minute wondering if he was going to kiss me.
I loved J at the beginning of our relationship, and I love J now. But the way I experience that love is completely, profoundly different.
So how, exactly, does the way we experience love—physically, mentally, and emotionally—change over the course of a relationship? What causes the shift from spending hours in front of the mirror to make sure you look perfect to "I’m totally cool with you seeing me in my most unflattering sleepwear?" Of course, sometimes we’re still filled with that I-wanna-rip-your-clothes-off spirit. But how do we cultivate that feeling even more when we throw marriage, finances, and all that fun, domestic stuff ("You’re loading the dishwasher the wrong way!") into the mix?
The Perfect Beginning (a.k.a. the Honeymoon Phase)
When J and I first started dating, it was like a falling-in-love montage in the most clichéd romantic comedy. We would sit across the table, staring googly-eyed at each other for hours. Everything J said was hilarious, insightful, or brilliant (usually all three). When we weren’t together, I thought about the next time I would see him the way a drug addict thinks about their next fix (and as a recovering addict, I know what I’m talking about).
This early can’t-get-enough-of-you phase of a relationship is what’s known as the honeymoon stage, and it can be pretty all-consuming. "In the beginning of relationships, it’s natural that we feel a strong physical attraction and romantic passion," says Suzie Pileggi Pawelski, MAPP, author of Happy Together: Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love that Lasts.
"You may feel wildly attracted to your partner and can’t keep your hands off one another. You may think about your partner almost to the exclusion of everything else. You may daydream at your desk rather than drafting that important memo… and feel butterflies in your stomach when thinking about them."
But why, exactly, does the beginning of a relationship feel so consuming? Turns out, my description of feeling like a drug addict in desperate need of a fix is pretty spot-on. "When we first meet someone and feel an attraction to them, a series of chemical reactions are ignited," says Lyn Rowbotham, Ph.D., a life and relationship coach in Malibu, CA. "We can feel ‘a high’ by the surge of adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin that our brain releases."
All of those hormones and neurotransmitters are the perfect cocktail for attraction. Adrenaline enhances our arousal responses, while dopamine increases the brain’s ability to feel pleasure and reward, and serotonin sends a signal through our nerves to boost our mood and sexual desire. And on top of all those feel-good chemicals surging through our bodies, a recent study revealed that people in the honeymoon phase of a relationship had higher levels of nerve growth factor than people who were single or in long-term relationships, which researchers believe can actually increase feelings of euphoria.
(Needless to say, sex in the honeymoon phase is pretty fan-freakin-tastic.)
But as amazing as it is, the honeymoon can’t last forever. Most couples stay in the honeymoon phase anywhere from six months to two years—and experts say that’s a good thing. Because if we want love that’s going to last, it needs to go beyond the honeymoon.
"While feeling completely wrapped up in another person at the beginning of a relationship may be exciting and feel wonderful, it is the relationships that rely solely on passionate love that are doomed to fail," says Marisa T. Cohen, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at St. Francis College in New York City and co-founder of the Self-Awareness and Bonding Lab, a research lab that focuses on relationships and social psychology.
"While the couple is experiencing passionate love, it is important to get to know one another on a deeper level, thereby building intimacy-filled companionate love. Being intensely drawn to a person can take you only so far if you don’t build a strong foundation for a long-term loving relationship."
Reality Sets In
"In the beginning of a relationship, when you are totally absorbed in your partner, you view the world through rose-colored glasses," Cohen says. And once those rose-colored glasses come off, it can be a pretty jarring experience.
J and I were lucky enough to have a pretty long honeymoon stage, but I remember vividly when it ended—and it was really challenging. Suddenly, we weren’t seeing each other as these perfect creatures incapable of doing anything wrong or stupid or annoying.
We were seeing each other as, you know… actual people. It bugged me that J wanted to be alone when he was upset instead of talking things out. It bugged him that I could be stubborn and unwilling to admit when I was wrong (guilty as charged). Sometimes he would leave dishes in the sink or I would forget to take out the trash, and we would snap at each other.
In other words, the honeymoon was over—and reality had set in.
There was no doubt in my mind that I still loved J; it was just that now that we needed to figure out if our love was sustainable in the long term and if we had the chops to move past passionate love into something more deep and meaningful—what experts call companionate love.
"Passionate love is intense, and when reciprocated, is an exciting and wonderful experience," Cohen says. "Companionate love, on the other hand, is not as intense, but involves a sense of commitment and intimacy—think total self-disclosure, not necessarily sex. Having both present makes for a successful partnership."
As we navigate through the growing pains of the post-honeymoon phase of a relationship and start to see the person for who they actually are—rather than the fantasy we believed them to be—there’s going to be times we feel more "I-want-to-rip-off-their-head" than "I-want-to-rip-off-their-clothes." But that’s OK: The important thing to remember during this stage is that even though our feelings might be changing, it’s totally normal.
"Love evolves, of course, from the early-honeymoon passionate stage to the more mature, companionate love," Pileggi Pawelski says. "We can’t expect the same heightened feelings of positive emotions to exist at the intense levels as it did in the early phases of a relationship."
In other words, we can’t float on the honeymoon cloud forever. So when the honeymoon inevitably ends and reality sets in, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with our relationship—it just means we have to work to take things to that next level.
Settling Into the Relationship
The honeymoon is great. But what comes after the honeymoon (and after that awkward phase directly following the honeymoon) is arguably even better—the stage when we get comfortable in our relationship.
This is the stage J and I are in now. We’ve been through a lot of life together—we’ve traveled, we’ve dealt with tragedy, we’ve changed jobs and apartments and cities. And the more life we’ve experienced together, the deeper our bond has grown. And with that deeper bond has come a whole new level of comfort and security (which is why I can walk around our house in a sheet mask and frumpy sweatpants with zero hesitation).
We’ve officially reached the companionate stage of love, and like I said—it feels very different from those early I-love-you-so-much-I-feel-high days. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing; while I might not get sweaty palms every time J walks in the room, I do feel a deep sense of gratitude, love, and admiration when he brings home flowers for no reason, when I see him playing with our dog, or when I think about starting a family.
"With familiarity, we get more comfortable with our partner and don’t feel that heightened sense of positive emotions and arousal," Pileggi Pawelski says. "Our love moves from the higher arousal emotions of interest, amusement, and joy into the calmer positive emotions of serenity, gratitude, inspiration, and awe."
From a physiological standpoint, the deeper feelings of connection we experience when we’re more settled in our relationship are thanks to changing hormones and neurotransmitters.
As we move from passionate to companionate love, "our levels of adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin get back to their normal state," Rowbotham says. They’re replaced by oxytocin, a hormone that’s released as a result of the physical closeness we experience with our partners (think hugging, cuddling, and sex). "Oxytocin can give us a feeling of increased calm and deeper emotional connection to each other."
Making Relationships Work for the Long Haul
Now that J and I are getting married, I’ve been really curious about how to make the relationship work in the long term. Being happily in love for four years is one thing—but how do we stay just as happily in love 40 years from now?
According to the experts, the key is to keep the spark alive as we continue to deepen our bond—and that means continuing to invest in and work on our relationship.
"We can’t expect for ‘happily ever after’ to just happen or to automatically experience the same burning desire we may have felt at the beginning of the relationship," Pileggi Pawelski says. "Research shows it’s healthy habits that lead to long-term love."
So what are some of those habits that can keep us connected, in love, and—yes—wanting to rip off our partner’s clothes for years to come? "Spend time together doing things you both enjoy, together and individually; forgive each other by talking it out; and appreciate each other and let them know it," Rowbotham says.
"Try your best to be curious about your partner, asking questions, actively listening, and savoring your partner and the small moments," Pileggi Pawelski says. "Research shows that partners who feel deeply cared for and respected—what they refer to as ‘effectively affirmed’—reported more enjoyment in their sexual relationship."
According to Cohen, one of the keys to a happy and successful partnership is perceiving your partnership as happy and successful. "Research has shown that couples in stable relationships tend to perceive that their love is growing over time," Cohen says. "People who experience problems, break up, or are heading toward breaking up perceive their love as declining over time."
The way we experience love changes over time—and the way I experience my love for J today is totally different than I did at the beginning… and is also completely different from the way I’ll experience it 10, 20, and 40 years from now. Making a relationship work in the long term takes a lot of work, dedication, and commitment to the other person. But what we stand to get out of marriage? Totally worth it.
"A long-term, healthy marriage can offer a deeper sense of security together, a deeper love and understanding of each other, less anxiety about the relationship overall, and a certain level of protectiveness toward each other," Rowbotham says.
I’ll take that over the honeymoon stage any day.
Deanna deBara is a freelance writer and accidental marathon runner living in Portland, OR. Keep up with her running adventures on Instagram @deannadebara.from Greatist RSS http://ift.tt/2G0sYsV
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